Thankful...still and always...
Its November...the week of Thanksgiving.
With each day we get closer to the holidays...and while I was doing 'ok' for awhile with the loss of my Mom (As much as one CAN be anyway...) I find myself thinking more and more about what the coming days will bring and mean.
If anyone had a reason NOT to be thankful for the events of the past year...(hell the past two)...it'd be me. I've lost the two most important women in my family in the past 730 days. I've been between four jobs...and had countless heartbreaks pains and hurts. I've seen my family go through similar traumas...cousins dealing with things NOONE should have to deal with, aunts and uncles get sick. My father dealing with the single greatest pain I think he'll ever face (I hope)...there's SO much to be miserable about.
And yet...
I'm not. Not in the slightest.
I'm still thanking God...I'm still thankful for this great life. That he took time at some point just about 40 years ago to put together a William R. Benson Jr. Put me in my Mommy's belly and gave me the single greatest family and life I could ever have imagined.
I'm thankful that I got to know and experience who my parents are. To see them struggle for years through their marriage. Through money issues, parenting issues. issues of losing their parents, career changes, moving around the country at one point, issues with the political structures of both of their families...and through it all...they never ONCE fought in front of Betty and I. We found out later how there were times...where they COULD have packed it in. (Look at the lyrics to Mark Chestnut's "Almost Goodbye"...sometimes I think that that could have been used to describe where they were sometimes I'm sure. ). Then to see how they never let go of Betty and I. How they gave us just enough lead to learn from our mistakes...but they always were ready to help us...so long as we learned the lesson FIRST.
I'm thankful I got to see how my Dad took care of his bride right till the end. To see him struggle with the fatigue (never in front of her...only when he got home) of the daily 14 hour trips to first the hospital, then the nursing home and finally the sleeping in a leather chair nightly her last month when she was home. To see him love my mother right till the last breath. To see the depth of his pain as he lost his partner and how he dealt with it (both good and bad ways) and the way he never lost his dignity or poise. Even now watching him heal every day from this. Finding his way BACK to a sense of normal. Finding the path God has for him now to follow (and there is one Dad...it's NOT over yet...)...it's inspiring as his Son to see my Father make this journey. I'm thankful to be the son of two such great people.
I'm also thankful for the marriage of ten years I had with Deb. This divorce that is now over was hell. Something I never ever wanted to do...something I fought every step of the way until there wasn't anything left to fight for...(In the words of Starbuck in new BSG..."I fight till I can't" was my mantra)...I hate that I was too weak to save this marriage. I believe wholeheartedly that there was some way out...but that we missed it somewhere...and it's something I'll answer for one day I know. However...though the thought of the divorce is something I regret...it no longer consumes me. It's a part of my past...and now I can say I have no regrets about the marriage. I'm blessed to have known and loved Deb...she's a fine person. She and I both will move on from this...and will find our paths. I read my words of 18 months ago from this blog and my journals and I am almost ashamed of the bile and vitriol they contained. Man I was hurt...and I guess rather than being a stereotypical man and using my fists...I decided to use my words to cause pain and heartache. For that I'm sorry. I am thankful though that she was a member of my family for as long as she was. The relationship we had will echo through the rest of my life...like a ripple effect on the water when a stone is dropped in. When it first hits the water the wave is big and moves everything in front of it...but as it makes it way out...it becomes smaller until it's not visible anymore...I'm sure it's still there in some form for a lot longer than we can see it...but the effect becomes almost non-existent. I look forward to seeing how my ripple effect changes the status quo of my life.
I'm thankful as well for the friends I've made throughout my life. As a kid I believed that I was invisible. Someone who just didn't matter. A person tolerated because I had talent (whether it be singing, computers, a complete inability to say no...)...but as I've gotten older; I see how spurious that thinking was. The friends I have...we dont talk or relate every day...but they're there. When Mom passed...the outpouring of people was incredible. I have a friend who said once "You have 900 facebook friends. How is that possible...you can't POSSIBLY know that many people..". I went and looked...and the fact is...that of that list of friends...only maybe 5% are people I've never interacted with in some physical form in some way. I'm someone who has met and known a LOT of people...and apparently I make an impression (notoriously I'm sure...). I'm honored to know each of you. My friends list is hardly a score card of my life (as it is to some I think...) but if nothing else...it reminds me that this world is full of people we meet daily and even if I lose my life tomorrow...I'll know I took the opportunity to make an impression on people when I had the chance. :)
So this Thanksgiving...if you could...spare a thought for me and Dad and Betty, Bernie and the kids. It will be hard. If you knew my mom for five minutes...you know how important Christmas was to her...and this day will start a season that is bittersweet for us all. I'm determined to honor my mother by making sure that this holiday is still joyful...especially for my Niece and Nephew...and for Dad. But if you could say a prayer or spare a thought of good vibration for us...that'd be appreciated.
Thank you all so much for the honor and privilege of knowing each of you and know that you're in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Thanks for reading...
