20 years is a long time to miss your Grandmother
I remember it being somewhat mild that day. Sunny for most of it. It was a Saturday and I had just gotten the lead in the school musical (Damn Yankees). I was pretty high on life. I was kinda just fiddle farting around before I was gonna go to work at the mall (my Mom was Assistant Manager at The Pro Image so my Dad, sister and I all worked there at various points) to help close up when the phone rang at 2:30. It was my Aunt Micki and she told my Mother that she better get into Grandma's right away. Grandma had slipped into another diabetic coma like a few weeks before.
Like sailors on an Aircraft Carrier at General Quarters...we all reacted. Betty was going to a 'Steck Party' that night (her first), so was going to stay at home and get picked up I believe by Joe Pfeffer. My Mom and Dad told me to get ready and they'd run me into Eastview and I"d have to amuse myself till 6 when my shift started. We got ready and the three of us were off within 30 minutes.
I remember thinking the whole way there that this couldn't be 'it'. She had one of these spells a few weeks ago and though it was scary...she came out of it. I mean I just saw her Wednesday and though I did say I loved her...that couldn't have been the end right? Something though changed by the time we hit the mall. My parents offered to let me go with them instead of working...but I had made a promise...and if this was 'it'...I knew Gram didn't want me there. I started walking around the mall after my parents left (though in 1991 that wasn't that big a mall...it was LITERALLY half the size it is now) and every 'lap' I'd check in with Tim in the store to see if my parents called.
A half hour before my shift Tim said I had to call my Grandmother's house right away.
The bomb fell...and I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.
ME: Hey Aunt Debbie, is my Mom there? It's Billy and they told me to call.
Aunt Debbie (sounding like she'd been crying): Sure Billy...I'll...I'll go get her.
A few minutes pass...and Mom gets on the phone.
Mom: Honey?
Me: Hey Mom...is she ok? Did she wake up?
Silence for like an hour (but most probably only 5 seconds)
Mom: No honey she didn't...Your Aunt Micki and the doctors think that this is it. That she's going to..........go tonight.
Mom sobbed and my world changed that night.
Me: (Trying to be adult)...Ok. Ok...Ok.
Mom: Honey you ok?
Me: Not really...Tim thinks I shouldn't work and I think he's right.
Mom: Do you want us to come get you?
Me: And go where?
Mom: Here....your cousins Dawn and Michelle are here...and
Me: Mom...they're there? But I thought Grandma didn't want any of us there...just you guys. (meaning the siblings...no grand kids). No...my place isn't there right now. I'll try and get a way to go home. If not I'll hang till Tim's done and he offered to give me a ride. Don't worry I'll be ok.
Mom: YOu sure?
Me: Yeah...I'll call Heather (my best friend at the time) and I'll see if she can come and drive me home. I'll wait at the house for Betty. Do you think I should call her?
Mom: No...she's having a good time...let her be. Tell her in the morning.
Me: Ok...I love you Mom. I'll call when I'm home.
Mom: I love you too.
I hung up and called my friend Heather and shortly her and her boyfriend Bill came and picked me up. It was about 8:30 at this point...the whole way home I don't remember talking much. They tried to engage and I may have been holding a conversation...but looking back I don't think I was really 'in that moment'. I was just...existing. Bill and Heather kept asking me to stay the night with them over at Heather's parents house...but I believe I was hesitant. I think I made a compromise by that point...I was gonna go to Heather's for awhile with her and Bill...and watch some movies and then they'd bring me home so I could be there for Betty. (In truth...I felt like a third wheel...Heather was my best friend but her boyfriend at the time while 'nice' had about as much personality as a fig tree...so spending the night with them 'cooing' and me basically a basket case wasn't my idea of a great time...not that there were any to be had that night anyway).
We got back to 220 Pleasant (the ol' homestead) and I went in ostensibly to pack a bag just in case...but really I wanted to see if Betty was still home and if not was going to call my Mom to see if the offer was open for me to come into the City as I wanted to be with them if I could snag some sort of ride. However...when I saw the flashing light on the answering machine...blinking like some morse distress code in my eyes...somehow I knew the odds of that were slim.
