How to tell you're getting older...a blog about a friend.
I'm sad today.
I found out someone I considered a friend has passed away. I use the word considered because to be honest...I was a friend with her brother and she was always kind to me. In my world back then and even today...that made you a friend.
This isn't an Aunt, or Uncle or old friend of the family (though one did die as well this week)...but someone my age. Who graduated High School at the same time I did...was the sister of one of my very best childhood friends. Who always treated this awkward geeky hangabout tag-along kid with kindness and respect.
Now she's gone.
I haven't spoken to her in at least 15 years. I've reconnected with her brother both virtually and on the phone since 2006 (a yearly 'how ya doin' call or email or facebook)...but to be honest as what happens with childhood friends...we went various ways. I still care for him (and his family)...but as for daily or weekly contact...we eventually just found other people or ways to spend time.
That doesn't mean though hearing of her death I'm not affected. It's weird that just a day ago another old friend posted a TON of pictures of the times we were together. Seeing myself with the BIG glasses, high forehead and hair WAY too long (and of course my sleeves rolled up on a faux satin jacket) brought back so many things. I've always been blessed with a better than average memory. I can remember the feeling I got walking into their house for the first time...with the large (to a 13 year old) entry way...and spending countless weekend overnights there and just soo many laughs, and weird looks as I did something awkward or stupid. While I was excited to see my friend...in truth I was excited to see her too. I don't think it was a crush per se...but more of just wanting to be around someone who could be kind to me...when I probably didn't deserve it.
I feel the loss of that...even though it's been lost to years...and distance already...knowing that this kind person is no longer a part of humanity just makes me feel like there's now a piece in the world missing. Seeing all those pictures yesterday I even resolved to contact my friend and inquire as to his family...and maybe start thinking about putting together a reunion of the 'ol' band'. No doubt his sister would have been at least invited...if not a part...and that saddens me.
Old friends are kinda like an alert box in a building. "Break in case of emergency". A touchstone to the past...and a way that you can at least say "Hey I knew this person and they liked me...". This being my first friend I've lost as an adult...I feel a sense of loss not just of the person...but the opportunity to reconnect with them in this new age of technology. Tech like Facebook and Myspace have allowed all of us who experienced a similar time, be it drum corps, high school, college, jobs, or just friendship...to reconnect...find out where we're at, and hopefully find new stories to remember together. Now while I"m sure at least some of us will reconnect...it'll be in the worst of circumstances...mourning someone and remembering them.
Unfortunately today...I realize...this is the first...but Lord willing...won't be the last time I feel this. This will happen again for as long as I live. I'll lose people who I've known or know now. Who made an impact on the person I am today (and the kindness of this friend I lost toward me..I can honestly say that about her), and people who I've never realized were important till they're gone.
The loss of a friend is really the end of the "wonder years" I think for any adult. To realize that it happens to "us". People our age. That tomorrow isn't promised to any of us on this planet. While I believe I'll continue to exist...there will come a day when I will have to face my own physical mortality. I pray that on that day...that my wife (who Lord willing will still be here) will know certain things. She'll not wonder about my feelings or if I wasted my life. I didn't. The weirdest part of thinking about my death is that in this self-centered world...grasping the idea that there will be jokes, stories and times that I'm not a part of because I will be gone seems so foreign. Our lives are shaped by our perspective...and if we're not there to perceive it...will it exist? The answer is...Yes.
I tell Debi every day how much I love her. Sometimes to the point where she thinks it's just filler talk...and to be honest it can be. However where I used to fill empty space with words of a bad joke, or a stupid question, or a lame attempt to try and rib someone (I've gotten a little better at that)...I now fill the empty silence with words that mean more to me than anything in the world.
"I love you Deb. You're Beautiful baby. You're my life honey. Can I have some Chicken Wing Pizza tonight? (I couldn't resist :) ), I don't know if I could go on without you...thank you for loving me."
I know that when it's my turn. When my number is up and I"m called into the arms of my heavenly father...my wife will be able to say that while I may leave things unfinished...that I loved her passionately (and not just physically passionately)...that she always knew where she stands in my life and I hope that she's a better person for having me in her life. That I know what she has done for me and that if she were not a part of my world...then the person I am today would be a LESSER person without her.
I know today that my old friend has someone today feeling that. I know her brother is...and sister, and other brother...and most assuredly her parents. I can't imagine their pain. As a kid I really loved them both as a set of foster parents at times. I hurt more for their loss today. I hurt for my childhood best friend's loss, for his sister's loss of her older sister, and for an oldest brother who is feeling the pain today. I know there are most assuredly more people feeling it. People who she's known since 1993. Lives she's touched...and that is a true testimony of life.
So today I pray. I pray for those of us left behind...who knew her at any point in her life. I pray you (reading this)...find someone today to tell them you love them. The loss of Lynn needs to teach something. Look at those closest to you today and let them know you love them, and how much they mean to you. If you're reading this and you knew Lynn...then odds are good...you're feeling similar feelings today. I want to personally thank you for putting up with a geeky awkward pain in the @$$ kid who could barely bang cymbals and CERTAINLY couldn't march (though I did do well at being locked in bus bathrooms...but I digress). You matter to me even if we haven't spoken in 20 years. To those other friends who may not have known Lynn...same thing. Facebook, MySpace, Blogger are great tools because they can show you the tapestry of your life. I can look at each picture in my 'friend's list'...each name and remember SOMETHING about the person. If it's in my long-term memory...it means you made an impact on this person's life...so thank you. You each matter to me and your acquaintence has made a difference.
Go hug a loved one today...stay in touch with those around you...and if you're a part of the Corps I was in...while I'm sorry for the circumstances...I hope to see you soon so we can all remember Lynn together.
