Ramblings, Incoherent Thought and Family

Wow... Say it backwards...Wow. Say it upsidedown...Mom. I've always said that saying...sometimes I'd alter it to say 'say it sideways...'Equal Opportunity Employer' say it sideways backward 'Sigma Omicron Sigma'...you get the idea. But it never struck me how appropriate the first two parts are in a situation. My cousin...probably one of the closest men I'll have to having a blood brother...we grew up together...and were tight all through the years...even as we've obviously gotten our own lives in the last decade or so...we are tight. My cousin lost his Mom. My former Aunt-in-law...and for the life of me I couldn't imagine being him. See I know in my heart of hearts that that's REALLY why I'm here. We exist because our parents wanted to leave a legacy. To have children and to in some ways carry on the traditions they were handed. Our role is to outlive our parents. On a cerebral level I get that. Yet for all that...I can't help feeling...

It's kinda weird. When I was 17...I couldn't WAIT to get out of Canandaigua. As you no doubt have read previously...I was an awkward kinda kid. Just didn't seem to fit (or actually...I'm realizing that was in most cases that perception was in my head and believe it or not I chalk it up to pride...but more on that later) and so I just seemed to look forward to being able to hit 'reset' when I went to college and while I had friends and people I ran (or in other words...glommed onto like a barnicle) with...I tended to feel like I was a loner type of person. However...in the last few years...with the adoption of Facebook I've spent quite a bit of time reconnecting and getting together with old high school people. I actually find myself looking forward to seeing them, finding out what they're doing and just having some laughs. Usually at least once a year someone will have a picnic and this year the class of 91 (the one before my graduating class) had their ...

I recently got back into playing Chess. My Dad just got an iPhone and we've had a few games going of 'Chess with Friends' (A great app...turn based so you make a move and wait for the next person to make theirs). It got me thinking though about life and us as Americans. In this current game I'm playing...I'm pretty screwed. Pop's got both his knights and one rook still out there with 5 pawns and I have 1 knight and 5 pawns. He's got me mated in probably less than 4 moves at this point...so I ask myself..."why am I still playing?" I realized why right away...and it's what I see wrong in society today. Most people have become afraid to lose. I see it more with today's kids. I think in this super stimulated, video game, blu-ray internet age...kids have become less active then they were...and it seems that education has moved to a system that seems to hold mediocrity and success as equal. We give all the kids awards. Some teams stopped keeping ...

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It's weird. Writing about that night was cathartic for me in so many ways...thank you for all the kind words. I rarely do 'follow-ups'...but today I had to...because Last night I got a chance to talk to Gram... Now I'm not crazy and I know now it was a dream of course...but it felt so real last night... The dream was structured like this...I was at Grandma's old house for some reason and the family was there and we were discussing Grandma when someone said that she was ok. It appears the last 20 years was a mistake on our parts. She was only 'Mostly dead' or something like that...and the doctors managed to revive her. She was still bed-ridden...but she was back. It was seriously like something out of some cheesy soap opera or something. It was surreal to be sure and USUALLY in these types of things I know I'm dreaming...but last night I went with it. I found myself just sitting and talking with her. The family were all running around and doing th...

I remember it being somewhat mild that day. Sunny for most of it. It was a Saturday and I had just gotten the lead in the school musical (Damn Yankees). I was pretty high on life. I was kinda just fiddle farting around before I was gonna go to work at the mall (my Mom was Assistant Manager at The Pro Image so my Dad, sister and I all worked there at various points) to help close up when the phone rang at 2:30. It was my Aunt Micki and she told my Mother that she better get into Grandma's right away. Grandma had slipped into another diabetic coma like a few weeks before. Like sailors on an Aircraft Carrier at General Quarters...we all reacted. Betty was going to a 'Steck Party' that night (her first), so was going to stay at home and get picked up I believe by Joe Pfeffer. My Mom and Dad told me to get ready and they'd run me into Eastview and I"d have to amuse myself till 6 when my shift started. We got ready and the three of us were off within 30 minutes...

It happened again... I had my moment. For the past 12 years or so I have what I call my "Moment". It could be brought on by a memory...a song I hear (as it happened tonight), passing something familiar or just...stuff. It's the moment I have my 'breakdown' and cry. I cry because I start thinking about how it used to be...and how I still wish my Grandmother was here. This time of year...in my mind is SYNONOMOUS with her. Probably always will be. I wrote a few years ago (Look in December 2008) about Christmas Eve with my Grandmother. How it was this magical thing. It served to define Christmas time for me and I found myself looking forward to it probably more than I did Christmas Day (even though it's my Birthday). In that post (I recommend you read it)...I go into detail about what it was like...but it still doesn't capture it fully. I don't know that anything COULD. In fact...that's probably why I have my "moment". It's not ...