I pushed play...and my heart fell out of my chest to my knees...
"Billy...It's your mother honey. Call...*sob*...call Grandma's right away when you get home".
I knew then. I took a few seconds...and just tried to process it. Looking for any SHRED of hope...but I knew my Mother. That wasn't her "happy" sob...and I knew that somewhere between Eastview and Canandaigua...she'd gone.
It took all my strength to be able to pick up that phone. I dialed the old familiar number...the one I knew before I ever knew even my own home number...663-3168.
The phone rings and my Aunt Debbie gets it again (Apparently she was on 'secretary duty' that night)...
Me: Aunt Debbie? It's me Billy again. My Mom wanted me to call her.
Aunt Debbie: (Stammering)...Ok...Ok Billy...I'll...um...I'll get her for you...one second.
She put the phone down and I could hear the crying from I believe my Aunt Audrea. At this point Heather had come in to check on me I think...and she could tell by how I was standing on the phone it wasn't good. She walked into the dining room (where the phone was) and just kinda hovered nearby. The sounds of cries from Grammy's became clearer as the phone was picked up off the kitchen table.
From the moment I heard the person on the other end breathe...it was at this PRECISE moment...without a shadow of a doubt I knew that she was gone. From the moment I heard the baritone-bass tone of my FATHER and not the screechy 2 pack a day cigarette smoking timbre of my mother's voice...I knew my Father had 'bit the bullet' and I was about to get 'the news'. I shuddered I think...cause at this point Heather actually stopped hovering and put one hand on my shoulder.
Dad: Son???
Me: Yeah Dad...How is she? Is she...? (I couldn't say it...)
Dad: Yeah...She's gone son. She went real peacefully...she waited for your Uncle Bill and once he was here...she went.
I started to cry openly I think...not wailing...but I seem to remember tearing up at this point. By now Heather had both hands on the back of my shoulder...and to be honest...it was this physical contact I think that caused me the most distress...cause I knew that...while Heather and I were close...that she had to know and this meant it was real.
My grandmother...my hero was gone.
Heather got on the phone and assured my parents I was covered. She'd take me to her parent's house tonight and bring me back in the morning. (there was no arguing now...and frankly I don't think I could.). I packed a small overnight bag and we went to her house on Deerfield. They tried to 'cheer me up' with a showing of 'The Little Mermaid'...it wasn't until 1994 that I actually SAW this movie as while I was conscious and watching it...I wasn't really viewing it at all. I got lost in my own head. I was thankful for being able to say good bye the previous Wednesday. I was so glad I thought to say to her as I hugged her "I love you Grammie"...and she said "I love you too Billy". Those were the last WORDS I had with my Grandmother. They're ETCHED in my heart like a memorial would be etched on the wall of a famous federal building or some other monument. I went to bed shortly after the movie ended...and sitting there in Heather's sun porch on the pullout...I took off my turtleneck and heard a quiet snap...I started to cry audibly at this point. Heather came in and asked what was wrong.
In my hands I held this cheap chain necklace...that was split in two. It was given to me by Grammie on the previous Wednesday...and that night it broke. I couldn't contain myself anymore...I cried and cried. Heather comforted me and told me it was easily fixed (it was...but it was never 'strong' again...)and we put it in my pants pocket and she helped get me into bed. She went out and slept with Bill in the living room to make sure I was ok.
The rest of the night...well there is a story there...but I don't want to write about that. It's personal...special...Suffice to say...sleep was elusive to me...the emotions of the night combined with a new environment, and a pull out bed bar RIGHT in the small of my back kept Sleep from me. I could feel my Grandmother's love for me and presence that night as she said good bye. Other cousins have told me of similar experiences and who knows...maybe my addled brain is conjuring up these 'memories'...but I don't think so. In any event...suffice it to say I always knew where I stood with Grandma.
