Why do we dig reunions so much?
It's kinda weird. When I was 17...I couldn't WAIT to get out of Canandaigua. As you no doubt have read previously...I was an awkward kinda kid. Just didn't seem to fit (or actually...I'm realizing that was in most cases that perception was in my head and believe it or not I chalk it up to pride...but more on that later) and so I just seemed to look forward to being able to hit 'reset' when I went to college and while I had friends and people I ran (or in other words...glommed onto like a barnicle) with...I tended to feel like I was a loner type of person.
However...in the last few years...with the adoption of Facebook I've spent quite a bit of time reconnecting and getting together with old high school people. I actually find myself looking forward to seeing them, finding out what they're doing and just having some laughs.
Usually at least once a year someone will have a picnic and this year the class of 91 (the one before my graduating class) had their 20th reunion and so this past weekend they put together a second picnic inviting people who may not have been in their class...and I was really excited to go. It was in the old hometown (Canandaigua) and so I made the hour long drive out to a park and spent Saturday afternoon with them. It was a great time and it also allowed me to drive through my old neighborhood and to see 'Gramma next door' again (this little old literally 'off the boat' Italian lady who was always VERY KIND to my sister and I and whose youngest daughter used to babysit for us). I even got to peek inside the old house as it appears they're selling it and I know they did major work on it after we moved out (the back half used to be falling into the ground as it was never built on a foundation...so they tore it off and did major work on it...from what I saw through the windows it was awesome.).
What I found myself pondering though was one question. Why? I'm 37 years old...I have a wife who's my best friend, a great job and a circle of friends whom I genuinely care for and who care for me...so what makes me want to go to these things? Is it some form of 'validation'? Is it some form of trying to hold on to or even recapture my youth? I discounted those two almost immediately. While it's true that when I was younger I felt distant and didn't really think I had anyone who gave a crap about me...the truth is I was fooling and deluding myself and it just game me an excuse to think I was superior to others. There is no greater feeling in the world than that you and you alone are in charge of your life. I thought I was so much better than most people when I was in 7th and 8th grade. I had this air of superiority in my solitude. While I did genuinely WANT friends..I was so scared of getting hurt I believed all I needed was me and so I just didn't invest. In high school...when I finally started finding out who I was...the damage was pretty much done. I did have friends...and I made a lot of new ones...but man was I a jerk sometimes. Still self-absorbed...and now I didn't have the social skills necessary to mix well with others. I still remember the incident with the 'circus' of 11th grade...and in some ways I allowed that to really color my perceptions I think. In the years since however...I'm finding more and more that a lot of what I blamed others for...were my own fault. So validation of my youth and in a way of the 'man I've become' in the eyes of these friends isn't really a factor for me as I believe in truth...they always did VALUE me...I just was too dumb and prideful to see it.
Likewise I discounted the whole 'getting old so want to be around these people to feel young' thing as well. Fact is...I've never STOPPED feeling young. I'm only 37 years old...I have (Lord willing) 40-50 years still in front of me if I can stay healthy and maybe drop some weight. If not...I know where I'm going and frankly death holds no fear for me. In truth...while hanging with these people...and seeing most of them with their children...I think I'd start to feel old. One of my exes...someone I cared about for most of my late teens and early 20's has a daughter...and a great husband. Seeing her interact with her daughter warmed my heart...and yet it struck me that she's actually someone's Mom. This girl who invited me to her senior ball and gave me rides home after play practice...only to shun me later as we both got weirded out for some reason (I never did get to that prom)...and who I reconnected years later with in college and dated...and who I imagine I hurt sometimes as I tend to refer to my time at Oswego as my 'duchebag' years...is someone's mother...and someone's wife...and an amazing one at that. It's awesome to see that.
That's when I realized the two reasons why I enjoy these.
It isn't about me. It' s about them. I genuinely LIKE them. From Betsy who comes every other year from Germany and who this year brought her daughters I met who were just so sweet and awesome...I've never seen kids so genuinely affectionate. One of them decided that I'd be great to use as a flotation device...and then spent 10 minutes trying to 'dunk' me in shallow water (she's 6 by the way). Even my 'tactally sensitive' self was just genuinely in awe at the freedom of a child. Then there's Addie...she's just awesome. She's always been great to me...and genuine. Shane and his kids...and the way he shows his son off isn't on how fast he runs or how smart he is...but instead he got great joy out of showing me his toddler can identify the ship Han Solo flies (and I have to say...I was impressed and can't wait to bring Star Wars to my nephew...), Kelly who I haven't seen since college...and just catching up with her and what's been going on...hearing of her recent health stuff broke my heart and really made me thankful for Deb's recovery as Kelly had a similar operation to Deb's from 09 and is still having complications...I pray for her daily. Todd whom I've only ever MET at these functions...but seems like just a cool cat, Terry who I hadn't seen since we graduated...and who is still the same old guy he was, Kim K whom I've only REALLY gotten to know in the last few years (as in HIgh school I was sort of intimidated by her maturity and wit) and who is going through a time right now. There were new friends made too. Jeff (Denise's husband) is a REAL guy...and just awesome. Tracy whom I knew tangentially in High School...but didn't realize who she was until the end of the night...but seems now to be just cool. There were others...but I think my point is made.
