2011 - In the rearview...2012...What's next?
Happy New Year to All!
First let me say...that if you're reading this it's probably because you're a friend or family member whom I love and value. If you're not...then frankly it's my hope that after reading the words I've written through this blog the last few years...you may GET to know me...so let me say the following. The person I am today is not a result of any one man, woman or person in my life. You could say it's the result of God...and that is CERTAINLY true...but I'm the whole of the sum of YOUR parts. My whole life has been made up of people...people whom I've loved, wanted to love, or wanted to love me. If you're someone who feels that maybe I'm a jerk, or don't like you or feel that I"m not worth the time...that's fine too. My life is made up of the people I've been blessed to know. I wouldn't change a thing.
But change...is what today's entry is about.
As most are want to do at this time of year...you take an 'inventory'...look at the last year and try to imagine where you may have either blown it...where it took you to places you didn't plan and where you feel you made the most impact...hopefully to avoid the pitfalls, recreate the wins and be prepared for the year to come. I'm no different.
I realize now that I spend a lot of time looking back. I don't know how healthy it is. I tell myself it's so I don't make the same mistakes I've made. I'm one of the most self-aware people you're ever going to meet. I'd like to think NOT narcissistic...but a case could probably made for that. It helps that I've got a pretty good memory of things that's happened to me. I'm not one of those 'autobiographical' memory types...where they can recall with pinpoint accuracy any day in their life...but I do have a lot in my mind rattling around that to most may seem insignificant...but for me seems to be written. I've written in the past about those types of events. I remember when I was kicked out of the 'circus trip'...how I felt the day Grandma passed...opening night of Damn Yankees when I was a mess right up until I sang my first note...I can remember the lean down to kiss my Grandmother Short on her forehead on January 17, 1991...I remember how it felt to lose my virginity, how it felt the first time I fell in love. Those big events are obvious...but I can also remember the little things. A conversation I had with a professor about my role in the department in Oswego, a birthday of an old friend...these are things in my head. So 2011...I can honestly say I remember most of the days. It was a year of change for me.
In January 2011...I was still working for a company I'd been with 3 years, celebrating our first year in our house, helped launch a radio station, and was doing well with Debi. It seemed like everything was copacetic. By the end of the year I was in a different job, Deb and I are doing well...but we're realizing where changes are needing to be made, and I'm making other life type considerations. In the past year I've seen yet ANOTHER schism in my extended family on my mother's side...and a case could be made that I somewhat precipitated it (with a previous blog entry). To the point where this relative has cut off all 'extended' relatives (nieces, nephews, etc...(or at least SOME of us)) and has locked their facebook off from us. It's tough because I feel somewhat responsible for this one. I'm struggling with that...because for me family has always been one of those things that I hold very sacred and dear. I've always operated under the notion that family is family...and you DO (things) for family. That those relationships are the most lasting you'll ever have. It's a fundamental reason I believe God made marriage (and I do believe it is a GOD appointed and created union...what the government is doing with it is DIFFERENT than what I'm talking about...so I hope I don't offend). I believe God made marriage to MAKE families...and ties that will forever bind us to others. That those ties cannot be broken just by capricious choice. I know that's not how everyone sees it...but it's been disheartening this holiday to see how some have distanced themselves. I'm not putting myself above them...but if by some chance they read this...I'm asking them to consider reaching out. I'm willing to apologize if necessary...I was wrong...and I won't ask the same. I just want my family back together.
In addition to family drama I started a new gig. After four years of living in my office at home...I'm now working in Pittsford in a real office. Ya know it's been a struggle for me...personally. With UU I realized...they saw me MAYBE once every other month and we spent maybe a week or two a year together...while being in an office...I'm here at least 40 hours a week. UU seemed to fit my 'large' personality a bit...and even encouraged it. I had to be big...because I wouldn't see these people for a year...and I was genuinely happy to see them. Now working in an office I've realized something...I can be DAMN annoying that way. :) Noone is saying anything and I'm in with a great team. My CO-SA is awesome and the head of Dev is great as is the main tech writer. However I can see that sometimes my 'largeness' (not talking size mind you)...can have a weird effect. I am gonna see these guys for around 200 days this year...I don't need to be so 'in your face' about my humor and getting in. So I'm hoping that this year I'm gonna dial back a bit. It's important to me that these people get to know the "REAL" me...the one who can make jokes...but at times is doing that strictly as a defense measure. They're good people and worth the time.
