I thought the Holidays would be tougher...
I won't lie...it hasn't been a great year for me.
On Monday it was one year (though I actually marked it Saturday as THAT was the day (the Saturday after Thanksgiving)) that Deb sat me down and for the first time told me she was unhappy. I remember vividly the day...the conversation and the fallout. It started what I've come to refer to as (hey I do dig Star Trek Voyager) my 'Year of Hell'...the year where I have basically been reset.
I'd love to say it's been easy and dandy but it really hasn't.
Since I've written last...I've moved into my new apartment...then lost my job...almost restored but then fully lost my marriage, financially tanked and then recently lost my apartment and up and QUIT the job I got two months ago.
I'm now living with my parents in Fairport and working in retail again. I've reset not to 'pre-Deb' Will...but actually 1998 Will. It's somewhat surreal for me in a lot of ways.
Last Wednesday was AWFUL. Deb's mother makes this incredible feast the night before Thanksgiving. They originally started DOING Thanksgiving on Wednesday for me and the other 'in-law' in Deb's family. That night has always been something to look forward to. It was the 'no stress' Thanksgiving...and I cherished it...(which has come as QUITE the shock to my ex...see...she's told herself that I didn't CARE about her traditions. Oh how wrong she is)...
So last Wednesday I was a complete basket case. I went out with friends...got INSULTED by a former friend (not to my face either...just in their attitude) and then finally drove home early just kinda in a state of 'meh'...it was REALLY emo and REALLY lame.
I expected Thursday to be more of the same really.
See I'd heard your first holiday season after a breakup is the hardest. Especially if the relationship lasted 10 years or more. Your traditions are WHACKED...you don't know WHAT to do. It's an emotional roller coaster and I was no different.
Wednesday I was REALLY upset. Hurting because of where I wasn't...and in truth...pissed at Deb for taking that away from me. But even if she'd invited...I wouldn't have gone. I realize now...that's not my place anymore. That's her new man's place (not that she has one...she doesn't...it's just she will someday). I hung with friends...for quite awhile...but then I just ran into some VERY old friends and even my childhood babysitter and I realized then...I didn't belong there either. I like them and hang with them...but that night I didn't belong out and about.
I needed to be home. So I went home. I was up most of the night...but I was finding some peace I guess...cause it all seemed to change Thursday.
I expected Thursday to be MORE of the same. More emo...more Will 'Eeyore' mode (Woe is me...my life sux...the Dolphins are losing BADD *Picture eeyore voice here*)...then finally coming home and just wallowing.
However something strange happened.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't rip roaringly happy...I wasn't dancing in the aisles or anything...but I wasn't...sad. I was just...well...just. I missed Deb's other family event...missed seeing her Uncle and cousins...and Grandma...but I was ok. I played with the neph and the niece...ate some dinner and even took a bath in my sister's GIGANTIC tub...(which was cool by the way)...came home with the neph and we watched the Green Lantern movie till he got bored and I went to sleep. I kept my tradition of watching Planes Trains and Automobiles Thanksgiving morning...and overall...it was good.
Friday was Black Friday and I work in retail...so guess what I did...worked a HELLA lot of hours. Came home and died.
Saturday I made a few new friends, went out, worked and just had a great day
Sunday I rested...I'd been fighting a cold and didn't get out of bed most of the day...
We're now in the full swing of the season and I'm feeling more like me. Praying more...reading more...working but also making time to heal. Helping around here when I can...taking care of things and starting to figure out my next move. This is all temporaray (though my Mom wishes it was more permanent I think)...my goal is to be out of here by June if possible. It'll obviously require more than a retail gig...but I'm working angles there. Even some AT the retail gig. We'll see.
I've been fearful of this season. I know it's early and there will be speed bumps. I'll have bad days. Bad weekends and maybe even more. There isn't ONE part of me that doesn't miss my old life...which is what's happened.
I find that while I miss my ex...I'm missing my LIFE more. I had a GOOD life. It wasn't perfect...but man it was MINE. That may have contributed to all this...because I think in some ways it's a life my wife NEVER wanted...and settled for and just one day decided it wasn't enough. She did what she had to and I don't blame her for much. Sure she's a mean soul-sucking hose beast...but she's MY mean soul-sucking hose beast...(That was a joke...if Deb reads this...please don't sue...). I don't think she's happier really. I know I'm not...but maybe we'll be better positioned to BE happier.
