Another sign I'm starting to get old...deaths in the family.
Wow...
Say it backwards...Wow.
Say it upsidedown...Mom.
I've always said that saying...sometimes I'd alter it to say 'say it sideways...'Equal Opportunity Employer' say it sideways backward 'Sigma Omicron Sigma'...you get the idea.
But it never struck me how appropriate the first two parts are in a situation.
My cousin...probably one of the closest men I'll have to having a blood brother...we grew up together...and were tight all through the years...even as we've obviously gotten our own lives in the last decade or so...we are tight. My cousin lost his Mom. My former Aunt-in-law...and for the life of me I couldn't imagine being him.
See I know in my heart of hearts that that's REALLY why I'm here. We exist because our parents wanted to leave a legacy. To have children and to in some ways carry on the traditions they were handed. Our role is to outlive our parents. On a cerebral level I get that.
Yet for all that...I can't help feeling this is the end.
The end of the true 'innocence' as it were. I've lost an Aunt (I still miss you Aunt Carol) and an Uncle already. However I find on the Benson side of my lineage that I'm more of the younger generation than I am the upper...meaning most of my cousins are older so in some ways...while it hurt me immensly to lose her...it didn't feel like this. Maybe I was just in a different place and the fact that Aunt Carol struggled against cancer SO long...prepared me for the notion.
This is the first parent of a cousin who I love and grew up with to die...and I guess for me personally I'm feeling trepedation at the idea that this isn't the last...but the first...and that at some point in the future I'm going to lose both of MY parents.
That thought scares me to death.
My family isn't perfect...far from it in fact. What they are however are perfect parents for me. How I came to be who I am today is a direct result of their parenting and love for me. Without all the turns and decisions they made...right and wrong...I wouldn't probably be who I am today. My Dad's musical talent...so incredibly gifted. His ability to just make everyone around him smile...I don't think there's a person who's ever met him who says "Man I don't like that Bill Benson...". My Mom's heart is 8 sizes too big. She gives consistently and constantly to those around her in need. They could be scraping to get food on the table and I know if I called and said I need 20 for gas (ya know..to put in 2 gallons to get home)...that she'd find it somewhere. Watching her body withering down is hard for me...and yet she's still got that smile she gets and her mischevious nature can be infectious. I've often said...while Dad is my hero...I find myself relating to my Mom sometimes more than I'd like. :) Their marriage has been an example to me as well. I can't remember a time they fought in front of us for more than a sentence...and I know that they have a deeper love than is apparent sometimes by their words or actions...but am amazed at how they've kept it together sometimes as long as they have. The fact that they've been married close to 40 years is incredible.
Hearing yesterday that my Aunt Joanne died hit me. Not so much in that I'll miss her. While I was acquainted with her...I don't think I really knew her...and I imagine she didn't know me. (Obvious in that everytime we met if we were out with Nate and she was there...she'd call me Billy...always a sign of someone who doesn't see me often these days). What hit me though beyond just the incredible heartbreak I feel for Nate and his siblings at a time like this...is that I suddenly realized that my own parents have fewer days in front of them than they do behind. I think I appreciate more their presence now.
If you're reading this...and your parents are alive...I suggest you give em a call. Joanne died suddenly...and in truth I don't know if Nate got a chance to say good bye or not...but I know that at the end of every call to my parents...I tell them I love them. IN fact...I may give em a call right now...
Thanks for reading...
Say it backwards...Wow.
Say it upsidedown...Mom.
I've always said that saying...sometimes I'd alter it to say 'say it sideways...'Equal Opportunity Employer' say it sideways backward 'Sigma Omicron Sigma'...you get the idea.
But it never struck me how appropriate the first two parts are in a situation.
My cousin...probably one of the closest men I'll have to having a blood brother...we grew up together...and were tight all through the years...even as we've obviously gotten our own lives in the last decade or so...we are tight. My cousin lost his Mom. My former Aunt-in-law...and for the life of me I couldn't imagine being him.
See I know in my heart of hearts that that's REALLY why I'm here. We exist because our parents wanted to leave a legacy. To have children and to in some ways carry on the traditions they were handed. Our role is to outlive our parents. On a cerebral level I get that.
Yet for all that...I can't help feeling this is the end.
The end of the true 'innocence' as it were. I've lost an Aunt (I still miss you Aunt Carol) and an Uncle already. However I find on the Benson side of my lineage that I'm more of the younger generation than I am the upper...meaning most of my cousins are older so in some ways...while it hurt me immensly to lose her...it didn't feel like this. Maybe I was just in a different place and the fact that Aunt Carol struggled against cancer SO long...prepared me for the notion.
This is the first parent of a cousin who I love and grew up with to die...and I guess for me personally I'm feeling trepedation at the idea that this isn't the last...but the first...and that at some point in the future I'm going to lose both of MY parents.
That thought scares me to death.
My family isn't perfect...far from it in fact. What they are however are perfect parents for me. How I came to be who I am today is a direct result of their parenting and love for me. Without all the turns and decisions they made...right and wrong...I wouldn't probably be who I am today. My Dad's musical talent...so incredibly gifted. His ability to just make everyone around him smile...I don't think there's a person who's ever met him who says "Man I don't like that Bill Benson...". My Mom's heart is 8 sizes too big. She gives consistently and constantly to those around her in need. They could be scraping to get food on the table and I know if I called and said I need 20 for gas (ya know..to put in 2 gallons to get home)...that she'd find it somewhere. Watching her body withering down is hard for me...and yet she's still got that smile she gets and her mischevious nature can be infectious. I've often said...while Dad is my hero...I find myself relating to my Mom sometimes more than I'd like. :) Their marriage has been an example to me as well. I can't remember a time they fought in front of us for more than a sentence...and I know that they have a deeper love than is apparent sometimes by their words or actions...but am amazed at how they've kept it together sometimes as long as they have. The fact that they've been married close to 40 years is incredible.
Hearing yesterday that my Aunt Joanne died hit me. Not so much in that I'll miss her. While I was acquainted with her...I don't think I really knew her...and I imagine she didn't know me. (Obvious in that everytime we met if we were out with Nate and she was there...she'd call me Billy...always a sign of someone who doesn't see me often these days). What hit me though beyond just the incredible heartbreak I feel for Nate and his siblings at a time like this...is that I suddenly realized that my own parents have fewer days in front of them than they do behind. I think I appreciate more their presence now.
If you're reading this...and your parents are alive...I suggest you give em a call. Joanne died suddenly...and in truth I don't know if Nate got a chance to say good bye or not...but I know that at the end of every call to my parents...I tell them I love them. IN fact...I may give em a call right now...
Thanks for reading...
Comments
I think that being aware that some of the people in our lives are with us on a "limited time only" basis, changes how we interact with our friends and family on a daily basis...
We are likely to be part of the "sandwich generation." People who will care for children, and aging parents at the same time. This isn't an easy job...and it's good to remind ourselves that we only have our friends and family "on loan" until they go home.
Great Blog Will (notice I know not to call you Bill anymore...yeah I'm up with the times!)
Rebecca
I do try to "prepare" myself for the day when my Pop goes on. And I know it'll be sooner than later w/ his ailing health. I cherish the good days that he does have left with us, each minute he's around I thank God for.