Open letter to my Mom
Dear Mommy;
It's hard to believe it's been over 2 months since you had to go. It's been a major adjustment for us all...even though for three out of the four months before you left...you weren't at home. That last month though...man did we live. It was a great moment made up of many great moments. I'm beyond thankful you were here for that. You're still missed. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't enter my thoughts or your name doesn't come out of my lips.
Dad and I are slowly making progress on the apartment. He cleaned a lot of your room yesterday...reorganized the closet you shared and I think it gave him some peace. He got a new chair...and it's really nice. He's hurting deep still though...(as we all are)...and that's obvious. He's not overwhelmingly 'emo'...but there's a pain behind his eyes. He misses his partner...and in some ways his brain. He's not sure yet which way he wants to go with some things...but he's healing. This season will be tough...starting on Halloween followed by your anniversary, Thanksgiving and the Holidays...I know there's gonna be a sense of loss that is palpable...and believe me...I'm going to be there.
I'm keeping my promises Mommy. I'm gonna stay with Dad for awhile...I'm paying a bulk of our rent...and trying to help where I can. It's hard because for me I deal with pain (as you know) by filling my life. I'm out a lot...and I know that would make you a little sad. I'm gonna stay home more. I'm going to focus on being there...and engaged. I know I tend to 'emotionally' hermit with pain...and I'm trying to feel your loss every day. It isn't easy because it's fighting many years of learned response...but I know it's a problem and I'm trying to engage.
I'm also singing again. Almost every week at church. It has been a help and release...but it does hurt a bit too. I remember what I told you. That I will stay engaged with my music and worship. Sometimes it's hard...especially when I look out and see your chair. Sometimes...in my mind's eye...I can see you sitting there moving in your seat and smiling. It starts bringing me peace...but then a tinge of sadness...cause I know it's just my imagination. I'm sure you're hearing it somewhere...and proud. I just wish sometimes you were still there.
Mommy...I'm mainly writing to say I'm ok. The past two years...has been dominated with an incredible sense of loss and pain. It really did become my constant companion. Hurt and fear became crutches for me to hold to try and get me through the worst life could throw. Now though...since the day after your service...I haven't felt that. I've gotten a great job...going for another one...I've met new friends who've made me laugh again...inspired me to reconnect with those around me. I'm reconnecting to those I left when all this started two years ago...and I'm finding myself again Mom. The good parts of me...the part that cares...that is genuinely hurt when my friends hurt. I'm coming back to the best parts of me...and I know that is happening for one reason...
I want to make you proud Mom. I know that there wasn't a lot I had to do to make you proud...that you just loved me so much there wasn't anything I could do that would ever impact that. I know also though...that at times I've disappointed you...though you never once told me. I'm seeing it now. I'm so terribly sorry for all I've done in the last 39 years that may have made you hurt or sad. I know you forgot them almost immediately anyway...and I'm thankful because THAT is how I'm going to try to live my life from now on.
Mommy...I'm sad too. I'm going to turn 40 this year...and it's going to be the first of (hopefully) many Christmases without you. It's going to hurt me in so many ways. I know it's coming...I'm trying to prepare...but I'm not focusing on it. I'm hopeful it makes me smile to think of all you did every year. Of how you've managed and created each Holiday for us. How you just were so happy. That smile that would light up the room on Christmas Eve. The joy you got seeing first your children...then your grandchildren open the presents you got us. So many times that smile would make me oversell the joy I got at a present that just 'wasn't quite right' (I'm remembering my first laser tag...Photon...seriously Mom...NOONE had that system. By the time I got the real Laser Tag next year...it was already dead...but thank you still for trying). I realized Mom that as a kid...it was about the presents...but I found as I got older and I'm sure what will be the major 'revelation' to come...that it wasn't the gifts...and it was about that familial connection we had that just made us happy to be together.
Your voice is missed...your laugh and smile. It's something that can never be replaced...or even drowned out. We're going to get by. I'm going to take care of Dad, Betty, The Kids, your sisters/brothers and they're kids/grandkids. I'm going to focus more on being there...and I hope Mom...you know I'm doing that because at the end of the day it all comes down to one fact...
I still love you Mommy.
I'm at church...gotta go sing the last song...but I just wanted to write to you to say those words.