When you're 17...20 years sounds like FOREVER from now. It's an abstract concept. At no point on that January night in 1991...did I think I'd be writing about it 20 years later. I've told the story to my wife a few times...shared memories with the family...but of all the nights of my life...this probably was the most impactful and watershed night of my life. It was the night I started moving from boy to man. The next day the world was different. A little...darker. I felt less protected. I was a rudderless ship for awhile. In the coming months...I would have moments of breakdown. Usually at big events like opening night of Damn Yankees (where they had to 'redo' my makeup after I lost it...) and the night of DCI Open Quarterfinals...when I finally under a lightpole in a Dallas Stadium parking lot...said my good bye.
Today is 20 years since my Grandmother went home to be with God. 7304 days (with 4 leap-days)...and while the wound is healed...the scar remains. In the months that followed my Great-Grandmother and Grandfather would follow Grammie...leaving my Mother and her brothers and sisters as the elders of the family far quicker I think than they were ready for. By the time Grandpa died the brothers and sisters who were so unified just a year and a half earlier...were splintered beyond belief. I remember sitting downstairs with my cousins...in the funeral home where we laid my Grandmother and we were all asking ourselves how this happened. They worked it out in time...and it's a distant memory now. However...I think those losses combined with the quick loss of the entire previous generation within a span of 18 months...well...I don't think the family ever really RECOVERED from losing Grandma. We're still together...but now we're older. The 'kids' have grandkids of their own. Us 'cousins' for the most part are parents ourselves. We do things as a family...but as I sit here now I struggle to remember a family function that didn't have some drama surrounding it (one where we are ALL together...cousin's parties are still awesome). Even this previous Christmas had its share of drama and miscommunications/missteps. It's heartbreaking sometimes...and yet...we still come through.
My Grandmother looking back...she seemed like a force of nature. A true Matriarch in every sense. In recent years...as I've gotten older...I see through the eyes of hindsight where she had her flaws. The pedestal she was on isn't as high...but that's a good thing I think. It's more...real. She had her flaws and faults. She was often quick to forgive...but slow to forget. However she loved us all. I'm lucky that I got to spend as much time as a teenager/young adult as I did with her. The conversations we had in my early high school years when I would spend every weekend there almost...were some of the most incredible times. I shared moments with her noone else in the family did...and those memories are what I think of when I think of her. I'm glad I had the strength looking back...not to go into the city with my parents that night. I'd said my goodbye (even though at the time I didn't realize it was)...and nothing will ever take that from me.
I miss you Gram...the person I am today has his foundations BASED on the person you thought I could be when I was younger...and I thank and LOVE you for it.
Thanks for reading;
Like sailors on an Aircraft Carrier at General Quarters...we all reacted. Betty was going to a 'Steck Party' that night (her first), so was going to stay at home and get picked up I believe by Joe Pfeffer. My Mom and Dad told me to get ready and they'd run me into Eastview and I"d have to amuse myself till 6 when my shift started. We got ready and the three of us were off within 30 minutes.
I remember thinking the whole way there that this couldn't be 'it'. She had one of these spells a few weeks ago and though it was scary...she came out of it. I mean I just saw her Wednesday and though I did say I loved her...that couldn't have been the end right? Something though changed by the time we hit the mall. My parents offered to let me go with them instead of working...but I had made a promise...and if this was 'it'...I knew Gram didn't want me there. I started walking around the mall after my parents left (though in 1991 that wasn't that big a mall...it was LITERALLY half the size it is now) and every 'lap' I'd check in with Tim in the store to see if my parents called.
A half hour before my shift Tim said I had to call my Grandmother's house right away.
The bomb fell...and I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.
ME: Hey Aunt Debbie, is my Mom there? It's Billy and they told me to call.
Aunt Debbie (sounding like she'd been crying): Sure Billy...I'll...I'll go get her.
A few minutes pass...and Mom gets on the phone.
Mom: Honey?
Me: Hey Mom...is she ok? Did she wake up?
Silence for like an hour (but most probably only 5 seconds)
Mom: No honey she didn't...Your Aunt Micki and the doctors think that this is it. That she's going to..........go tonight.
Mom sobbed and my world changed that night.
Me: (Trying to be adult)...Ok. Ok...Ok.
Mom: Honey you ok?
Me: Not really...Tim thinks I shouldn't work and I think he's right.
Mom: Do you want us to come get you?
Me: And go where?
