Ramblings, Incoherent Thought and Family

Dear Mommy; It's hard to believe it's been over 2 months since you had to go. It's been a major adjustment for us all...even though for three out of the four months before you left...you weren't at home. That last month though...man did we live. It was a great moment made up of many great moments. I'm beyond thankful you were here for that. You're still missed. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't enter my thoughts or your name doesn't come out of my lips. Dad and I are slowly making progress on the apartment. He cleaned a lot of your room yesterday...reorganized the closet you shared and I think it gave him some peace. He got a new chair...and it's really nice. He's hurting deep still though...(as we all are)...and that's obvious. He's not overwhelmingly 'emo'...but there's a pain behind his eyes. He misses his partner...and in some ways his brain. He's not sure yet which way he wants to go with ...

It's been a crazy couple months. SO much has been changing. From the (finally) moving forward with my divorce...to Mom's health...to the job search. It seems like the chaos and uncertainty of the past year is FINALLY starting to melt away...not necessarily in a good way...but certainly in some way which can be refreshing. See...I'm coming to realize that in a lot of ways...stagnation is even worse for the body than pain and bad things happening. Stagnation can rob one of their sense of purpose...of self. Stagnation allows for the idea that what is happening...it's become your new normal...and you're going to have to learn to live with it. This is a lie from the pit of hell. I don't serve a God of stagnation...I serve a God of movement and redemption. Words that mean ACTION no matter how you slice it. Divorce, death of a loved one and money issues are LITERALLY like the top three stressors in the world...and I happen to be in the middle of all three. Thi...

Some or most of you may have heard...but I know  a lot of people have been praying...and in some ways writing is how I deal with things...so I thought I'd update. I got a call on Friday to ditch work and get up to the hospital.  Dad had news.  I knew then...it couldn't be good news. My Dad had that tone again.  I called the bosses at the big yellow tag and then I did what any son would do in that situation who loved his mother so... I proceeded to stall.  I took the dog out, fed her, came up with a new 'cage' idea to give her space, ate something and made some calls.  Finally when everything was done...I went to the hospital...and sat in the garage for fifteen minutes.  In my mind...I knew.  I've kinda...always known.  There wasn't a peace...not in any of the surgeries or positive outcomes.  Somewhere I knew there was a shoe waiting to drop.  As I sat in my truck in the garage...paralyzed in a way...I knew that the longer I ...

My Mom has cancer. Such a weird thing to type...weird thing to think.  Hell...weird to even comprehend. As a kid...our mothers are almost always our first super hero.  No matter how much they annoy us...how they look at us when we play...chase us down the street trying to get us home.  Try to keep us from having our 'fun'...when the fit hits the shan...our mommies are the first ones we look for in times of distress.  Especially boys.  It's a fact of life...that as children of SOMEONE...on the most BASIC of levels...we exist REALLY to outlive our parents.  To be the legacy...to go on as our parents are mortal...just as our children are to go on for us since we are too.  On a cerebral level...I totally get it. Yet...now that it's hitting close to home I find myself feeling like an 8 year old boy who scraped his knee on the ground trying like hell to get home to have Mommy kiss it...only to find she's not there.  Losing a parent is a...

I won't lie...it hasn't been a great year for me. On Monday it was one year (though I actually marked it Saturday as THAT was the day (the Saturday after Thanksgiving)) that Deb sat me down and for the first time told me she was unhappy.  I remember vividly the day...the conversation and the fallout.  It started what I've come to refer to as (hey I do dig Star Trek Voyager) my 'Year of Hell'...the year where I have basically been reset. I'd love to say it's been easy and dandy but it really hasn't. Since I've written last...I've moved into my new apartment...then lost my job...almost restored but then fully lost my marriage, financially tanked and then recently lost my apartment and up and QUIT the job I got two months ago.  I'm now living with my parents in Fairport and working in retail again.  I've reset not to 'pre-Deb' Will...but actually 1998 Will.  It's somewhat surreal for me in a lot of ways. Last Wednesday ...

Thank you for your reading...and support. However at this time I've hid the posts...and have decided to take things a little more private. To say this is the hardest time of my life is not enough.  I didn't know what else to do...so I shared openly and shouted from the rooftops...only I didn't think how that could be misinterpreted and whom it may hurt. So while the posts still exist as a personal chronicle...I've hidden them for now.   I'm sure I'm not CLOSE to through this yet...and I'm sure I'll write more in time...but for now...I'm gonna go dark. Thanks for reading;

Friends...and what it means to have them...   Growing up I found myself ALWAYS obsessed with friendships...making them...and at times...using them for my own amusement.   I remember this one friend...who's name I CAN'T remember.  When we were kids my sister and I would go up to the Wood Library everyday after school.  I forget WHY we did it...but if I remember correctly it had something to do with my Mom working nights and so we'd go there till Dad would drive by and pick us up...and take us home for dinner around 4:00.   One day...we saw that there was a neighbor NEXT DOOR to the library...and he had this KICKING playground set...with a 'treehouse' of sorts and other stuff.  Oh man did I want to play in that...So...I decided "Ok...I need to make friends with this kid so that I can play with his toys and thereby make them (by extension) my own.".  So I went over with my sister and we did make friends with them.  I'll admit I don't think we ...