Tomorrow
I sit here tonight in my office...surrounded by boxes with most of my stuff from this small room in it...and I find myself feeling the need to write.
Gram's gone...and tomorrow we start the process of saying Goodbye.
It's not a subject I'm terribly good at. Saying 'see ya later' or 'have a good one'...I'm fine with. The thought that I'll be seeing that person again...intending to at that moment wish the other person farewell...with every intention of picking up where we left off...even if we never see each other for years (if at all)...I'm good at that. I have experience with. One of my best friends in the world (next to Deb) I didn't speak to regularly for almost 10 years...even through email...yet when I saw her two years ago at a college reunion it was like we never were apart. We caught up, and then just continued conversations that were left dormant for 10 years. To this day she and I speak semi-regularly and my wife ADORES her. This is a person whom when I saw last I intended to see again...and though it took 10 years...she's still an important part of my life.
Tomorrow though...is literally good-bye.
AT least as far as my physical life is concerned.
That's the part I'm not too good at. Saying that final 'good bye'.
When my maternal grandmother passed in 1991...it DEVASTATED me. I boxed it away though...compartmentalized it and tried to continue on. I had moments where spurts would come through (like my opening night debut in "Damn Yankees") but for the most part that pain was like a ticking timebomb in the deepest darkest recesses of my heart. Throughout the entire funeral process I was a rock until the night we closed her casket...then I lost it...but though I cried and mourned...I never really let myself FEEL it. It took almost 9 months...when she won the DCI Volunteer of the Year award in Dallas (posthumously) and my Grandfather accepted...and I met Jim Mason (whom she always wanted to introduce me to) that I fully grasped her being gone. It started the process that took a great deal of time...and while I still miss her terribly...I know that she'd want me not to hold on...but to keep being the best I can.
With Grammy though it's different.
Through every important event in my life that I can recall (said many Christmases/birthdays, the earlier referred to 'Opening night', my Graduation, my going off to college, my wedding etc)...she was an ever present participant. She made it a priority to be there to show her love and support of me. Our relationship wasn't like my maternal Grandmother...but in some ways it was more special. Grammy got to see the man I had become. See the growth in me from a somewhat awkward kid, to geeky teenage fashion victim, to 'phony' college wannabe jerk, to an aimless drifter post-college with no idea where he was, to a redeemed returned believer, to a husband, then to a LOVING Husband (there is a difference), to a full-fledged adult who still struggles with being somewhat geeky, awkward, fashionably inept, phony and wannabe jerk sometimes.
Throughout all that though...what I don't know I ever conveyed...was how proud I am to have been born to this family and to be HER Grandson. I tried to show my love for her in ways different than I did with Gram Short...though I wasn't up at the home as much as I wanted to be...I was there when the chips were down and she needed support. I remember anytime she was in Strong...making it a point to get there. Even her final trip to Thompson...I made the trip up to make sure she was ok. It warmed my heart so to have her recognize me through my (what the doctors said was necessary) surgical mask. Her face lighting up when she said she recognized the voice. It melted my heart so much.
I have one last service I can perform for her...
As an Elder of Oasis Christian Fellowship...I'm an ordained minister...legally authorized to perform funerals AND weddings...and when Pastor Samme and Pastor Scott were unavailable for her service...the family asked me if I would do it. I struggled with it (and at times still do)...but after fervently seeking God's face and getting counsel...I find myself unable and unwilling to say no. So come Tuesday morning...I'll be officiating Grammy's funeral service. It's a sobering thought and responsibility and there has been more than one point during the past two days that I thought of hitting the 'eject' button...but I can't let her down. I find myself thinking this is how she'd want it...or at least I tell myself that in hopes I'm right.
So I sit here tonight...planning to pray and ask for guidance for tomorrow as I begin to take my outline, and write my Eulogy and Teaching...to find the verses I think fit...and to try and organize my thoughts and pray for strength. I'm struggling to balance my role as mourner and grandson with my calling as a teacher of the Gospel. I find myself scared beyond anything I've ever felt...but as the Psalms remind me "whom shall I fear for thou art with me." I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...so I have to believe that come Tuesday; the words will be right...and His spirit will move.
I covet your prayers...I know it's a gamble...but it's the hand I was dealt. However it's not like I was given a 7-2 off-suit with two aces showing on the flop...God has given me all the tools I need for this. My family has given me all the support I need...and Gram has given me all the love I'll need to make sure that her sendoff is appropriate, heartfelt and REAL. Those are my goals...and I know it will be ok.
