One More Day...Christmas Time Post
It happened again...
I had my moment.
For the past 12 years or so I have what I call my "Moment". It could be brought on by a memory...a song I hear (as it happened tonight), passing something familiar or just...stuff.
It's the moment I have my 'breakdown' and cry. I cry because I start thinking about how it used to be...and how I still wish my Grandmother was here. This time of year...in my mind is SYNONOMOUS with her. Probably always will be.
I wrote a few years ago (Look in December 2008) about Christmas Eve with my Grandmother. How it was this magical thing. It served to define Christmas time for me and I found myself looking forward to it probably more than I did Christmas Day (even though it's my Birthday). In that post (I recommend you read it)...I go into detail about what it was like...but it still doesn't capture it fully. I don't know that anything COULD. In fact...that's probably why I have my "moment".
It's not a big fat blubber usually (though I've had those too...)...but it's usually just a few tears...some crying and an ache in my heart. Sometimes Deb's with me...but mostly...I'm alone.
Tonight...I was on my way home from Poker (I finished Second by the way...great night...chip lead all night but then got stupid heads up)...and had the iPhone on shuffle...and Diamond Rio came on.
A few years ago I created a video for my Mom for mother's day of both sides of our family. I put it together and at the end I featured Christmas as that was ALWAYS a big part of our family. During the final scenes...I put Diamond Rio's song "One More Day" over top of the video...then put in some still shots.
That Christmas I got the idea to give a similar disk to ALL her brother's and sisters. I re-cut the movie and added more Shorts than Benson's and changed the last pictures to feature Shorts exclusively. I then burned it and gave it to the family.
However ever since then...for me that song has become attached to that. It's the soundtrack for me of how I feel about my Grandmother. What I wouldn't give for One More Day with her. To be able to have her meet Debi and to be able to see my niece and nephew. To be able to just talk with me about things. To just...hug her one more time.
Tomorrow is when we Shorts get together for Christmas. For a lot of years after she passed...we did the "Christmas Eve" but as we got older...we realized that it was up to the 6 kids to have their own for THEIR families. So we do it now the Saturday before Christmas. We'll get together. Talk, laugh and enjoy each other. For a long time it was hard to do for me. I think we kept trying to 'recapture' the magic that was those Christmas Eve's...but in truth...we couldn't. It's like trying to build a car without tires. It may start...it may run...but it won't get anywhere. No amount of pushing or pulling will let a car without tires move on it's own. Grandma was the tire...at least for THOSE Christmases.
What we have now is different. Not necessarily worse...not totally better...but different. Maybe it's cause our Parents are now the leaders. My generation are now the Elders...and our kids are the future. It's a good time. I still look forward to it every year...and I love each of my cousins as if they were my brothers or sisters. Being with them is easy for me...and I can't wait till tomorrow.
However...I cry because with that I still long for yesterday. God has blessed me with an incredible memory. I can remember the minutae of moments from years ago. I'm thankful for that beyond all comprehension. It allows me sometimes to pull up in my mind events, and I can remember the sights, sounds and smells. I can remember that last Christmas with Grandma. Every part. How the house smelled...how we all KNEW it was her last one though we all continued to hope we were wrong. How tired she looked as she asked me to get the presents deep under the tree she couldn't reach (a TRUE honor if you knew her. It's something I cherish to this day). I can remember what she wore (the white mumu with the Christmas Trees and her Santa hat). I remember how packed the house was that year. You couldn't MOVE literally. The tree was visible only at the very top with the star because the presents were piled so high. I remember how after all the presents were open...we all stayed a little later that night trying to make it last as long as we could. I remember leaning down to her and telling her (after my Mom prompted me...) that if she couldn't make it out to my house for my birthday the next day (she never EVER missed a year) that I understood and it was important she rest. She looked at me like I had three heads and said that while she wasn't going to hit everyone the way she did...that she would be at our place...just maybe later. She did make it.
That was 20 years ago next Friday. What got me tonight I think was the realization that 20 years has gone by. When you're a kid...just GETTING to the AGE of 20 seemed like an eternity...and you usually only noticed in the 8th or 9th year of your life...yet here I am. 20 years has gone by since that night. In less than a month (January 15th)...it will be 20 years since I said good bye...and on January 19th of 2011...it will be 20 years since she left.
I'm truly thankful for my life and for God allowing me to be born into this family. I've been truly blessed with two INCREDIBLE families on both of my parent's sides. This year also marks the first Christmas without my other Grandmother. I realized last week...that (granted Grandpa Carl is still alive...but he's not my blood grandfather) this marks the first year in MY life that I will not have a grandparent to see. That saddens me as well...my paternal Grandmother was an AMAZING woman. Strong and independent...but caring and kind.
Like I said...I'm honored to be a part of the families God has blessed me with. I guess that's why I cry...because I know that change is inevitable...and no matter how much I wish it were different...these moments don't stay forever. In time my parents will be gone. Perhaps my wife (though I still pray I'm first to go)...and if God blesses us with children...they'll maybe feel the way I do about Christmas.
This season is my favorite time of year...including the 'moment' I have. If you have your family around you this Holiday...take a second and love on them. Tell them how much they mean to you...and make the most of the time you have. I guess THAT is what I have learned this year.
Thanks for Reading;
(The following is the part of the video I made with the song. I dedicate this to my Grandparents...especially Gram Short...I still miss you all and love you very much.)