These people are just like me. We ALL have moved on. We've all got lives outside. In the early 90's...we all couldn't imagine a time that we'd not see each other every day. Sure in your head you'd process that...know you're going to college...but I think you think that these people will be waiting in Canandaigua when we get back. We found however that in some cases we didn't come back. Though I was home most summers...I didn't call many people. I made newer friends...I worked...I invested in my college friends more...and then afterward when I moved home...I made new friends...invested in them etc. We all now have other circles...and even this past Saturday...it was neat to be around them and in a way see that while everything may have changed...it's still kinda the same. Then we left and came home and by now we're all in the swing of it...doing our day to day lives but maybe smiling a bit at the memories that seeing these people evoke. A name that's brought up and I go "OH MY GOD...I haven't thought of that person in years..." when at the time they seemed to be the most IMPORTANT thing in the world.
I think why we do these is not validation or attempting to hold on to the past. I think we do it for perspective. I can at least say that for me. While I care for and am closer NOW to these people...back in the day I don't think I was particularly close to many of them. A few...but the friendships I've made NOW seem more real and permanant than the ones then. I think these reunions for me let me see where I am...by just for a second...reminding me where I came from.
I appreciate my life more today than I did Friday. I have no misgivings or rose-colored glasses. High School and college were tough for me. It wasn't until I got out that I really found what I was made of and what issues I needed (and still do) to work on. Hearing these people talk and laugh...my memory works in such a way that one little tone or word said by someone...and I can suddenly be thrown back into that time in my mind...and remember the feelings and place and circumstances. I can then look around and say "wow...the journey has been rough...but man...if I hadn't met these people...who can say if I'd be where I am now..."
While that perspective is important...I think though the main reason I'll go next year...and whenever I'm invited and my schedule allows...is because I genuinely LIKE these people. I'm blessed to know them...and blessed to have them know me. I appreciate them...so next year when we do the overnight we were talking...I'll be there with my wife...and hopefully...make some new memories and come home and need to sleep for 2 days cause of how fun it was.
Next year is also my 20 year reunion with the class of 92. I'm looking forward to that too. I think the same reasoning applies...that those are also some great people. Plus...I have a hot wife and let's be honest...I love to show her off. What can I say...Billy Benson may never die. :)
Thanks for reading...
However...in the last few years...with the adoption of Facebook I've spent quite a bit of time reconnecting and getting together with old high school people. I actually find myself looking forward to seeing them, finding out what they're doing and just having some laughs.
Usually at least once a year someone will have a picnic and this year the class of 91 (the one before my graduating class) had their 20th reunion and so this past weekend they put together a second picnic inviting people who may not have been in their class...and I was really excited to go. It was in the old hometown (Canandaigua) and so I made the hour long drive out to a park and spent Saturday afternoon with them. It was a great time and it also allowed me to drive through my old neighborhood and to see 'Gramma next door' again (this little old literally 'off the boat' Italian lady who was always VERY KIND to my sister and I and whose youngest daughter used to babysit for us). I even got to peek inside the old house as it appears they're selling it and I know they did major work on it after we moved out (the back half used to be falling into the ground as it was never built on a foundation...so they tore it off and did major work on it...from what I saw through the windows it was awesome.).
What I found myself pondering though was one question. Why? I'm 37 years old...I have a wife who's my best friend, a great job and a circle of friends whom I genuinely care for and who care for me...so what makes me want to go to these things? Is it some form of 'validation'? Is it some form of trying to hold on to or even recapture my youth? I discounted those two almost immediately. While it's true that when I was younger I felt distant and didn't really think I had anyone who gave a crap about me...the truth is I was fooling and deluding myself and it just game me an excuse to think I was superior to others. There is no greater feeling in the world than that you and you alone are in charge of your life. I thought I was so much better than most people when I was in 7th and 8th grade. I had this air of superiority in my solitude. While I did genuinely WANT friends..I was so scared of getting hurt I believed all I needed was me and so I just didn't invest. In high school...when I finally started finding out who I was...the damage was pretty much done. I did have friends...and I made a lot of new ones...but man was I a jerk sometimes. Still self-absorbed...and now I didn't have the social skills necessary to mix well with others. I still remember the incident with the 'circus' of 11th grade...and in some ways I allowed that to really color my perceptions I think. In the years since however...I'm finding more and more that a lot of what I blamed others for...were my own fault. So validation of my youth and in a way of the 'man I've become' in the eyes of these friends isn't really a factor for me as I believe in truth...they always did VALUE me...I just was too dumb and prideful to see it.
