An Update on Mom...

Some or most of you may have heard...but I know  a lot of people have been praying...and in some ways writing is how I deal with things...so I thought I'd update.

I got a call on Friday to ditch work and get up to the hospital.  Dad had news. 

I knew then...it couldn't be good news. My Dad had that tone again.  I called the bosses at the big yellow tag and then I did what any son would do in that situation who loved his mother so...

I proceeded to stall. 

I took the dog out, fed her, came up with a new 'cage' idea to give her space, ate something and made some calls.  Finally when everything was done...I went to the hospital...and sat in the garage for fifteen minutes.  In my mind...I knew.  I've kinda...always known.  There wasn't a peace...not in any of the surgeries or positive outcomes.  Somewhere I knew there was a shoe waiting to drop.  As I sat in my truck in the garage...paralyzed in a way...I knew that the longer I was there...the longer the fantasy and uncertainty would be.  Dad had the news...and once I learned it...there wasn't one day after this that wouldn't be shaped by it.

Eventually though I got out and went up to her room.  One look told the story.  Mom's smile...Dad's puffy eyes.  I threw on my cavalier grin.  "So what we got?"  I think somewhere I hoped Dad was gonna tell me they were gonna let her go.  This was all a big mistake.  WHOOPS.

With a nod...Dad hands me a piece of paper.

"The pathology report came back...it's not good" he said to me and turned his back toward the window. 

I grabbed it and sat down in my chair in the corner. 

I read it...and as I knew...no day since that moment has been the same.

Mom has stage 3 cancer.  Though they did get all of it out from the operation...the organs and pieces removed are clear...the pancreatic cancer spread to 75% of her regional lymph nodes.  This meant they had a pathway EVERYWHERE.  We had to roll the 'hard six' and CRAPS came up.  There's no cure.  Anything we do now buys time.  What's worse...with her history...we're not sure what the next steps are.

All I can think is...

Holy shit...mom's got cancer...and we're not pulling out of this.

I went into shock.  Immediately my ADHD brain kicked in.  There was work to be done (or to get lost in).  Betty had to be told...we should do it in person...should we have her come here...no bad idea...Dad we gotta go there.  Has someone called the sisters and brothers?  What's the doctor saying...what the hell is this...did I eat yet...I think I have to poop...oh my God she's sick...Betty has to be told...we should go in person...........and so on and so on. 

We spoke to the doctor who tried the first procedure.  He broke the pathology report down to us in the basic sense...and our initial thoughts were right.

Then Dad and I went to tell Betty.

There's a story there I may tell one day...in any event it feels kinda...wrong now.  Suffice it to say...she felt externally what Dad and I were internally. 

The coming days were a whirlwind.  Tears...rage...acceptance...tears again...yelling at family...trying to keep Mom comfortable. 

My family is large.  Both sides...and so when the news broke the visits started.  We saw EVERYONE...and still some are coming up.  The tears flowed...the questions asked.  Mom in her hospital bed trying like CRAZY to be the hostess she has always been...engaging everyone no matter how tired she got. 

Watching her with the family was touching.  There was one part Sunday...she regaled my paternal cousins and Aunt with stories of her young life with my Great-Great grandparents.  It's the first time I've even HEARD these stories.  My memory kicked in and I 'recorded' in my heart the entire moment.  The look on her face as she was taken back in time.  It was one of those accidental moments that will no doubt color my memories for years to come.  I'm so glad I was there.

I still don't know what to do.

My heart still aches...but I can't for the life of me grieve right now.  There's too much to do still.  She's got some time.  We don't know how much...but I refuse to start mourning her before she's gone.  These moments are PRECIOUS.  I'm gonna get up there when I can.  I'm gonna listen...engage.  HEAR her...and when she comes home...I'm gonna do the same.

6 months ago...I was raging.  I couldn't understand WHY I had to come back here to their house to live.  It seemed no matter what I did...there was no saving my apartment or life. 

I see now why. 

It's been a gift.  I'm home because I'm to be a part of this.  Not an observer...but a part.   I get to be here in these precious days and hours. 

I'm hurting deep.  I cry OFTEN...I scream more.  I'm less tolerant of BS than I was and I'm not sleeping or eating particularly well...but I know where my strength comes from.  I'm calling on it daily.

I don't know what will happen...but I know that Mom needs me to be strong and to be THERE.  So I'll do it.  I'm her boy.  It's my job.

Please...keep praying.  Pray for God's will and timing.  Pray for wisdom for my parents in the coming weeks as decisions are made.  Pray for patience for all of us.  Most of all...pray for Mom to have peace and to feel God beside her. 

Thanks for reading;