Quarantine - Day 5 - Light at the end of the rainbow...and a bit of a broken heart.
So here it was. My first full day at home. No work to do, and just spending time in the office playing games, reading, starting to write my first real novel and just chilling out.
The kids were due to arrive at 11...and I got my first 'not gonna win stepdad of the year' moment in awhile. Our daughter texted Wendy this morning asking if her boyfriend could come over today.
Our heads spun. For a few reasons...
1: Ummm...hi...have you read the news today (oh boy)? We're under a pandemic and everyone is encouraged to practice Social Distancing and while I get that it's weird because we're still maintaining some semblance of life by having the kids go between homes etc...I'm not working, Wendy is working from home. We aren't seeing her parents. We're taking this seriously.
2: We'd already told her last week that once the first Fulton County case came in, we'd go to no physical contact. She knew this when she went back to her Dad's last Friday...and we know they were maintaining the same rules over there. In fact...in some ways it felt like she was trying to scam us a bit. She told her Dad and his partner that in fact we were letting Logan come over. At one point last week we were going to let it happen because again A: Fulton County had no cases and B: We knew this time would come. But we also told her before she left last Friday that things would be different going forward.
So before she even arrived I sent her a text saying that her boyfriend could NOT in fact come over and that she could not go over there. That this was now serious and we weren't going to mess around.
I ate static.
The kids arrived and she didn't even say hello to anyone. She came out of her room at one point and I tried to say "I understand this sucks and it's hard" and I got a 'I don't want to talk about it'. Which is teenage girl speak for "God I wish I could just light you on fire."
I let it sit. Again I did understand. I could imagine if I was in high school and basically my entire life was cancelled. Then to have the 'step' say that she couldn't see the one person she misses most of all...I get it in some ways.
Later on we set some time aside to do chores. Wendy needed to teach and we'd discovered that with all the internet issues with people being home; that it's best to limit how much we try to put into the universe. So we kicked all the kids off devices and I became the drill sergeant trying to get them to do stuff. It mostly worked. The boys came down and tackled their stuff like pros. No complaining...nothing. Izzy doesn't answer so I have to go get her.
I go to Izzy's room to get her and it's my worst nightmare. She's in 'stone cold' mode.
Maybe I should backup.
I've been in these kids lives now for almost five years. In that time I've built rapports I believe with all three. However Isabelle and I are by far the most distant...and it hurts sometimes because I'm also one of her biggest fans. She has an artists eye and an incredible brain. She's witty and funny. If God had given me the chance to create a daughter...she'd be the template I would work from. She's a special kid and going to do amazing things and I'm honored to be able to watch from the sidelines. I feel the same way about all the kids...but I think due to my own insecurities...the fact that I've won over the other two and not her causes me to want to try harder to reach her because as her Mother's husband...I'm going to be around for the rest of my life and to be honest...I love each of them as if they were my own.
So it surprised me when I discovered Izzy's biggest weapon.
A few years ago when they would stay here occasionally I got my first glimpse into "Stone Cold" Izzy mode. Something had happened and she got angry. I went in to try and get her to do what she promised...only she wouldn't even acknowledge I was there. It was like talking to a void. It was one of the most incredibly uncomfortable moments I'd had with another person and it shook me. She snapped out of it...and we joked about it later. I've seen it again a few times since and each time it got a little harder to take.
Finally today I hit my limit.
She pulled the silent thing again and I found myself getting mad. Now I'm always acutely aware that I'm the 'step' dad. I get it. Still today when she pulled that the anger was boiling. It's like "How dare you get mad at me for doing the right thing and protecting you." "Why is this guy more important than your Mother's health?" etc. I don't say any of those things. In fact I don't even represent the anger at all. I went right from mad to hurt.
It felt like a rejection. Like disrespecting me and my role in this dynamic and it hurt deep. I actually cried (not in front of her of course)...and left her alone...but the hurt is still here.
She came out to dinner later and acknowledged that I was in fact at the table I do believe...but again the cold shoulder was real.
It hurts because I love each of these kids so much and to be honest I felt like I they had come to care about me. Especially in Izzy's case because again...I thought we'd become closer especially since the wedding. I know she cares and knows she can count on me. That there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help her...but that includes doing this and keeping her from seeing her boyfriend. It's just not something I prepared myself for. I talked to Wendy later and she showed some light on things...but it did have an impact on me and I"m scared a bit about what's to come over the next four days as we are here in the house.
However some good news came as well.
My Center Director emailed all of us and told us that the DOL had decided to let us begin working from home. We are meeting tomorrow to handle the nuts and bolts. This is huge. I've been really concerned how we were going to make ends meet and now to know I can work from here is amazing. More will come tomorrow but I'm excited to make my office an ACTUAL office.
To be able to do what I do and help keep things running so we can be productive again is exciting and I can't wait to see what happens. It definitely helps.