I love you Mom...and I still miss you
Love Always;
Your Baby Boy (The bestest, bestest, bestest) Billy
Thanks for reading;
It's hard to believe it's been over 2 months since you had to go. It's been a major adjustment for us all...even though for three out of the four months before you left...you weren't at home. That last month though...man did we live. It was a great moment made up of many great moments. I'm beyond thankful you were here for that. You're still missed. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't enter my thoughts or your name doesn't come out of my lips.
Dad and I are slowly making progress on the apartment. He cleaned a lot of your room yesterday...reorganized the closet you shared and I think it gave him some peace. He got a new chair...and it's really nice. He's hurting deep still though...(as we all are)...and that's obvious. He's not overwhelmingly 'emo'...but there's a pain behind his eyes. He misses his partner...and in some ways his brain. He's not sure yet which way he wants to go with some things...but he's healing. This season will be tough...starting on Halloween followed by your anniversary, Thanksgiving and the Holidays...I know there's gonna be a sense of loss that is palpable...and believe me...I'm going to be there.
I'm keeping my promises Mommy. I'm gonna stay with Dad for awhile...I'm paying a bulk of our rent...and trying to help where I can. It's hard because for me I deal with pain (as you know) by filling my life. I'm out a lot...and I know that would make you a little sad. I'm gonna stay home more. I'm going to focus on being there...and engaged. I know I tend to 'emotionally' hermit with pain...and I'm trying to feel your loss every day. It isn't easy because it's fighting many years of learned response...but I know it's a problem and I'm trying to engage.
I'm also singing again. Almost every week at church. It has been a help and release...but it does hurt a bit too. I remember what I told you. That I will stay engaged with my music and worship. Sometimes it's hard...especially when I look out and see your chair. Sometimes...in my mind's eye...I can see you sitting there moving in your seat and smiling. It starts bringing me peace...but then a tinge of sadness...cause I know it's just my imagination. I'm sure you're hearing it somewhere...and proud. I just wish sometimes you were still there.
Mommy...I'm mainly writing to say I'm ok. The past two years...has been dominated with an incredible sense of loss and pain. It really did become my constant companion. Hurt and fear became crutches for me to hold to try and get me through the worst life could throw. Now though...since the day after your service...I haven't felt that. I've gotten a great job...going for another one...I've met new friends who've made me laugh again...inspired me to reconnect with those around me. I'm reconnecting to those I left when all this started two years ago...and I'm finding myself again Mom. The good parts of me...the part that cares...that is genuinely hurt when my friends hurt. I'm coming back to the best parts of me...and I know that is happening for one reason...
I want to make you proud Mom. I know that there wasn't a lot I had to do to make you proud...that you just loved me so much there wasn't anything I could do that would ever impact that. I know also though...that at times I've disappointed you...though you never once told me. I'm seeing it now. I'm so terribly sorry for all I've done in the last 39 years that may have made you hurt or sad. I know you forgot them almost immediately anyway...and I'm thankful because THAT is how I'm going to try to live my life from now on.
Mommy...I'm sad too. I'm going to turn 40 this year...and it's going to be the first of (hopefully) many Christmases without you. It's going to hurt me in so many ways. I know it's coming...I'm trying to prepare...but I'm not focusing on it. I'm hopeful it makes me smile to think of all you did every year. Of how you've managed and created each Holiday for us. How you just were so happy. That smile that would light up the room on Christmas Eve. The joy you got seeing first your children...then your grandchildren open the presents you got us. So many times that smile would make me oversell the joy I got at a present that just 'wasn't quite right' (I'm remembering my first laser tag...Photon...seriously Mom...NOONE had that system. By the time I got the real Laser Tag next year...it was already dead...but thank you still for trying). I realized Mom that as a kid...it was about the presents...but I found as I got older and I'm sure what will be the major 'revelation' to come...that it wasn't the gifts...and it was about that familial connection we had that just made us happy to be together.
Your voice is missed...your laugh and smile. It's something that can never be replaced...or even drowned out. We're going to get by. I'm going to take care of Dad, Betty, The Kids, your sisters/brothers and they're kids/grandkids. I'm going to focus more on being there...and I hope Mom...you know I'm doing that because at the end of the day it all comes down to one fact...
I still love you Mommy.
I'm at church...gotta go sing the last song...but I just wanted to write to you to say those words.
I love you Mom...and I still miss you
Love Always;
Your Baby Boy (The bestest, bestest, bestest) Billy
Thanks for reading;
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