A letter to the 16 year old me.
I found an old book of poems I started back in HIGH SCHOOL. A lot of it is super-emo stuff...but it gives a good idea as to what was on my heart and mind back then...the below is the letter I would write to myself back then were he able to read it...I'm writing to myself at the age of 16 on May 7, 1990. I'm a sophomore in High School.:
Dear Billy;
By the time this is written...you'll have been gone for some time. I don't know when or how you went...but it was a slow and painful process. Sorry about that. Some say it might have started that first January day you stepped onto Oswego's campus...for others it was when you shared that first kiss with your first REAL love. For some they'll say it's when you had your first taste of a Sam Adam's Boston Lager. I think though...your demise started on a cold winter's night in Oswego. The fact is though...you're gone now...and I have been tasked with succeeding you. My name is Will...and I guess I came into existence the first night at Oswego when Gabbi and Kari decided that having two Bill's in the group we were hanging with was too hard...and since I had a super big crush on Gabbi it seemed like a GREAT idea for a new name. Little did I know that name would start a process that would result in you going away.
I've read your words you wrote through the process of your demise. Your over-emotive and rhyming poetry was a tad overindulgant at times...but it seemed to ask a few basic questions to which I believe you deserve and are entitled to answers in honor of the sacrifice you made that allowed me to be born.
First: No...you will not always be alone. Though there were many times in your youth where others seemed to reject, hurt and at times ignore you...you should know it has not always been that way. In truth though...the issue stemmed from you. You didn't seem to really engage in those around you. While you saw people for who they were and GENUINELY cared...it was masked by an apparent inability to see what's really going on. Your propensity for playing stupid costed you respect...and it's a talent you're going to unfortunately hang on to into your adulthood. Your social development stagnated as a result and at times the teachers and adults in your life (though not your parents) seemed to take the path of least resistance allowing you to shut yourself off from those around you and felt content that while you were reading or watching TV...you were quiet and relatively easy to deal with. In the years following Junior High though you've discovered the error in that and begun the process that will carry you through the rest of your high school and beyond. Your voice isn't the only thing about you that people enjoy Billy...but it's your genuine heart...once you drop the 'shades' you put around yourself and let people see who you really are...they'll start to realize that you're not just someone they can pile any joke, insult or rib on...but that you feel what they say is true...though they probably never really meant it. In the first year of college...you'll learn this well...but you'll apply it to your life. It won't be easy...but when you're done with College...and come home you will begin to find out just who you really are. That will enable you to actually make REAL friends whom you're going to care about very much...but again...you will also realize one stupid mistake you made. You have friends now. It doesn't seem like it Billy...but the people who you think in your heart just tolerate you...are actually your friends. In 20 years you're going to reconnect with them and it's going to make you feel pretty stupid actually that you wasted so much time thinking those around you didn't care whether you were there or not. Don't worry though...you're young and so are they...so they may not realize you didn't think they liked you back then...so just play stupid later.
2: Yes Billy...love is coming. Through your writings I can see a genuine heart LOOKING for THAT ONE. No you haven't met her yet. In fact...it's going to be a good 10 years before you will...but rest assured when you do...she's going to KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. It's going to be a rough courtship...but the experiences you have had and WILL have with women is going to steel your resolve to stick it out with her throughout some pretty rough roads. The women you'll love and be with are going to sometimes rip your heart out through your eyeballs. However...it all prepares you for THAT one...then you're going to find that all that hurt and pain is going to fade into the ether like a firefly who's flying away from you. It'll be visible until it isn't...then it's just a nice memory. Rest assured it's all worth it. You'll make some real screwups with some...and scratch your head a bit as to 'what you were thinking'...(or what were you thinking WITH)...but as I said...in time the hurt and pain will not even exist and all you'll see is her. For now though...if I could advise you (and again there isn't much you can change at this point)...I'd say that if you have a girlfriend...and she wants you to take her to the prom...DO IT! Taking your best friend whom you had some crush on isn't gonna result in anything...and while things will STILL no doubt work out as they do...it's going to be one of those things you wished you could change.