Thanks for reading;
I found out someone I considered a friend has passed away. I use the word considered because to be honest...I was a friend with her brother and she was always kind to me. In my world back then and even today...that made you a friend.
This isn't an Aunt, or Uncle or old friend of the family (though one did die as well this week)...but someone my age. Who graduated High School at the same time I did...was the sister of one of my very best childhood friends. Who always treated this awkward geeky hangabout tag-along kid with kindness and respect.
Now she's gone.
I haven't spoken to her in at least 15 years. I've reconnected with her brother both virtually and on the phone since 2006 (a yearly 'how ya doin' call or email or facebook)...but to be honest as what happens with childhood friends...we went various ways. I still care for him (and his family)...but as for daily or weekly contact...we eventually just found other people or ways to spend time.
That doesn't mean though hearing of her death I'm not affected. It's weird that just a day ago another old friend posted a TON of pictures of the times we were together. Seeing myself with the BIG glasses, high forehead and hair WAY too long (and of course my sleeves rolled up on a faux satin jacket) brought back so many things. I've always been blessed with a better than average memory. I can remember the feeling I got walking into their house for the first time...with the large (to a 13 year old) entry way...and spending countless weekend overnights there and just soo many laughs, and weird looks as I did something awkward or stupid. While I was excited to see my friend...in truth I was excited to see her too. I don't think it was a crush per se...but more of just wanting to be around someone who could be kind to me...when I probably didn't deserve it.
I feel the loss of that...even though it's been lost to years...and distance already...knowing that this kind person is no longer a part of humanity just makes me feel like there's now a piece in the world missing. Seeing all those pictures yesterday I even resolved to contact my friend and inquire as to his family...and maybe start thinking about putting together a reunion of the 'ol' band'. No doubt his sister would have been at least invited...if not a part...and that saddens me.
Old friends are kinda like an alert box in a building. "Break in case of emergency". A touchstone to the past...and a way that you can at least say "Hey I knew this person and they liked me...". This being my first friend I've lost as an adult...I feel a sense of loss not just of the person...but the opportunity to reconnect with them in this new age of technology. Tech like Facebook and Myspace have allowed all of us who experienced a similar time, be it drum corps, high school, college, jobs, or just friendship...to reconnect...find out where we're at, and hopefully find new stories to remember together. Now while I"m sure at least some of us will reconnect...it'll be in the worst of circumstances...mourning someone and remembering them.
Unfortunately today...I realize...this is the first...but Lord willing...won't be the last time I feel this. This will happen again for as long as I live. I'll lose people who I've known or know now. Who made an impact on the person I am today (and the kindness of this friend I lost toward me..I can honestly say that about her), and people who I've never realized were important till they're gone.
The loss of a friend is really the end of the "wonder years" I think for any adult. To realize that it happens to "us". People our age. That tomorrow isn't promised to any of us on this planet. While I believe I'll continue to exist...there will come a day when I will have to face my own physical mortality. I pray that on that day...that my wife (who Lord willing will still be here) will know certain things. She'll not wonder about my feelings or if I wasted my life. I didn't. The weirdest part of thinking about my death is that in this self-centered world...grasping the idea that there will be jokes, stories and times that I'm not a part of because I will be gone seems so foreign. Our lives are shaped by our perspective...and if we're not there to perceive it...will it exist? The answer is...Yes.
I tell Debi every day how much I love her. Sometimes to the point where she thinks it's just filler talk...and to be honest it can be. However where I used to fill empty space with words of a bad joke, or a stupid question, or a lame attempt to try and rib someone (I've gotten a little better at that)...I now fill the empty silence with words that mean more to me than anything in the world.
"I love you Deb. You're Beautiful baby. You're my life honey. Can I have some Chicken Wing Pizza tonight? (I couldn't resist :) ), I don't know if I could go on without you...thank you for loving me."
I know that when it's my turn. When my number is up and I"m called into the arms of my heavenly father...my wife will be able to say that while I may leave things unfinished...that I loved her passionately (and not just physically passionately)...that she always knew where she stands in my life and I hope that she's a better person for having me in her life. That I know what she has done for me and that if she were not a part of my world...then the person I am today would be a LESSER person without her.
I know today that my old friend has someone today feeling that. I know her brother is...and sister, and other brother...and most assuredly her parents. I can't imagine their pain. As a kid I really loved them both as a set of foster parents at times. I hurt more for their loss today. I hurt for my childhood best friend's loss, for his sister's loss of her older sister, and for an oldest brother who is feeling the pain today. I know there are most assuredly more people feeling it. People who she's known since 1993. Lives she's touched...and that is a true testimony of life.
So today I pray. I pray for those of us left behind...who knew her at any point in her life. I pray you (reading this)...find someone today to tell them you love them. The loss of Lynn needs to teach something. Look at those closest to you today and let them know you love them, and how much they mean to you. If you're reading this and you knew Lynn...then odds are good...you're feeling similar feelings today. I want to personally thank you for putting up with a geeky awkward pain in the @$$ kid who could barely bang cymbals and CERTAINLY couldn't march (though I did do well at being locked in bus bathrooms...but I digress). You matter to me even if we haven't spoken in 20 years. To those other friends who may not have known Lynn...same thing. Facebook, MySpace, Blogger are great tools because they can show you the tapestry of your life. I can look at each picture in my 'friend's list'...each name and remember SOMETHING about the person. If it's in my long-term memory...it means you made an impact on this person's life...so thank you. You each matter to me and your acquaintence has made a difference.
Go hug a loved one today...stay in touch with those around you...and if you're a part of the Corps I was in...while I'm sorry for the circumstances...I hope to see you soon so we can all remember Lynn together.
Thanks for reading;
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