Well I guess it's time to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow...
Thanks for Reading.
The kids were due to arrive at 11...and I got my first 'not gonna win stepdad of the year' moment in awhile. Our daughter texted Wendy this morning asking if her boyfriend could come over today.
Our heads spun. For a few reasons...
1: Ummm...hi...have you read the news today (oh boy)? We're under a pandemic and everyone is encouraged to practice Social Distancing and while I get that it's weird because we're still maintaining some semblance of life by having the kids go between homes etc...I'm not working, Wendy is working from home. We aren't seeing her parents. We're taking this seriously.
2: We'd already told her last week that once the first Fulton County case came in, we'd go to no physical contact. She knew this when she went back to her Dad's last Friday...and we know they were maintaining the same rules over there. In fact...in some ways it felt like she was trying to scam us a bit. She told her Dad and his partner that in fact we were letting Logan come over. At one point last week we were going to let it happen because again A: Fulton County had no cases and B: We knew this time would come. But we also told her before she left last Friday that things would be different going forward.
So before she even arrived I sent her a text saying that her boyfriend could NOT in fact come over and that she could not go over there. That this was now serious and we weren't going to mess around.
I ate static.
The kids arrived and she didn't even say hello to anyone. She came out of her room at one point and I tried to say "I understand this sucks and it's hard" and I got a 'I don't want to talk about it'. Which is teenage girl speak for "God I wish I could just light you on fire."
I let it sit. Again I did understand. I could imagine if I was in high school and basically my entire life was cancelled. Then to have the 'step' say that she couldn't see the one person she misses most of all...I get it in some ways.
Later on we set some time aside to do chores. Wendy needed to teach and we'd discovered that with all the internet issues with people being home; that it's best to limit how much we try to put into the universe. So we kicked all the kids off devices and I became the drill sergeant trying to get them to do stuff. It mostly worked. The boys came down and tackled their stuff like pros. No complaining...nothing. Izzy doesn't answer so I have to go get her.
I go to Izzy's room to get her and it's my worst nightmare. She's in 'stone cold' mode.
Maybe I should backup.
I've been in these kids lives now for almost five years. In that time I've built rapports I believe with all three. However Isabelle and I are by far the most distant...and it hurts sometimes because I'm also one of her biggest fans. She has an artists eye and an incredible brain. She's witty and funny. If God had given me the chance to create a daughter...she'd be the template I would work from. She's a special kid and going to do amazing things and I'm honored to be able to watch from the sidelines. I feel the same way about all the kids...but I think due to my own insecurities...the fact that I've won over the other two and not her causes me to want to try harder to reach her because as her Mother's husband...I'm going to be around for the rest of my life and to be honest...I love each of them as if they were my own.
So it surprised me when I discovered Izzy's biggest weapon.
A few years ago when they would stay here occasionally I got my first glimpse into "Stone Cold" Izzy mode. Something had happened and she got angry. I went in to try and get her to do what she promised...only she wouldn't even acknowledge I was there. It was like talking to a void. It was one of the most incredibly uncomfortable moments I'd had with another person and it shook me. She snapped out of it...and we joked about it later. I've seen it again a few times since and each time it got a little harder to take.
Finally today I hit my limit.
She pulled the silent thing again and I found myself getting mad. Now I'm always acutely aware that I'm the 'step' dad. I get it. Still today when she pulled that the anger was boiling. It's like "How dare you get mad at me for doing the right thing and protecting you." "Why is this guy more important than your Mother's health?" etc. I don't say any of those things. In fact I don't even represent the anger at all. I went right from mad to hurt.
It felt like a rejection. Like disrespecting me and my role in this dynamic and it hurt deep. I actually cried (not in front of her of course)...and left her alone...but the hurt is still here.
She came out to dinner later and acknowledged that I was in fact at the table I do believe...but again the cold shoulder was real.
It hurts because I love each of these kids so much and to be honest I felt like I they had come to care about me. Especially in Izzy's case because again...I thought we'd become closer especially since the wedding. I know she cares and knows she can count on me. That there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help her...but that includes doing this and keeping her from seeing her boyfriend. It's just not something I prepared myself for. I talked to Wendy later and she showed some light on things...but it did have an impact on me and I"m scared a bit about what's to come over the next four days as we are here in the house.
However some good news came as well.
My Center Director emailed all of us and told us that the DOL had decided to let us begin working from home. We are meeting tomorrow to handle the nuts and bolts. This is huge. I've been really concerned how we were going to make ends meet and now to know I can work from here is amazing. More will come tomorrow but I'm excited to make my office an ACTUAL office.
To be able to do what I do and help keep things running so we can be productive again is exciting and I can't wait to see what happens. It definitely helps.
Well I guess it's time to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow...
Thanks for Reading.
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