3: Your family is going to survive through tragedy and loss. Billy at this point...your Grandmother is sick and you know in your heart her time is short. Know that you're right...time IS short and she's going to go soon. However know that this Christmas; though her last...will stay with you (and I) for the rest of your life. Your good memory will absorb most of the night and you'll keep it close to your heart for the foreseeable future. She will go soon after and it IS going to devastate you. You'll get your goodbye...and a special something else but when she goes early next year...it will hurt. Her death will be peaceful and you will be strong enough to do as she requested of you and stay away the night she goes...and while you may wonder if you made the right choice...know this...you did and you will. The process of healing when she's gone will be everything it can but even so it's going to take you about 8 months before you even PROCESS what happened...and when you do it will still take a few years to understand. The problem you need to be ready for is more loss is coming. It won't be long until Great Granny goes and after that...Gramp will go suddenly. I dont' need to tell you to love on them...you will do that already...and while you won't get to say goodbye to Gramp the way you did Gram...you're going to realize that that is how he was and how he would probably have wanted it to go. Your other Grandmother is going to become someone you get close to...in her later years. She's going to marry Carl...and he's going to make her very happy over the next 20 years...and though you won't take every opportunity to be with her...you'll have no regrets about time lost and when she passes...it may be something that unifies your father's family. Billy your family is going to be a source of great strength to you over your coming years. A few of your cousins are going to become very good friends to you...and when you're older it will mean everything.
Finally Billy...happiness will NOT elude you. Your life will not be perfect...it's going to be tough at times. It's going to knock you down and more than once you're gonna wanna quit it all and retreat BACK into your head...or physically from life. You won't though. When you're at your weakest...someone is going to come to you and stay closer than a brother. Your Lord is still with you...you'll walk away from Him for a time. I know that's hard to believe...and you're going to be surprised when it happens (as it happens slowly)...but know this that though you walk away from Him...He will not walk away from you. Your WORST night to come...(I believe one of your last gasps truly) is going to result in an amazing event for you. You won't realize it when it comes...but I will realize it for you later.
Know this..I am you. You're not REALLY gone. All your pain...fears...laughs...feelings...friends and events of your life will transfer into me when the time is right. It's a long process but once completed...you become a great resource in helping me see the world through your eyes. As long as I live...you will too. Your demise just means you won't be the focal point of our life anymore. You existed much like a caterpillar does to the butterfly. You served to allow ME to see the world through a certain perspective. That perspective lends itself to continuing MY development. Thanks to all the pain and hurt you went through...the pain and hurt I endure isn't so tough now. It was all worth it.
So keep going Billy...in time things will get better. Your life will fold into mine and allow me to take US to new heights. You become a good man Billy...and your demise was never in vain.
Thanks for reading;
Will Benson
Dear Billy;
By the time this is written...you'll have been gone for some time. I don't know when or how you went...but it was a slow and painful process. Sorry about that. Some say it might have started that first January day you stepped onto Oswego's campus...for others it was when you shared that first kiss with your first REAL love. For some they'll say it's when you had your first taste of a Sam Adam's Boston Lager. I think though...your demise started on a cold winter's night in Oswego. The fact is though...you're gone now...and I have been tasked with succeeding you. My name is Will...and I guess I came into existence the first night at Oswego when Gabbi and Kari decided that having two Bill's in the group we were hanging with was too hard...and since I had a super big crush on Gabbi it seemed like a GREAT idea for a new name. Little did I know that name would start a process that would result in you going away.
I've read your words you wrote through the process of your demise. Your over-emotive and rhyming poetry was a tad overindulgant at times...but it seemed to ask a few basic questions to which I believe you deserve and are entitled to answers in honor of the sacrifice you made that allowed me to be born.
First: No...you will not always be alone. Though there were many times in your youth where others seemed to reject, hurt and at times ignore you...you should know it has not always been that way. In truth though...the issue stemmed from you. You didn't seem to really engage in those around you. While you saw people for who they were and GENUINELY cared...it was masked by an apparent inability to see what's really going on. Your propensity for playing stupid costed you respect...and it's a talent you're going to unfortunately hang on to into your adulthood. Your social development stagnated as a result and at times the teachers and adults in your life (though not your parents) seemed to take the path of least resistance allowing you to shut yourself off from those around you and felt content that while you were reading or watching TV...you were quiet and relatively easy to deal with. In the years following Junior High though you've discovered the error in that and begun the process that will carry you through the rest of your high school and beyond. Your voice isn't the only thing about you that people enjoy Billy...but it's your genuine heart...once you drop the 'shades' you put around yourself and let people see who you really are...they'll start to realize that you're not just someone they can pile any joke, insult or rib on...but that you feel what they say is true...though they probably never really meant it. In the first year of college...you'll learn this well...but you'll apply it to your life. It won't be easy...but when you're done with College...and come home you will begin to find out just who you really are. That will enable you to actually make REAL friends whom you're going to care about very much...but again...you will also realize one stupid mistake you made. You have friends now. It doesn't seem like it Billy...but the people who you think in your heart just tolerate you...are actually your friends. In 20 years you're going to reconnect with them and it's going to make you feel pretty stupid actually that you wasted so much time thinking those around you didn't care whether you were there or not. Don't worry though...you're young and so are they...so they may not realize you didn't think they liked you back then...so just play stupid later.