Finally this year...I'm resolving two things:
1: To try and get down to a manageable weight. I spent New Years Eve in extreme pain in my lower back from all the housework I did Friday and Saturday. It was EXCRUCIATING...but I got it through it...but combined with my ankle debacle a few weeks ago...I'm of the mind to get back into the fitness thing. I'm gonna look for a good gym (may try Deb's as it has a pool...) and try to get my diet under control. I have like 10 sodas left...and I'm resolved to make those my last for awhile and I'm gonna go back on the "Crystal Light/Water" thing. It needs to happen.
2: (and by far MORE important than number 1)...I'm resolving to try and be a better husband to Deb and a better man in general. I still struggle with selfish tendencies. Being in an office again...I'm tired when I get home. That doesn't release me from the responsibilities I have at home...and I"m not just talking dishes. I need to be more emotionally available and also less inwardly focused. Deb is looking out for me...and so why am I ALSO looking out for me. Yes I'm also looking out for her...but maybe I need to shift my focus more. In addition...I turned 38 on Christmas Day this year. I'm celebrating my 20 year reunion this year with friends from HS...20 years. I remember what it was 20 years ago looking to now...and (in the words of Singles...) I thought we'd all be traveling in airlocks and have the flying car by now. We're not. We're living just like our parents did...day to day and getting by. Yes the world has changed since I graduated (I didn't even KNOW what an internet was in 1992...)but the most important things haven't. People STILL rate more than honors and money. It's time to focus on those things. I need to be a better man...more caring than I have been...I used to be. I remember High School when I seemed to care about everyone...somewhere along the way I got hardened. I still have compassion for those around me...I still care what they need when they need it...but there was a time I cared about their desires too. Somewhere I stopped...and I'm in MINISTRY for Goodness sake. I need to get back to at least part of whom I used to be...or I'm forever going to be stunted. No way...not gonna happen. I've gotten back to private journaling...I found my old poetry book and I may start adding to it again. I am going to become a better musician, finish learning the basics of the guitar so I can start writing again...and just try and see what God has for me.
So that's it...my new year's post. Hope you liked it. I want to thank you all again for all the years we've all had. I plan to have many more...and look forward to making new memories...and better friends.
Thanks for reading...
I realize now that I spend a lot of time looking back. I don't know how healthy it is. I tell myself it's so I don't make the same mistakes I've made. I'm one of the most self-aware people you're ever going to meet. I'd like to think NOT narcissistic...but a case could probably made for that. It helps that I've got a pretty good memory of things that's happened to me. I'm not one of those 'autobiographical' memory types...where they can recall with pinpoint accuracy any day in their life...but I do have a lot in my mind rattling around that to most may seem insignificant...but for me seems to be written. I've written in the past about those types of events. I remember when I was kicked out of the 'circus trip'...how I felt the day Grandma passed...opening night of Damn Yankees when I was a mess right up until I sang my first note...I can remember the lean down to kiss my Grandmother Short on her forehead on January 17, 1991...I remember how it felt to lose my virginity, how it felt the first time I fell in love. Those big events are obvious...but I can also remember the little things. A conversation I had with a professor about my role in the department in Oswego, a birthday of an old friend...these are things in my head. So 2011...I can honestly say I remember most of the days. It was a year of change for me.
