The One Year Anniversary Blog...(Subtitle...You SO knew this was coming.)

I was going to start this with a take on the Barenaked Ladies tune “One Week”…and then realized that while my tongue-in-cheek humor serves me well in times of extreme stress and anxiety…that there are times when it’s ok to FEEL the pain and the hurt and that there is value in it (with conditions)…so instead I open with this thought…

 
God I miss you Mom.

 

This past year…what a whirlwind. Every day seemed to stretch and fly at the same time like the space/time continuum was thumbing its nose at us. 

 

Her death at 11:04 seemed to be a watershed moment for me and mine.  Like the night of February 11, 2012 for me…2/16/02, 1/19/1991 and others.  A day I’ll remember always…that was normal until something extraordinary occurred that would forever shape the days that followed.  I’m changed of course by it…and comforted by it.

 

I look at the recent events surrounding the death of Robin Williams...and how his children are feeling the same pain and loss that I am.  I realize…that this loss.  The loss of a parent…it is universal.  Even in the most dysfunctional of households…where the parents treat their kids like crap…there is an unspoken desire or need to bond with those who brought us INTO this world.  It’s why when a parent is abusive or cruel…it hurts so deeply and resonates so far.  It’s an unnatural thing.

 

It’s why I feel blessed to have been Sally Lee (Short) Benson’s son. At no point in the 39 years of time that I spent with her did I ever feel anything from her but love, affection and a true desire to see me succeed.  She may not have been the stereotypical ‘best mother ever’…but she was the best mother for me.   

 

In a lot of ways I find I’ve lost my biggest fan.  Even during my marriage…my Mom loved me in a way that no one else ever can.  I made the joke during her eulogy (and actually meant it)…that if I somehow killed someone…my mother would be the one to help me hide the body, come up with an alibi and then tell me that no doubt it was the other person’s fault.  I know how much it tore her up to see me hurting so much the last year and a half of her life.  In some ways I tried like crazy to hide it…but it didn’t matter.  My Mom knew me better than anyone.

 

This anniversary…is the only one I feel led to commemorate with any sort of ‘event’.  I’m doing it because…it’s the end of the ‘year of firsts’…starting tomorrow morning…it will be the second August 14th that we’ve seen without her in it.  I feel that that notion…the idea that the year of firsts is over…is worth celebrating…or at least…acknowledging.  In fact..I’ve been quietly honoring my Mom for the past year.  On my Facebook…some have noticed…every ‘profile’ pic since August has contained me and my Mom in some form or another.  It was something conscious I decided to do in late August last year when I went to change my profile.  I said “I’ll keep her up but with me until next year”.  It’s been my quiet little tip of the hat…a sort of ‘black armband’ around my virtual bicep that says “I am still mourning…but in a good way”.  Tomorrow…I figure I”ll put up a more recent pic of me and see what happens.  This really is the first time I’ve given more than an iota of a braincell thought to something on my Facebook.

 

There’s so much I want to say…but the words are escaping me.  I’m not overwhelmed by grief.  Like I said above…pain and hurt are ok to feel…so long as you don’t find yourself STUCK in the pain and hurt.  Letting it overwhelm and control the way I see the world.  It’s not ok for me to do that.  It needs to be something worked through because…at the end of the day…this is VERY natural.  I exist so that my mother and father can pass.  We know from childhood we’re mortal…and the only way to physically continue to exist here…is in the lineage of our descendants.  I exist so my parents can pass.  That actually does bring me comfort in these days.

 

So now I sit…somewhat sad…but blessed as well to have known her. 

 

I’m thankful for all the well-wishes of the past year.  You all are amazing people in my life and I’m blessed to have you.  Please know that every card was read and every message thought of.  Thank you so much.

 

I know that this anniversary isn’t the end.  It’s going to be a long 50 years for me.  However…I want to be genuine and happy for the rest of my life.  It sucks she’s not here…but I know she’s proud…as again…I could never have let her down.

 

Thanks for reading;

 

 

 

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