I had my moment.
For the past 12 years or so I have what I call my "Moment". It could be brought on by a memory...a song I hear (as it happened tonight), passing something familiar or just...stuff.
It's the moment I have my 'breakdown' and cry. I cry because I start thinking about how it used to be...and how I still wish my Grandmother was here. This time of year...in my mind is SYNONOMOUS with her. Probably always will be.
I wrote a few years ago (Look in December 2008) about Christmas Eve with my Grandmother. How it was this magical thing. It served to define Christmas time for me and I found myself looking forward to it probably more than I did Christmas Day (even though it's my Birthday). In that post (I recommend you read it)...I go into detail about what it was like...but it still doesn't capture it fully. I don't know that anything COULD. In fact...that's probably why I have my "moment".
It's not a big fat blubber usually (though I've had those too...)...but it's usually just a few tears...some crying and an ache in my heart. Sometimes Deb's with me...but mostly...I'm alone.
Tonight...I was on my way home from Poker (I finished Second by the way...great night...chip lead all night but then got stupid heads up)...and had the iPhone on shuffle...and Diamond Rio came on.
A few years ago I created a video for my Mom for mother's day of both sides of our family. I put it together and at the end I featured Christmas as that was ALWAYS a big part of our family. During the final scenes...I put Diamond Rio's song "One More Day" over top of the video...then put in some still shots.
That Christmas I got the idea to give a similar disk to ALL her brother's and sisters. I re-cut the movie and added more Shorts than Benson's and changed the last pictures to feature Shorts exclusively. I then burned it and gave it to the family.
However ever since then...for me that song has become attached to that. It's the soundtrack for me of how I feel about my Grandmother. What I wouldn't give for One More Day with her. To be able to have her meet Debi and to be able to see my niece and nephew. To be able to just talk with me about things. To just...hug her one more time.
Tomorrow is when we Shorts get together for Christmas. For a lot of years after she passed...we did the "Christmas Eve" but as we got older...we realized that it was up to the 6 kids to have their own for THEIR families. So we do it now the Saturday before Christmas. We'll get together. Talk, laugh and enjoy each other. For a long time it was hard to do for me. I think we kept trying to 'recapture' the magic that was those Christmas Eve's...but in truth...we couldn't. It's like trying to build a car without tires. It may start...it may run...but it won't get anywhere. No amount of pushing or pulling will let a car without tires move on it's own. Grandma was the tire...at least for THOSE Christmases.
What we have now is different. Not necessarily worse...not totally better...but different. Maybe it's cause our Parents are now the leaders. My generation are now the Elders...and our kids are the future. It's a good time. I still look forward to it every year...and I love each of my cousins as if they were my brothers or sisters. Being with them is easy for me...and I can't wait till tomorrow.
However...I cry because with that I still long for yesterday. God has blessed me with an incredible memory. I can remember the minutae of moments from years ago. I'm thankful for that beyond all comprehension. It allows me sometimes to pull up in my mind events, and I can remember the sights, sounds and smells. I can remember that last Christmas with Grandma. Every part. How the house smelled...how we all KNEW it was her last one though we all continued to hope we were wrong. How tired she looked as she asked me to get the presents deep under the tree she couldn't reach (a TRUE honor if you knew her. It's something I cherish to this day). I can remember what she wore (the white mumu with the Christmas Trees and her Santa hat). I remember how packed the house was that year. You couldn't MOVE literally. The tree was visible only at the very top with the star because the presents were piled so high. I remember how after all the presents were open...we all stayed a little later that night trying to make it last as long as we could. I remember leaning down to her and telling her (after my Mom prompted me...) that if she couldn't make it out to my house for my birthday the next day (she never EVER missed a year) that I understood and it was important she rest. She looked at me like I had three heads and said that while she wasn't going to hit everyone the way she did...that she would be at our place...just maybe later. She did make it.
That was 20 years ago next Friday. What got me tonight I think was the realization that 20 years has gone by. When you're a kid...just GETTING to the AGE of 20 seemed like an eternity...and you usually only noticed in the 8th or 9th year of your life...yet here I am. 20 years has gone by since that night. In less than a month (January 15th)...it will be 20 years since I said good bye...and on January 19th of 2011...it will be 20 years since she left.
I'm truly thankful for my life and for God allowing me to be born into this family. I've been truly blessed with two INCREDIBLE families on both of my parent's sides. This year also marks the first Christmas without my other Grandmother. I realized last week...that (granted Grandpa Carl is still alive...but he's not my blood grandfather) this marks the first year in MY life that I will not have a grandparent to see. That saddens me as well...my paternal Grandmother was an AMAZING woman. Strong and independent...but caring and kind.
Like I said...I'm honored to be a part of the families God has blessed me with. I guess that's why I cry...because I know that change is inevitable...and no matter how much I wish it were different...these moments don't stay forever. In time my parents will be gone. Perhaps my wife (though I still pray I'm first to go)...and if God blesses us with children...they'll maybe feel the way I do about Christmas.
This season is my favorite time of year...including the 'moment' I have. If you have your family around you this Holiday...take a second and love on them. Tell them how much they mean to you...and make the most of the time you have. I guess THAT is what I have learned this year.
Thanks for Reading;
(The following is the part of the video I made with the song. I dedicate this to my Grandparents...especially Gram Short...I still miss you all and love you very much.)
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