A 2018 year in review...
So it's my last day as a 44 year old and as I did last year thought I'd relate my thoughts.
- Just as last year...the last 365 days I've become more a part of this amazing family. All my life I've wanted to be a Dad...and while I've been calling myself a 'pseudo custodial adult' since I got here in 2015...this year I truly called myself "bonus Dad". Nicholasn and Sandra along with Wendy and I make a great unit really dedicated to these kids. I call them my kids...and I hope to God they understand that doesn't mean I'm trying to replace anyone...but just that the love and true hope I have for them would be what I'd have for any blood child I could have had. This family that God has blessed me with has been an amazing part of my life and I can't wait to make it official this year.
- I've now been engaged almost a full year to the best partner anyone could hope for. It's not totally easy all the time. We're not some pollylanna couple who don't ever fight or struggle. In truth it's a very real relationship with failures and successes. We struggle sometimes as while we both have some amazing things in common including history and friends...we come from two different worlds and two different experiences. Sometimes it's the biggest one...the loss of my Mom. She just doesn't know how to handle that sometimes...and to be honest ...I'm glad. Through whatever though...we always come together and find our way through, that we talk through the problems...find solutions together and don't leave things unsaid is why we work. She is truly the best friend I've ever had and I'm so damned lucky to have found this woman. The hope and plan is for us to get married this summer after Nicholas graduates and before Isabelle starts her senior year. I've never been so excited for an event in my life.
- The holidays are wonderful still. No time of year brings me closer to my Mom and her memory than now . From the traditions of shopping at the last moment, wrapping while watching Miracle on 34th Street, the shrimp we are having tonight and even the birthday. I mentioned how it's hard on Wendy and I know it is. Not only did Christmas get shafted because we have to deal with my birthday and the shadow of two amazing women who made this time of year so special for a kid who kinda got hosed having everything in one day. We've started our own traditions. We celebrate my birthday on Christmas eve now so that the kids have memories of their holidays without my birthday mucking it up. What I feel bad for is that because Mom's birthday is the day before Wendy's...she sometimes feels like I'm sad. It's hard to describe. After five years...it's not sadness anymore so much as (I believe) remembering her at these times...it keeps her alive somehow. I hope this year however to find a way to make it seem less melancholy.
- My Dad moving on has been such a blessing. Meeting Carole this year was a highlight and a true delight. To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie. Having a new "bonus mom" and Dad having a new wife...I wasn't sure right away how to thread the needle of honoring my Dad and his Bride while being loyal to the memory of my Mom. This is where Wendy is just the most amazing woman again. She helped me see that my Mom would so want this for my Dad and for Betty and I. She's not a replacement...and while I can see echos of the personality of my Mom (my Dad DOES have a type after all)...the things that are differences...are things I think my Dad wished my Mom could have in some way improved on. I call her Mama C sometimes...or just Ma. I did it naturally and thankfully it's stuck. I truly love her for who she is and what she's done for my Dad. She's saved his life in a very real way and I'm so thankful for God putting it on my Dad to go there. It's hard...I feel sometimes like I am not a part of his life anymore...but I'd rather feel that sadness at missing out on his big things...than the sadness from seeing his name carved somewhere and missing him on Sept 14. I love you Pop and Ma. I can't wait to see you this summer (hint hint)
- Professionally speaking I'm happier than I've been in some time. I tried moving to another company...and it failed fantastically. Some of the fault is my own for not listening to my gut during the interview...but I really think I needed to do something to realize how important what I do is. I'm really good at Job Corps. The IT Manager position is feast or famine. Sometimes I have too much work...and others I'd give anything for something to need my attention. As far as IT work itself...it can leave me a bit longing for more tech work to do. However...where this job makes me happy is the students and the team I work with. These students and the changes that happen in their lives is something I'm SO blessed to be able to see. Starting the Magic Club this year and reaching out to the students at Glenmont who may feel disenfranchised because they don't do lay-ups or maybe are a little socially awkward has made me feel amazing. I couldn't let this letter go without sending a big thank you to my center director Erin Campbell Ferguson and my direct boss Peter Gardiner. Knowing I have their full confidence makes me feel so secure in my job and it's allowed me to make this job my own. I get to provide for my family...and make a real difference. I can't say thank you enough.
Finally what I'd like to accomplish this year. I'd like to really get back to church. Wendy and I were starting to plug in to a really great church out here...but then she got sick and stayed sick for most of the summer and fall. We need to get back. It's important to me. My faith is still strong but real fellowship has eluded me in a lot of ways. I just don't have the men I used to have back home and I miss that. My prayer is that gets fixed this year. I'd like to also get a handle on my finances. I do owe some money to student loans still, my Dad and other family etc. I need to get a handle on that. Living paycheck to paycheck makes that hard...but I think Wendy and I are moving in a good direction. I want to spend new years eve 2019 married with my bride. Getting hitched this year is my number 1 priority after finding a church home. I'd also like to continue to learn how to be a parental role model to these kids. It's a daunting task because I sometimes say or do stupid things usually to try and make someone laugh...and that's not terrible but I really hope I make a good role model for people.
So that's my year end letter. A bit long. We're gonna be spending new years with some great college friends and some real time with my Sister and some high school friends in Canandaigua the night before. Tomorrow we get the kids and I can't be more excited. Merry Christmas to all of you my friends and family. I love each of you and hope this is the best year yet.