Likewise I discounted the whole 'getting old so want to be around these people to feel young' thing as well. Fact is...I've never STOPPED feeling young. I'm only 37 years old...I have (Lord willing) 40-50 years still in front of me if I can stay healthy and maybe drop some weight. If not...I know where I'm going and frankly death holds no fear for me. In truth...while hanging with these people...and seeing most of them with their children...I think I'd start to feel old. One of my exes...someone I cared about for most of my late teens and early 20's has a daughter...and a great husband. Seeing her interact with her daughter warmed my heart...and yet it struck me that she's actually someone's Mom. This girl who invited me to her senior ball and gave me rides home after play practice...only to shun me later as we both got weirded out for some reason (I never did get to that prom)...and who I reconnected years later with in college and dated...and who I imagine I hurt sometimes as I tend to refer to my time at Oswego as my 'duchebag' years...is someone's mother...and someone's wife...and an amazing one at that. It's awesome to see that.
That's when I realized the two reasons why I enjoy these.
It isn't about me. It' s about them. I genuinely LIKE them. From Betsy who comes every other year from Germany and who this year brought her daughters I met who were just so sweet and awesome...I've never seen kids so genuinely affectionate. One of them decided that I'd be great to use as a flotation device...and then spent 10 minutes trying to 'dunk' me in shallow water (she's 6 by the way). Even my 'tactally sensitive' self was just genuinely in awe at the freedom of a child. Then there's Addie...she's just awesome. She's always been great to me...and genuine. Shane and his kids...and the way he shows his son off isn't on how fast he runs or how smart he is...but instead he got great joy out of showing me his toddler can identify the ship Han Solo flies (and I have to say...I was impressed and can't wait to bring Star Wars to my nephew...), Kelly who I haven't seen since college...and just catching up with her and what's been going on...hearing of her recent health stuff broke my heart and really made me thankful for Deb's recovery as Kelly had a similar operation to Deb's from 09 and is still having complications...I pray for her daily. Todd whom I've only ever MET at these functions...but seems like just a cool cat, Terry who I hadn't seen since we graduated...and who is still the same old guy he was, Kim K whom I've only REALLY gotten to know in the last few years (as in HIgh school I was sort of intimidated by her maturity and wit) and who is going through a time right now. There were new friends made too. Jeff (Denise's husband) is a REAL guy...and just awesome. Tracy whom I knew tangentially in High School...but didn't realize who she was until the end of the night...but seems now to be just cool. There were others...but I think my point is made.
These people are just like me. We ALL have moved on. We've all got lives outside. In the early 90's...we all couldn't imagine a time that we'd not see each other every day. Sure in your head you'd process that...know you're going to college...but I think you think that these people will be waiting in Canandaigua when we get back. We found however that in some cases we didn't come back. Though I was home most summers...I didn't call many people. I made newer friends...I worked...I invested in my college friends more...and then afterward when I moved home...I made new friends...invested in them etc. We all now have other circles...and even this past Saturday...it was neat to be around them and in a way see that while everything may have changed...it's still kinda the same. Then we left and came home and by now we're all in the swing of it...doing our day to day lives but maybe smiling a bit at the memories that seeing these people evoke. A name that's brought up and I go "OH MY GOD...I haven't thought of that person in years..." when at the time they seemed to be the most IMPORTANT thing in the world.
I think why we do these is not validation or attempting to hold on to the past. I think we do it for perspective. I can at least say that for me. While I care for and am closer NOW to these people...back in the day I don't think I was particularly close to many of them. A few...but the friendships I've made NOW seem more real and permanant than the ones then. I think these reunions for me let me see where I am...by just for a second...reminding me where I came from.
I appreciate my life more today than I did Friday. I have no misgivings or rose-colored glasses. High School and college were tough for me. It wasn't until I got out that I really found what I was made of and what issues I needed (and still do) to work on. Hearing these people talk and laugh...my memory works in such a way that one little tone or word said by someone...and I can suddenly be thrown back into that time in my mind...and remember the feelings and place and circumstances. I can then look around and say "wow...the journey has been rough...but man...if I hadn't met these people...who can say if I'd be where I am now..."
While that perspective is important...I think though the main reason I'll go next year...and whenever I'm invited and my schedule allows...is because I genuinely LIKE these people. I'm blessed to know them...and blessed to have them know me. I appreciate them...so next year when we do the overnight we were talking...I'll be there with my wife...and hopefully...make some new memories and come home and need to sleep for 2 days cause of how fun it was.
Next year is also my 20 year reunion with the class of 92. I'm looking forward to that too. I think the same reasoning applies...that those are also some great people. Plus...I have a hot wife and let's be honest...I love to show her off. What can I say...Billy Benson may never die. :)
Thanks for reading...
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