29 years is a long time...
We've had her for 29 years.
I keep finding myself saying that...either audibly or to myself.
We've had her for 29 years.
It's astounding to think about it...29 years have passed since we lost Grandpa Benson and my Grandmother has been alive without him.
She remarried around the 10 year mark...to a great guy (whom I call Grandpa Carl), but she beat the odds. A lot of people say that wives tend to outlive their husbands and if they do they can be VERY productive. That's true in the way I see it around me. My wife's paternal grandmother has lasted a very long time herself...same with Gramma next door (this little italian lady who lived next door to me when we were growing up...we called her grandma next door cause...ya know...she was a Grandma's age and...well...she lived next door.). My Grandmother had an entire lifetime of life without her partner...and that's a true feat.
She's sick now. Today they move her back to the home and put her on hospice...while my Dad and his brother and sisters take shifts being there for her. She's being kept comfortable...but it's expected that in a day or two she'll slip quietly into a coma from her livers and kidneys shutting down and pass quietly.
It's dignified in a way...a quiet end to an amazing life...but I find myself still being torn up inside anyway. I'm not blubbering, and I'm not crying (yet)...but I find myself genuinely stricken. Since I found out what the gameplan is...I have a VERY short fuse...am distracted...and can't seem to decide whether I belong in Canandaigua at the hospital...or should I try to keep myself busy with other tasks as we're trying to get ready to move. Just yesterday a guy who didn't know my situation (but should have) at church made a joke about my MeMaw (his big thing is that he says I remind him of Sheldon on Big Bang...and frankly that annoys me given that I'm not 1: OCD (which is the joke of his character) and 2: I like to think I have better social skills...) when I said I wanted to go to go see her...and I told him not to do that and he made the joke like two more times and I did the "Jerk" move when I said 'no I mean I gotta go the hospital' and he says 'oh yeah...she's not well is she'...and I say 'Nope...dying in fact...feel better?'
It was a 100% 'old style'-Will @$$hole move. I'm not proud of it...and need to apologize to him next time I see him...but it's an example of how 'off my game' I'm feeling. I told Deb yesterday...I'm not a mess...but I just can't seem to connect to ANYTHING around me. It's like my body and mind have just disconnected from everything around me and instead of being involved in life...I'm finding myself retreating into my own head and just observing what's happening around me without any thought of trying to make that real connection with the people I care about most. I'm just 'going through the motions'...trying to keep it all moving forward.
What I can't figure is...why. I have every right to be upset...she's my grandmother...and while her death is actually in some ways a mercy (she has been struggling with dementia and alzheimers for some time)...it's still not easy to lose her. She wasn't a matriarch like my maternal grandmother. She was my grandma-grandma. She was always being kind...wanting to spend time with you...feeding and loving on me. She wasn't hip or 'with it'...but she wasn't past it or clueless about the world around her. She didn't try to approach me on my level...but rather tried to show me how to approach adults her age...she is a CLASSIC grandmother. After Grandpa passed she danced, and had fun (after an acceptable period of mourning Grandpa) met people and discovered who she was. She defined herself I think as 'Ed's wife' and 'mother to 6 kids'...and when Grandpa passed and the family scattered...she was down a bit...but got up, dusted herself off and made a LIFE for herself. She took a bite out of life like noone I know...and I think found out who she was when everything she defined herself with was taken from her through the evolution of time.
So why then am I responding in the way I am? Disconnected-ness...aloofness? I don't know. I know it's my pride...I know that much. That I'm retreating into my own head because the fact is...I believe I've got it all together when I'm like this. My head is writing checks my emotions can't cash. I need to find some way to break out of this...
I'm trying to figure it out because the next few weeks are going to be a marathon of family and moving. My uncles are at this moment probably leaving Arizona and heading here via the southern route. They've said their good byes to Grandma and don't want to see her like this...but they know their place is here. So for the next week or so...my time is gonna be focused on my family. I need to drop this disconnect somehow...cause I'm gonna be needed to be there for people...and I know from experience...to feel the pain I'm feeling about the situation myself so it doesn't come and bite me in the butt down the road. Plus moving...the act of packing up everything I own...and putting it in boxes...labelling it and then packing it up and taking it somewhere else to be UNPACKED is so scary and daunting. Deb and I have lived here for five years...and we had a lot of junk BEFORE when we moved in here...to say nothing of what we got while living here...so we're paring down too.
This year so far has been one of drastic change. I'm a bit frightened because truth be known...I liked my life the way it was. I know change shouldn't be feared...but yet here I am.
Pray for my family please...and for me. I don't want to disconnect from those around me who love and care for me...but it's one of my oldest responses to stress. I thank each of you for your love and friendship and thank you for just letting me be in your orbit.