2: Yes Billy...love is coming. Through your writings I can see a genuine heart LOOKING for THAT ONE. No you haven't met her yet. In fact...it's going to be a good 10 years before you will...but rest assured when you do...she's going to KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. It's going to be a rough courtship...but the experiences you have had and WILL have with women is going to steel your resolve to stick it out with her throughout some pretty rough roads. The women you'll love and be with are going to sometimes rip your heart out through your eyeballs. However...it all prepares you for THAT one...then you're going to find that all that hurt and pain is going to fade into the ether like a firefly who's flying away from you. It'll be visible until it isn't...then it's just a nice memory. Rest assured it's all worth it. You'll make some real screwups with some...and scratch your head a bit as to 'what you were thinking'...(or what were you thinking WITH)...but as I said...in time the hurt and pain will not even exist and all you'll see is her. For now though...if I could advise you (and again there isn't much you can change at this point)...I'd say that if you have a girlfriend...and she wants you to take her to the prom...DO IT! Taking your best friend whom you had some crush on isn't gonna result in anything...and while things will STILL no doubt work out as they do...it's going to be one of those things you wished you could change.
3: Your family is going to survive through tragedy and loss. Billy at this point...your Grandmother is sick and you know in your heart her time is short. Know that you're right...time IS short and she's going to go soon. However know that this Christmas; though her last...will stay with you (and I) for the rest of your life. Your good memory will absorb most of the night and you'll keep it close to your heart for the foreseeable future. She will go soon after and it IS going to devastate you. You'll get your goodbye...and a special something else but when she goes early next year...it will hurt. Her death will be peaceful and you will be strong enough to do as she requested of you and stay away the night she goes...and while you may wonder if you made the right choice...know this...you did and you will. The process of healing when she's gone will be everything it can but even so it's going to take you about 8 months before you even PROCESS what happened...and when you do it will still take a few years to understand. The problem you need to be ready for is more loss is coming. It won't be long until Great Granny goes and after that...Gramp will go suddenly. I dont' need to tell you to love on them...you will do that already...and while you won't get to say goodbye to Gramp the way you did Gram...you're going to realize that that is how he was and how he would probably have wanted it to go. Your other Grandmother is going to become someone you get close to...in her later years. She's going to marry Carl...and he's going to make her very happy over the next 20 years...and though you won't take every opportunity to be with her...you'll have no regrets about time lost and when she passes...it may be something that unifies your father's family. Billy your family is going to be a source of great strength to you over your coming years. A few of your cousins are going to become very good friends to you...and when you're older it will mean everything.
Finally Billy...happiness will NOT elude you. Your life will not be perfect...it's going to be tough at times. It's going to knock you down and more than once you're gonna wanna quit it all and retreat BACK into your head...or physically from life. You won't though. When you're at your weakest...someone is going to come to you and stay closer than a brother. Your Lord is still with you...you'll walk away from Him for a time. I know that's hard to believe...and you're going to be surprised when it happens (as it happens slowly)...but know this that though you walk away from Him...He will not walk away from you. Your WORST night to come...(I believe one of your last gasps truly) is going to result in an amazing event for you. You won't realize it when it comes...but I will realize it for you later.
Know this..I am you. You're not REALLY gone. All your pain...fears...laughs...feelings...friends and events of your life will transfer into me when the time is right. It's a long process but once completed...you become a great resource in helping me see the world through your eyes. As long as I live...you will too. Your demise just means you won't be the focal point of our life anymore. You existed much like a caterpillar does to the butterfly. You served to allow ME to see the world through a certain perspective. That perspective lends itself to continuing MY development. Thanks to all the pain and hurt you went through...the pain and hurt I endure isn't so tough now. It was all worth it.
So keep going Billy...in time things will get better. Your life will fold into mine and allow me to take US to new heights. You become a good man Billy...and your demise was never in vain.
Thanks for reading;
Will Benson
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