Just in case though...again...PRAY!
Thanks for Reading.
Gram's gone...and tomorrow we start the process of saying Goodbye.
It's not a subject I'm terribly good at. Saying 'see ya later' or 'have a good one'...I'm fine with. The thought that I'll be seeing that person again...intending to at that moment wish the other person farewell...with every intention of picking up where we left off...even if we never see each other for years (if at all)...I'm good at that. I have experience with. One of my best friends in the world (next to Deb) I didn't speak to regularly for almost 10 years...even through email...yet when I saw her two years ago at a college reunion it was like we never were apart. We caught up, and then just continued conversations that were left dormant for 10 years. To this day she and I speak semi-regularly and my wife ADORES her. This is a person whom when I saw last I intended to see again...and though it took 10 years...she's still an important part of my life.
Tomorrow though...is literally good-bye.
AT least as far as my physical life is concerned.
That's the part I'm not too good at. Saying that final 'good bye'.
When my maternal grandmother passed in 1991...it DEVASTATED me. I boxed it away though...compartmentalized it and tried to continue on. I had moments where spurts would come through (like my opening night debut in "Damn Yankees") but for the most part that pain was like a ticking timebomb in the deepest darkest recesses of my heart. Throughout the entire funeral process I was a rock until the night we closed her casket...then I lost it...but though I cried and mourned...I never really let myself FEEL it. It took almost 9 months...when she won the DCI Volunteer of the Year award in Dallas (posthumously) and my Grandfather accepted...and I met Jim Mason (whom she always wanted to introduce me to) that I fully grasped her being gone. It started the process that took a great deal of time...and while I still miss her terribly...I know that she'd want me not to hold on...but to keep being the best I can.
With Grammy though it's different.
Through every important event in my life that I can recall (said many Christmases/birthdays, the earlier referred to 'Opening night', my Graduation, my going off to college, my wedding etc)...she was an ever present participant. She made it a priority to be there to show her love and support of me. Our relationship wasn't like my maternal Grandmother...but in some ways it was more special. Grammy got to see the man I had become. See the growth in me from a somewhat awkward kid, to geeky teenage fashion victim, to 'phony' college wannabe jerk, to an aimless drifter post-college with no idea where he was, to a redeemed returned believer, to a husband, then to a LOVING Husband (there is a difference), to a full-fledged adult who still struggles with being somewhat geeky, awkward, fashionably inept, phony and wannabe jerk sometimes.
Throughout all that though...what I don't know I ever conveyed...was how proud I am to have been born to this family and to be HER Grandson. I tried to show my love for her in ways different than I did with Gram Short...though I wasn't up at the home as much as I wanted to be...I was there when the chips were down and she needed support. I remember anytime she was in Strong...making it a point to get there. Even her final trip to Thompson...I made the trip up to make sure she was ok. It warmed my heart so to have her recognize me through my (what the doctors said was necessary) surgical mask. Her face lighting up when she said she recognized the voice. It melted my heart so much.
I have one last service I can perform for her...
As an Elder of Oasis Christian Fellowship...I'm an ordained minister...legally authorized to perform funerals AND weddings...and when Pastor Samme and Pastor Scott were unavailable for her service...the family asked me if I would do it. I struggled with it (and at times still do)...but after fervently seeking God's face and getting counsel...I find myself unable and unwilling to say no. So come Tuesday morning...I'll be officiating Grammy's funeral service. It's a sobering thought and responsibility and there has been more than one point during the past two days that I thought of hitting the 'eject' button...but I can't let her down. I find myself thinking this is how she'd want it...or at least I tell myself that in hopes I'm right.
So I sit here tonight...planning to pray and ask for guidance for tomorrow as I begin to take my outline, and write my Eulogy and Teaching...to find the verses I think fit...and to try and organize my thoughts and pray for strength. I'm struggling to balance my role as mourner and grandson with my calling as a teacher of the Gospel. I find myself scared beyond anything I've ever felt...but as the Psalms remind me "whom shall I fear for thou art with me." I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...so I have to believe that come Tuesday; the words will be right...and His spirit will move.
I covet your prayers...I know it's a gamble...but it's the hand I was dealt. However it's not like I was given a 7-2 off-suit with two aces showing on the flop...God has given me all the tools I need for this. My family has given me all the support I need...and Gram has given me all the love I'll need to make sure that her sendoff is appropriate, heartfelt and REAL. Those are my goals...and I know it will be ok.
Just in case though...again...PRAY!
Thanks for Reading.
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