With each day we get closer to the holidays...and while I was doing 'ok' for awhile with the loss of my Mom (As much as one CAN be anyway...) I find myself thinking more and more about what the coming days will bring and mean.
If anyone had a reason NOT to be thankful for the events of the past year...(hell the past two)...it'd be me. I've lost the two most important women in my family in the past 730 days. I've been between four jobs...and had countless heartbreaks pains and hurts. I've seen my family go through similar traumas...cousins dealing with things NOONE should have to deal with, aunts and uncles get sick. My father dealing with the single greatest pain I think he'll ever face (I hope)...there's SO much to be miserable about.
And yet...
I'm not. Not in the slightest.
I'm still thanking God...I'm still thankful for this great life. That he took time at some point just about 40 years ago to put together a William R. Benson Jr. Put me in my Mommy's belly and gave me the single greatest family and life I could ever have imagined.
I'm thankful that I got to know and experience who my parents are. To see them struggle for years through their marriage. Through money issues, parenting issues. issues of losing their parents, career changes, moving around the country at one point, issues with the political structures of both of their families...and through it all...they never ONCE fought in front of Betty and I. We found out later how there were times...where they COULD have packed it in. (Look at the lyrics to Mark Chestnut's "Almost Goodbye"...sometimes I think that that could have been used to describe where they were sometimes I'm sure. ). Then to see how they never let go of Betty and I. How they gave us just enough lead to learn from our mistakes...but they always were ready to help us...so long as we learned the lesson FIRST.
I'm thankful I got to see how my Dad took care of his bride right till the end. To see him struggle with the fatigue (never in front of her...only when he got home) of the daily 14 hour trips to first the hospital, then the nursing home and finally the sleeping in a leather chair nightly her last month when she was home. To see him love my mother right till the last breath. To see the depth of his pain as he lost his partner and how he dealt with it (both good and bad ways) and the way he never lost his dignity or poise. Even now watching him heal every day from this. Finding his way BACK to a sense of normal. Finding the path God has for him now to follow (and there is one Dad...it's NOT over yet...)...it's inspiring as his Son to see my Father make this journey. I'm thankful to be the son of two such great people.
I'm also thankful for the marriage of ten years I had with Deb. This divorce that is now over was hell. Something I never ever wanted to do...something I fought every step of the way until there wasn't anything left to fight for...(In the words of Starbuck in new BSG..."I fight till I can't" was my mantra)...I hate that I was too weak to save this marriage. I believe wholeheartedly that there was some way out...but that we missed it somewhere...and it's something I'll answer for one day I know. However...though the thought of the divorce is something I regret...it no longer consumes me. It's a part of my past...and now I can say I have no regrets about the marriage. I'm blessed to have known and loved Deb...she's a fine person. She and I both will move on from this...and will find our paths. I read my words of 18 months ago from this blog and my journals and I am almost ashamed of the bile and vitriol they contained. Man I was hurt...and I guess rather than being a stereotypical man and using my fists...I decided to use my words to cause pain and heartache. For that I'm sorry. I am thankful though that she was a member of my family for as long as she was. The relationship we had will echo through the rest of my life...like a ripple effect on the water when a stone is dropped in. When it first hits the water the wave is big and moves everything in front of it...but as it makes it way out...it becomes smaller until it's not visible anymore...I'm sure it's still there in some form for a lot longer than we can see it...but the effect becomes almost non-existent. I look forward to seeing how my ripple effect changes the status quo of my life.
I'm thankful as well for the friends I've made throughout my life. As a kid I believed that I was invisible. Someone who just didn't matter. A person tolerated because I had talent (whether it be singing, computers, a complete inability to say no...)...but as I've gotten older; I see how spurious that thinking was. The friends I have...we dont talk or relate every day...but they're there. When Mom passed...the outpouring of people was incredible. I have a friend who said once "You have 900 facebook friends. How is that possible...you can't POSSIBLY know that many people..". I went and looked...and the fact is...that of that list of friends...only maybe 5% are people I've never interacted with in some physical form in some way. I'm someone who has met and known a LOT of people...and apparently I make an impression (notoriously I'm sure...). I'm honored to know each of you. My friends list is hardly a score card of my life (as it is to some I think...) but if nothing else...it reminds me that this world is full of people we meet daily and even if I lose my life tomorrow...I'll know I took the opportunity to make an impression on people when I had the chance. :)
So this Thanksgiving...if you could...spare a thought for me and Dad and Betty, Bernie and the kids. It will be hard. If you knew my mom for five minutes...you know how important Christmas was to her...and this day will start a season that is bittersweet for us all. I'm determined to honor my mother by making sure that this holiday is still joyful...especially for my Niece and Nephew...and for Dad. But if you could say a prayer or spare a thought of good vibration for us...that'd be appreciated.
Thank you all so much for the honor and privilege of knowing each of you and know that you're in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Thanks for reading...
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