In January 2011...I was still working for a company I'd been with 3 years, celebrating our first year in our house, helped launch a radio station, and was doing well with Debi. It seemed like everything was copacetic. By the end of the year I was in a different job, Deb and I are doing well...but we're realizing where changes are needing to be made, and I'm making other life type considerations. In the past year I've seen yet ANOTHER schism in my extended family on my mother's side...and a case could be made that I somewhat precipitated it (with a previous blog entry). To the point where this relative has cut off all 'extended' relatives (nieces, nephews, etc...(or at least SOME of us)) and has locked their facebook off from us. It's tough because I feel somewhat responsible for this one. I'm struggling with that...because for me family has always been one of those things that I hold very sacred and dear. I've always operated under the notion that family is family...and you DO (things) for family. That those relationships are the most lasting you'll ever have. It's a fundamental reason I believe God made marriage (and I do believe it is a GOD appointed and created union...what the government is doing with it is DIFFERENT than what I'm talking about...so I hope I don't offend). I believe God made marriage to MAKE families...and ties that will forever bind us to others. That those ties cannot be broken just by capricious choice. I know that's not how everyone sees it...but it's been disheartening this holiday to see how some have distanced themselves. I'm not putting myself above them...but if by some chance they read this...I'm asking them to consider reaching out. I'm willing to apologize if necessary...I was wrong...and I won't ask the same. I just want my family back together.
In addition to family drama I started a new gig. After four years of living in my office at home...I'm now working in Pittsford in a real office. Ya know it's been a struggle for me...personally. With UU I realized...they saw me MAYBE once every other month and we spent maybe a week or two a year together...while being in an office...I'm here at least 40 hours a week. UU seemed to fit my 'large' personality a bit...and even encouraged it. I had to be big...because I wouldn't see these people for a year...and I was genuinely happy to see them. Now working in an office I've realized something...I can be DAMN annoying that way. :) Noone is saying anything and I'm in with a great team. My CO-SA is awesome and the head of Dev is great as is the main tech writer. However I can see that sometimes my 'largeness' (not talking size mind you)...can have a weird effect. I am gonna see these guys for around 200 days this year...I don't need to be so 'in your face' about my humor and getting in. So I'm hoping that this year I'm gonna dial back a bit. It's important to me that these people get to know the "REAL" me...the one who can make jokes...but at times is doing that strictly as a defense measure. They're good people and worth the time.
Finally this year...I'm resolving two things:
1: To try and get down to a manageable weight. I spent New Years Eve in extreme pain in my lower back from all the housework I did Friday and Saturday. It was EXCRUCIATING...but I got it through it...but combined with my ankle debacle a few weeks ago...I'm of the mind to get back into the fitness thing. I'm gonna look for a good gym (may try Deb's as it has a pool...) and try to get my diet under control. I have like 10 sodas left...and I'm resolved to make those my last for awhile and I'm gonna go back on the "Crystal Light/Water" thing. It needs to happen.
2: (and by far MORE important than number 1)...I'm resolving to try and be a better husband to Deb and a better man in general. I still struggle with selfish tendencies. Being in an office again...I'm tired when I get home. That doesn't release me from the responsibilities I have at home...and I"m not just talking dishes. I need to be more emotionally available and also less inwardly focused. Deb is looking out for me...and so why am I ALSO looking out for me. Yes I'm also looking out for her...but maybe I need to shift my focus more. In addition...I turned 38 on Christmas Day this year. I'm celebrating my 20 year reunion this year with friends from HS...20 years. I remember what it was 20 years ago looking to now...and (in the words of Singles...) I thought we'd all be traveling in airlocks and have the flying car by now. We're not. We're living just like our parents did...day to day and getting by. Yes the world has changed since I graduated (I didn't even KNOW what an internet was in 1992...)but the most important things haven't. People STILL rate more than honors and money. It's time to focus on those things. I need to be a better man...more caring than I have been...I used to be. I remember High School when I seemed to care about everyone...somewhere along the way I got hardened. I still have compassion for those around me...I still care what they need when they need it...but there was a time I cared about their desires too. Somewhere I stopped...and I'm in MINISTRY for Goodness sake. I need to get back to at least part of whom I used to be...or I'm forever going to be stunted. No way...not gonna happen. I've gotten back to private journaling...I found my old poetry book and I may start adding to it again. I am going to become a better musician, finish learning the basics of the guitar so I can start writing again...and just try and see what God has for me.
So that's it...my new year's post. Hope you liked it. I want to thank you all again for all the years we've all had. I plan to have many more...and look forward to making new memories...and better friends.
Thanks for reading...
Comments
were always proud of you. Remember there is no one who doesn't make mistakes. It is always best you learn from it. I believe you learned a little more then taking all the blame.