One thing's for sure. You find out WHO your true friends REALLY are at a time like this. I've been so surprised at the outpouring I've received. In some cases I think there were a few of you I made feel inconsequential. It's tough. At some points through this there's been NO comfort to be found anywhere from anyone unless you're 5'4, with long brown hair and a penchant for confusing Star Wars with Shakespeare. Like a petulant child...I wanted what I wanted (which was my wife...) and nothing else would do. I'd like to think I've moved through that...so if I offended you...I'm sorry. I've seen friends who I thought I could trust...betray and people I thought would betray become incredibly tight-lipped and people I could trust.
My life has reset. I don't know what it means. It's scary being 38 (ok...ALMOST 39...) and living this lifestyle. I still feel like I'm not CONTRIBUTING to society as a whole by kinda benching myself...but I have to. My life was blown apart 9 months ago...there SHOULD be consequences and ripple effects. If there weren't...then my old life wasn't real. In some ways...the emo-ness and the pain...has validated (at least for me) the past. If it was so easy to jettison...then frankly I wasn't in the life to begin with and that would be the real tragedy.
I know I gave it my best. I went all-in...and I left NOTHING in the bank. I tried...I fought...I lost...but I refuse to FAIL. I'll get back up...2013 is just over a month away...(if the Mayans are wrong of course...)...and I know that while change is coming and some of it probably scarier than Rosanne Barr as a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover model...I know that these changes are going to bring me closer to people...family and I think most importantly...God. He hasn't abandoned me once...though at times through this...I think I did Him.
That I think...is the stupidest mistake I've ever made.
Thanks for reading...
On Monday it was one year (though I actually marked it Saturday as THAT was the day (the Saturday after Thanksgiving)) that Deb sat me down and for the first time told me she was unhappy. I remember vividly the day...the conversation and the fallout. It started what I've come to refer to as (hey I do dig Star Trek Voyager) my 'Year of Hell'...the year where I have basically been reset.
I'd love to say it's been easy and dandy but it really hasn't.
Since I've written last...I've moved into my new apartment...then lost my job...almost restored but then fully lost my marriage, financially tanked and then recently lost my apartment and up and QUIT the job I got two months ago.
I'm now living with my parents in Fairport and working in retail again. I've reset not to 'pre-Deb' Will...but actually 1998 Will. It's somewhat surreal for me in a lot of ways.
Last Wednesday was AWFUL. Deb's mother makes this incredible feast the night before Thanksgiving. They originally started DOING Thanksgiving on Wednesday for me and the other 'in-law' in Deb's family. That night has always been something to look forward to. It was the 'no stress' Thanksgiving...and I cherished it...(which has come as QUITE the shock to my ex...see...she's told herself that I didn't CARE about her traditions. Oh how wrong she is)...
So last Wednesday I was a complete basket case. I went out with friends...got INSULTED by a former friend (not to my face either...just in their attitude) and then finally drove home early just kinda in a state of 'meh'...it was REALLY emo and REALLY lame.
I expected Thursday to be more of the same really.
See I'd heard your first holiday season after a breakup is the hardest. Especially if the relationship lasted 10 years or more. Your traditions are WHACKED...you don't know WHAT to do. It's an emotional roller coaster and I was no different.
Wednesday I was REALLY upset. Hurting because of where I wasn't...and in truth...pissed at Deb for taking that away from me. But even if she'd invited...I wouldn't have gone. I realize now...that's not my place anymore. That's her new man's place (not that she has one...she doesn't...it's just she will someday). I hung with friends...for quite awhile...but then I just ran into some VERY old friends and even my childhood babysitter and I realized then...I didn't belong there either. I like them and hang with them...but that night I didn't belong out and about.
I needed to be home. So I went home. I was up most of the night...but I was finding some peace I guess...cause it all seemed to change Thursday.
I expected Thursday to be MORE of the same. More emo...more Will 'Eeyore' mode (Woe is me...my life sux...the Dolphins are losing BADD *Picture eeyore voice here*)...then finally coming home and just wallowing.