Mom: Here....your cousins Dawn and Michelle are here...and
Me: Mom...they're there? But I thought Grandma didn't want any of us there...just you guys. (meaning the siblings...no grand kids). No...my place isn't there right now. I'll try and get a way to go home. If not I'll hang till Tim's done and he offered to give me a ride. Don't worry I'll be ok.
Mom: YOu sure?
Me: Yeah...I'll call Heather (my best friend at the time) and I'll see if she can come and drive me home. I'll wait at the house for Betty. Do you think I should call her?
Mom: No...she's having a good time...let her be. Tell her in the morning.
Me: Ok...I love you Mom. I'll call when I'm home.
Mom: I love you too.
I hung up and called my friend Heather and shortly her and her boyfriend Bill came and picked me up. It was about 8:30 at this point...the whole way home I don't remember talking much. They tried to engage and I may have been holding a conversation...but looking back I don't think I was really 'in that moment'. I was just...existing. Bill and Heather kept asking me to stay the night with them over at Heather's parents house...but I believe I was hesitant. I think I made a compromise by that point...I was gonna go to Heather's for awhile with her and Bill...and watch some movies and then they'd bring me home so I could be there for Betty. (In truth...I felt like a third wheel...Heather was my best friend but her boyfriend at the time while 'nice' had about as much personality as a fig tree...so spending the night with them 'cooing' and me basically a basket case wasn't my idea of a great time...not that there were any to be had that night anyway).
We got back to 220 Pleasant (the ol' homestead) and I went in ostensibly to pack a bag just in case...but really I wanted to see if Betty was still home and if not was going to call my Mom to see if the offer was open for me to come into the City as I wanted to be with them if I could snag some sort of ride. However...when I saw the flashing light on the answering machine...blinking like some morse distress code in my eyes...somehow I knew the odds of that were slim.
I pushed play...and my heart fell out of my chest to my knees...
"Billy...It's your mother honey. Call...*sob*...call Grandma's right away when you get home".
I knew then. I took a few seconds...and just tried to process it. Looking for any SHRED of hope...but I knew my Mother. That wasn't her "happy" sob...and I knew that somewhere between Eastview and Canandaigua...she'd gone.
It took all my strength to be able to pick up that phone. I dialed the old familiar number...the one I knew before I ever knew even my own home number...663-3168.
The phone rings and my Aunt Debbie gets it again (Apparently she was on 'secretary duty' that night)...
Me: Aunt Debbie? It's me Billy again. My Mom wanted me to call her.
Aunt Debbie: (Stammering)...Ok...Ok Billy...I'll...um...I'll get her for you...one second.
She put the phone down and I could hear the crying from I believe my Aunt Audrea. At this point Heather had come in to check on me I think...and she could tell by how I was standing on the phone it wasn't good. She walked into the dining room (where the phone was) and just kinda hovered nearby. The sounds of cries from Grammy's became clearer as the phone was picked up off the kitchen table.
From the moment I heard the person on the other end breathe...it was at this PRECISE moment...without a shadow of a doubt I knew that she was gone. From the moment I heard the baritone-bass tone of my FATHER and not the screechy 2 pack a day cigarette smoking timbre of my mother's voice...I knew my Father had 'bit the bullet' and I was about to get 'the news'. I shuddered I think...cause at this point Heather actually stopped hovering and put one hand on my shoulder.
Dad: Son???
Me: Yeah Dad...How is she? Is she...? (I couldn't say it...)
Dad: Yeah...She's gone son. She went real peacefully...she waited for your Uncle Bill and once he was here...she went.
I started to cry openly I think...not wailing...but I seem to remember tearing up at this point. By now Heather had both hands on the back of my shoulder...and to be honest...it was this physical contact I think that caused me the most distress...cause I knew that...while Heather and I were close...that she had to know and this meant it was real.
My grandmother...my hero was gone.