Thank you for reading.
- Just as last year...the last 365 days I've become more a part of this amazing family. All my life I've wanted to be a Dad...and while I've been calling myself a 'pseudo custodial adult' since I got here in 2015...this year I truly called myself "bonus Dad". Nicholasn and Sandra along with Wendy and I make a great unit really dedicated to these kids. I call them my kids...and I hope to God they understand that doesn't mean I'm trying to replace anyone...but just that the love and true hope I have for them would be what I'd have for any blood child I could have had. This family that God has blessed me with has been an amazing part of my life and I can't wait to make it official this year.
- I've now been engaged almost a full year to the best partner anyone could hope for. It's not totally easy all the time. We're not some pollylanna couple who don't ever fight or struggle. In truth it's a very real relationship with failures and successes. We struggle sometimes as while we both have some amazing things in common including history and friends...we come from two different worlds and two different experiences. Sometimes it's the biggest one...the loss of my Mom. She just doesn't know how to handle that sometimes...and to be honest ...I'm glad. Through whatever though...we always come together and find our way through, that we talk through the problems...find solutions together and don't leave things unsaid is why we work. She is truly the best friend I've ever had and I'm so damned lucky to have found this woman. The hope and plan is for us to get married this summer after Nicholas graduates and before Isabelle starts her senior year. I've never been so excited for an event in my life.
- The holidays are wonderful still. No time of year brings me closer to my Mom and her memory than now . From the traditions of shopping at the last moment, wrapping while watching Miracle on 34th Street, the shrimp we are having tonight and even the birthday. I mentioned how it's hard on Wendy and I know it is. Not only did Christmas get shafted because we have to deal with my birthday and the shadow of two amazing women who made this time of year so special for a kid who kinda got hosed having everything in one day. We've started our own traditions. We celebrate my birthday on Christmas eve now so that the kids have memories of their holidays without my birthday mucking it up. What I feel bad for is that because Mom's birthday is the day before Wendy's...she sometimes feels like I'm sad. It's hard to describe. After five years...it's not sadness anymore so much as (I believe) remembering her at these times...it keeps her alive somehow. I hope this year however to find a way to make it seem less melancholy.
- My Dad moving on has been such a blessing. Meeting Carole this year was a highlight and a true delight. To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie. Having a new "bonus mom" and Dad having a new wife...I wasn't sure right away how to thread the needle of honoring my Dad and his Bride while being loyal to the memory of my Mom. This is where Wendy is just the most amazing woman again. She helped me see that my Mom would so want this for my Dad and for Betty and I. She's not a replacement...and while I can see echos of the personality of my Mom (my Dad DOES have a type after all)...the things that are differences...are things I think my Dad wished my Mom could have in some way improved on. I call her Mama C sometimes...or just Ma. I did it naturally and thankfully it's stuck. I truly love her for who she is and what she's done for my Dad. She's saved his life in a very real way and I'm so thankful for God putting it on my Dad to go there. It's hard...I feel sometimes like I am not a part of his life anymore...but I'd rather feel that sadness at missing out on his big things...than the sadness from seeing his name carved somewhere and missing him on Sept 14. I love you Pop and Ma. I can't wait to see you this summer (hint hint)
- Professionally speaking I'm happier than I've been in some time. I tried moving to another company...and it failed fantastically. Some of the fault is my own for not listening to my gut during the interview...but I really think I needed to do something to realize how important what I do is. I'm really good at Job Corps. The IT Manager position is feast or famine. Sometimes I have too much work...and others I'd give anything for something to need my attention. As far as IT work itself...it can leave me a bit longing for more tech work to do. However...where this job makes me happy is the students and the team I work with. These students and the changes that happen in their lives is something I'm SO blessed to be able to see. Starting the Magic Club this year and reaching out to the students at Glenmont who may feel disenfranchised because they don't do lay-ups or maybe are a little socially awkward has made me feel amazing. I couldn't let this letter go without sending a big thank you to my center director Erin Campbell Ferguson and my direct boss Peter Gardiner. Knowing I have their full confidence makes me feel so secure in my job and it's allowed me to make this job my own. I get to provide for my family...and make a real difference. I can't say thank you enough.
Finally what I'd like to accomplish this year. I'd like to really get back to church. Wendy and I were starting to plug in to a really great church out here...but then she got sick and stayed sick for most of the summer and fall. We need to get back. It's important to me. My faith is still strong but real fellowship has eluded me in a lot of ways. I just don't have the men I used to have back home and I miss that. My prayer is that gets fixed this year. I'd like to also get a handle on my finances. I do owe some money to student loans still, my Dad and other family etc. I need to get a handle on that. Living paycheck to paycheck makes that hard...but I think Wendy and I are moving in a good direction. I want to spend new years eve 2019 married with my bride. Getting hitched this year is my number 1 priority after finding a church home. I'd also like to continue to learn how to be a parental role model to these kids. It's a daunting task because I sometimes say or do stupid things usually to try and make someone laugh...and that's not terrible but I really hope I make a good role model for people.
So that's my year end letter. A bit long. We're gonna be spending new years with some great college friends and some real time with my Sister and some high school friends in Canandaigua the night before. Tomorrow we get the kids and I can't be more excited. Merry Christmas to all of you my friends and family. I love each of you and hope this is the best year yet.
Thank you for reading.
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