Thanks for reading;
I keep finding myself saying that...either audibly or to myself.
We've had her for 29 years.
It's astounding to think about it...29 years have passed since we lost Grandpa Benson and my Grandmother has been alive without him.
She remarried around the 10 year mark...to a great guy (whom I call Grandpa Carl), but she beat the odds. A lot of people say that wives tend to outlive their husbands and if they do they can be VERY productive. That's true in the way I see it around me. My wife's paternal grandmother has lasted a very long time herself...same with Gramma next door (this little italian lady who lived next door to me when we were growing up...we called her grandma next door cause...ya know...she was a Grandma's age and...well...she lived next door.). My Grandmother had an entire lifetime of life without her partner...and that's a true feat.
She's sick now. Today they move her back to the home and put her on hospice...while my Dad and his brother and sisters take shifts being there for her. She's being kept comfortable...but it's expected that in a day or two she'll slip quietly into a coma from her livers and kidneys shutting down and pass quietly.
It's dignified in a way...a quiet end to an amazing life...but I find myself still being torn up inside anyway. I'm not blubbering, and I'm not crying (yet)...but I find myself genuinely stricken. Since I found out what the gameplan is...I have a VERY short fuse...am distracted...and can't seem to decide whether I belong in Canandaigua at the hospital...or should I try to keep myself busy with other tasks as we're trying to get ready to move. Just yesterday a guy who didn't know my situation (but should have) at church made a joke about my MeMaw (his big thing is that he says I remind him of Sheldon on Big Bang...and frankly that annoys me given that I'm not 1: OCD (which is the joke of his character) and 2: I like to think I have better social skills...) when I said I wanted to go to go see her...and I told him not to do that and he made the joke like two more times and I did the "Jerk" move when I said 'no I mean I gotta go the hospital' and he says 'oh yeah...she's not well is she'...and I say 'Nope...dying in fact...feel better?'
It was a 100% 'old style'-Will @$$hole move. I'm not proud of it...and need to apologize to him next time I see him...but it's an example of how 'off my game' I'm feeling. I told Deb yesterday...I'm not a mess...but I just can't seem to connect to ANYTHING around me. It's like my body and mind have just disconnected from everything around me and instead of being involved in life...I'm finding myself retreating into my own head and just observing what's happening around me without any thought of trying to make that real connection with the people I care about most. I'm just 'going through the motions'...trying to keep it all moving forward.
What I can't figure is...why. I have every right to be upset...she's my grandmother...and while her death is actually in some ways a mercy (she has been struggling with dementia and alzheimers for some time)...it's still not easy to lose her. She wasn't a matriarch like my maternal grandmother. She was my grandma-grandma. She was always being kind...wanting to spend time with you...feeding and loving on me. She wasn't hip or 'with it'...but she wasn't past it or clueless about the world around her. She didn't try to approach me on my level...but rather tried to show me how to approach adults her age...she is a CLASSIC grandmother. After Grandpa passed she danced, and had fun (after an acceptable period of mourning Grandpa) met people and discovered who she was. She defined herself I think as 'Ed's wife' and 'mother to 6 kids'...and when Grandpa passed and the family scattered...she was down a bit...but got up, dusted herself off and made a LIFE for herself. She took a bite out of life like noone I know...and I think found out who she was when everything she defined herself with was taken from her through the evolution of time.
So why then am I responding in the way I am? Disconnected-ness...aloofness? I don't know. I know it's my pride...I know that much. That I'm retreating into my own head because the fact is...I believe I've got it all together when I'm like this. My head is writing checks my emotions can't cash. I need to find some way to break out of this...
I'm trying to figure it out because the next few weeks are going to be a marathon of family and moving. My uncles are at this moment probably leaving Arizona and heading here via the southern route. They've said their good byes to Grandma and don't want to see her like this...but they know their place is here. So for the next week or so...my time is gonna be focused on my family. I need to drop this disconnect somehow...cause I'm gonna be needed to be there for people...and I know from experience...to feel the pain I'm feeling about the situation myself so it doesn't come and bite me in the butt down the road. Plus moving...the act of packing up everything I own...and putting it in boxes...labelling it and then packing it up and taking it somewhere else to be UNPACKED is so scary and daunting. Deb and I have lived here for five years...and we had a lot of junk BEFORE when we moved in here...to say nothing of what we got while living here...so we're paring down too.
This year so far has been one of drastic change. I'm a bit frightened because truth be known...I liked my life the way it was. I know change shouldn't be feared...but yet here I am.
Pray for my family please...and for me. I don't want to disconnect from those around me who love and care for me...but it's one of my oldest responses to stress. I thank each of you for your love and friendship and thank you for just letting me be in your orbit.
Thanks for reading;
Comments