Heather got on the phone and assured my parents I was covered. She'd take me to her parent's house tonight and bring me back in the morning. (there was no arguing now...and frankly I don't think I could.). I packed a small overnight bag and we went to her house on Deerfield. They tried to 'cheer me up' with a showing of 'The Little Mermaid'...it wasn't until 1994 that I actually SAW this movie as while I was conscious and watching it...I wasn't really viewing it at all. I got lost in my own head. I was thankful for being able to say good bye the previous Wednesday. I was so glad I thought to say to her as I hugged her "I love you Grammie"...and she said "I love you too Billy". Those were the last WORDS I had with my Grandmother. They're ETCHED in my heart like a memorial would be etched on the wall of a famous federal building or some other monument. I went to bed shortly after the movie ended...and sitting there in Heather's sun porch on the pullout...I took off my turtleneck and heard a quiet snap...I started to cry audibly at this point. Heather came in and asked what was wrong.
In my hands I held this cheap chain necklace...that was split in two. It was given to me by Grammie on the previous Wednesday...and that night it broke. I couldn't contain myself anymore...I cried and cried. Heather comforted me and told me it was easily fixed (it was...but it was never 'strong' again...)and we put it in my pants pocket and she helped get me into bed. She went out and slept with Bill in the living room to make sure I was ok.
The rest of the night...well there is a story there...but I don't want to write about that. It's personal...special...Suffice to say...sleep was elusive to me...the emotions of the night combined with a new environment, and a pull out bed bar RIGHT in the small of my back kept Sleep from me. I could feel my Grandmother's love for me and presence that night as she said good bye. Other cousins have told me of similar experiences and who knows...maybe my addled brain is conjuring up these 'memories'...but I don't think so. In any event...suffice it to say I always knew where I stood with Grandma.
When you're 17...20 years sounds like FOREVER from now. It's an abstract concept. At no point on that January night in 1991...did I think I'd be writing about it 20 years later. I've told the story to my wife a few times...shared memories with the family...but of all the nights of my life...this probably was the most impactful and watershed night of my life. It was the night I started moving from boy to man. The next day the world was different. A little...darker. I felt less protected. I was a rudderless ship for awhile. In the coming months...I would have moments of breakdown. Usually at big events like opening night of Damn Yankees (where they had to 'redo' my makeup after I lost it...) and the night of DCI Open Quarterfinals...when I finally under a lightpole in a Dallas Stadium parking lot...said my good bye.
Today is 20 years since my Grandmother went home to be with God. 7304 days (with 4 leap-days)...and while the wound is healed...the scar remains. In the months that followed my Great-Grandmother and Grandfather would follow Grammie...leaving my Mother and her brothers and sisters as the elders of the family far quicker I think than they were ready for. By the time Grandpa died the brothers and sisters who were so unified just a year and a half earlier...were splintered beyond belief. I remember sitting downstairs with my cousins...in the funeral home where we laid my Grandmother and we were all asking ourselves how this happened. They worked it out in time...and it's a distant memory now. However...I think those losses combined with the quick loss of the entire previous generation within a span of 18 months...well...I don't think the family ever really RECOVERED from losing Grandma. We're still together...but now we're older. The 'kids' have grandkids of their own. Us 'cousins' for the most part are parents ourselves. We do things as a family...but as I sit here now I struggle to remember a family function that didn't have some drama surrounding it (one where we are ALL together...cousin's parties are still awesome). Even this previous Christmas had its share of drama and miscommunications/missteps. It's heartbreaking sometimes...and yet...we still come through.
My Grandmother looking back...she seemed like a force of nature. A true Matriarch in every sense. In recent years...as I've gotten older...I see through the eyes of hindsight where she had her flaws. The pedestal she was on isn't as high...but that's a good thing I think. It's more...real. She had her flaws and faults. She was often quick to forgive...but slow to forget. However she loved us all. I'm lucky that I got to spend as much time as a teenager/young adult as I did with her. The conversations we had in my early high school years when I would spend every weekend there almost...were some of the most incredible times. I shared moments with her noone else in the family did...and those memories are what I think of when I think of her. I'm glad I had the strength looking back...not to go into the city with my parents that night. I'd said my goodbye (even though at the time I didn't realize it was)...and nothing will ever take that from me.
I miss you Gram...the person I am today has his foundations BASED on the person you thought I could be when I was younger...and I thank and LOVE you for it.
Thanks for reading;
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