A chance to repay a dept...a blog about my Dad.

A pic of the family when he came home.

             

It’s weird.  Growing up it’s hard to understand just how much our parents do for us. I’m only saying this generally of course.  There are some parents who may not have been able or willing to be so generous to their family or children with their time or resources so if that previous statement ‘hit’ you…please know that isn’t my intent. 

In my case however I can only say that my parents DID do as much as they could.  It wasn’t that we were ‘rich’ but my father had (and still has) one of the strongest work ethics of any man I have or will ever know.  He worked hard for his family.  My mother as well.  She made her education a priority for some years and then worked until her arthritis made it impossible.  While I won’t go so far as to say my sister and I didn’t ‘want’ for anything  and keeping up with the ‘joneses’ wasn’t something we vvalued…my parents never failed to meet our NEEDS. 

It was that way all the way through my teen years and even early 20’s.  I stayed at home with my parents except for going to college and a short-lived apartment in the late 90’s I shared with some friends. I lived with my family until I got married. For the most part I too was working during those years. In the late 90’s and early 2000’s I worked pretty much in retail. Moving up through the ‘ranks’ of Eastview Mall until I got a store manager position in 99.  I worked one holiday season as the manager of one of those candle kiosks.  I absolutely hated it.  The personnel ‘drama’, having to work whenever I couldn’t get someone there and overall just felt like I missed the whole holiday season.  I knew I didn’t want to work retail and so moved into IT thanks to a friend of mine who got me a job as a telemarketer where I learned I had a head for IT and worked that field pretty much since the turn of the century. 

Even after my divorce…I moved home early on and was there spending time with my mother and father.  I hated it as a 38 year old, but when Mom was diagnosed I found it a true blessing that I got that extra time. 

However one thing that didn’t happen all those years I was living with my parents was rent. Some of it was due to my Mom knowing I was significantly underemployed…but a lot of it was my own fault really.  I had little idea on how to manage money or how important it was that I ‘grow up’ and realize there is value in paying my way.  

When I was a child…I thought as a child.. 

Scripture is good. I realize now that that verse isn’t referring to anything as literal or easily interpreted as a chronological number….but a mindset. No matter how old I was…I think a part of me liked being thought of as a dependent. Someone who wasn’t responsible for his own actions, choices or ‘lot in life’.  It was someone else’s fault if I wasn’t where I wanted to be and someone else who’d have to stand up if things went sideways.  I wasn’t expected to be ‘in charge’ and in a lot of ways that suited me because I think I was afraid. It comforts me to think it was just my fear.  Fear of being responsible for myself and those around me.  That since the ‘buck’ didn’t stop with me I wasn’t the one who failed in the event of catastrophe.

I was a child. 

It was only in my first marriage that I saw that. I started to realize how stupid that was. How many blessings I may have missed by being a child. 

I was a moron. 

Even after my divorce started…when I moved back with my parents and was significantly underemployed…I found myself going back into the old habits.  I give myself some grace on that now though.  I realize that my separation and pending divorce was a trauma and going back to being ‘Bill and Sally’s son” was a part of my healing. 

When I got back into my career after my mother passed…and I was living with Dad I started to turn a corner. Assisting with rent etc. That first year after my mother’s passing however was a unique time. My Dad while dealing was still a raw nerve. The loss of my mother was still palpable. I found myself moving into more of someone who was more concerned with his Dad than himself. I still couldn’t afford rent alone but I helped more and was struggling to see his grief play out in the ‘rut’ he was in. 9 months later when he came to me after losing his brother and said he wanted to go to Arizona…I was sad that he was leaving but not surprised. In fact my mother had prepared me for that possibility in one of our conversations during her final weeks. So we got to work prepping his move and in August of 2014 we drove to Arizona and then I flew home after helping his get settled. 

In the years since I had to come to the realization that I was probably going to see my father only a handful of times before his inevitable passing.  As I continued on my growth journey after the traumas of 2012-14 and finding my purpose (and love) again with Wendy, I realized how incredibly selfish and childish I’d been and to be honest was pretty upset with myself. 

Thinking that Dad would spend the rest of his life primarily in Arizona while I had a family here was tough. Realizing how immature I’d been to let him carry me as an adult and that I. could never pay back that ‘debt’ was hard. His moving to Arizona also had the impact of making me realize that I loved my father very much and that in all honesty he’s probably the best man I’ve ever met and pretty much my hero.  I felt like not only a debt of immaturity had accued…but that I’d miss the chance to build a more ‘real’ relationship with my Dad and that was a debt in and of itself. One I owed myself.

So I did what I could.

Dad’s yearly visits were the ‘highlight’ of every year.  I made sure to take time off of my job to make sure I could spend every moment I could making new memories.  We talked as equals and as father and son and our relationship grew.  Weekly phone calls, text messages and just taking an interest in his life. 

While it was great…I still struggled.   While I relished every yearly visit, I was usually his ‘last stop’…meaning it was me taking him to the airport to say goodbye etc. Every year I had to say goodbye to him for what could have been the last time.  

I resigned myself to that. The idea that my Dad was going to be here and possibly my last interaction with him would have to be through some electronic means and not in person. That his day to day was going to be an abstract to me and while I was grateful that he found life again after my mother…I was selfishly upset with myself for squandering years. 

Then a call came in about two months ago.

Let me set that call up.  Earlier this year I’d gone to see my Dad. Work had enabled me to be able to go to Arizona on two separate occasions relatively inexpensively and on those visits I’d started to notice some things. A sadness really. I won’t get into specifics…but it was obvious on those visits that things had changed in Arizona for Dad.  He wasn't happy...and that frankly annoyed me.

So when he called me back in April and asked about the option of perhaps coming back to upstate NY and living primarily with me and my family, while I was surprised it wasn’t totally unexpected. A plan was made and he took care of business there while we prepared to welcome him back here. 

As I did in 2014 it was decided I’d fly one way and drive the other keeping him company. I flew to Arizona and we loaded a truck and began the trek back home.  

I’ve found myself thinking both during that trip and in the weeks since…I’m grateful.

While I’d never wish for the changes my Dad has had to make to happen to him…I can’t help feeling that I may be able to begin the process of ‘wiping some of that red’ out of my ledger. 

I decided to be a help however I can. To enable him to do whatever he wants. To do for him what he did for me all those years ago. To take care of my Dad and whatever he needs. 

Not only that…but I have also made sure to make time to spend with him.  I have my Dad back. He’s not 2500 miles away anymore and I’m so excited that I get to be a part of his day to day life as long as he lets me.  I introduced him to the Office (he’s up to Michael’s leaving…so not sure how much he’ll thank me for that moving forward), we’re playing Madden almost daily or the PGA golf game on my PS5.  We start talking about trying to play music or at least just pick around when he’s ready.  We’re setting up the basement of my mother in law’s as kind of a shared resource for him and I to work and recreate in and we’re talking. I know a lot about his life now and he knows mine. 

My wife and he are becoming fast family…and he’s really great with both my bonus sons and my mother in law and Aunt who also live on the property.

In short…this is a great time. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of his life again and for the chance to show him what a great job he did raising me as I’m sure he had to wonder at times. 

I love you Dad…see ya soon (I’m writing this 25000 feet in the air while on my way to Chicago and found out that we have no internet.)

 

Thanks for Reading