However something strange happened.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't rip roaringly happy...I wasn't dancing in the aisles or anything...but I wasn't...sad. I was just...well...just. I missed Deb's other family event...missed seeing her Uncle and cousins...and Grandma...but I was ok. I played with the neph and the niece...ate some dinner and even took a bath in my sister's GIGANTIC tub...(which was cool by the way)...came home with the neph and we watched the Green Lantern movie till he got bored and I went to sleep. I kept my tradition of watching Planes Trains and Automobiles Thanksgiving morning...and overall...it was good.
Friday was Black Friday and I work in retail...so guess what I did...worked a HELLA lot of hours. Came home and died.
Saturday I made a few new friends, went out, worked and just had a great day
Sunday I rested...I'd been fighting a cold and didn't get out of bed most of the day...
We're now in the full swing of the season and I'm feeling more like me. Praying more...reading more...working but also making time to heal. Helping around here when I can...taking care of things and starting to figure out my next move. This is all temporaray (though my Mom wishes it was more permanent I think)...my goal is to be out of here by June if possible. It'll obviously require more than a retail gig...but I'm working angles there. Even some AT the retail gig. We'll see.
I've been fearful of this season. I know it's early and there will be speed bumps. I'll have bad days. Bad weekends and maybe even more. There isn't ONE part of me that doesn't miss my old life...which is what's happened.
I find that while I miss my ex...I'm missing my LIFE more. I had a GOOD life. It wasn't perfect...but man it was MINE. That may have contributed to all this...because I think in some ways it's a life my wife NEVER wanted...and settled for and just one day decided it wasn't enough. She did what she had to and I don't blame her for much. Sure she's a mean soul-sucking hose beast...but she's MY mean soul-sucking hose beast...(That was a joke...if Deb reads this...please don't sue...). I don't think she's happier really. I know I'm not...but maybe we'll be better positioned to BE happier.
One thing's for sure. You find out WHO your true friends REALLY are at a time like this. I've been so surprised at the outpouring I've received. In some cases I think there were a few of you I made feel inconsequential. It's tough. At some points through this there's been NO comfort to be found anywhere from anyone unless you're 5'4, with long brown hair and a penchant for confusing Star Wars with Shakespeare. Like a petulant child...I wanted what I wanted (which was my wife...) and nothing else would do. I'd like to think I've moved through that...so if I offended you...I'm sorry. I've seen friends who I thought I could trust...betray and people I thought would betray become incredibly tight-lipped and people I could trust.
My life has reset. I don't know what it means. It's scary being 38 (ok...ALMOST 39...) and living this lifestyle. I still feel like I'm not CONTRIBUTING to society as a whole by kinda benching myself...but I have to. My life was blown apart 9 months ago...there SHOULD be consequences and ripple effects. If there weren't...then my old life wasn't real. In some ways...the emo-ness and the pain...has validated (at least for me) the past. If it was so easy to jettison...then frankly I wasn't in the life to begin with and that would be the real tragedy.
I know I gave it my best. I went all-in...and I left NOTHING in the bank. I tried...I fought...I lost...but I refuse to FAIL. I'll get back up...2013 is just over a month away...(if the Mayans are wrong of course...)...and I know that while change is coming and some of it probably scarier than Rosanne Barr as a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover model...I know that these changes are going to bring me closer to people...family and I think most importantly...God. He hasn't abandoned me once...though at times through this...I think I did Him.
That I think...is the stupidest mistake I've ever made.
Thanks for reading...
Comments
Today, I can tell you from experience that you've made it past the worst part, the first year. A lot of people feel worse at this point before they feel better. They take a one year dip. Not unusual.
The great news is that you are free to start thinking about doing whatever you want to do. I personally went back to college because that's what I always wanted to do.
You are a great man, who has always worn his heart on his sleeve. You are genuine and kind and always have been. You always have a good word or a shoulder for people. And to me, those are signs of a successful man. Take your time figuring out what you want next. Life isn't a race. Good things will come to you. Or you will go to them. Comicon is a personal goal of mine, I must go. What's on your list?