Mawwaige...Mawwaige is what bwings us...together...everyday.
Let me start by saying I hope I don't offend anyone with this one...but some stuff has been coming down the pipe with dear friends and family around me...and I just had to write about it.
Within the last 7 days...three married couples I know and care about (two I was related to (one on each side of my family actually) and one couple whom I knew from church) seperated.
This isn't a condemnation blog upon any of them. Their reasons I'm sure are valid to them...they may be legitimate to others who form such opinions. I can't really say. I only know peripheral information and to be honest...I don't need to know the hairy details. The issues matter to them and only them...I'm just heartbroken.
In two of the marriages children are involved...but I can't help thinking that in all three relationships...children may be partially to blame for the breakdown. At least as far as the maturity level of one or both the people involved.
There's no big secret that our generation is one of the first to come along without a defining moment. For our great grandparents it was the big war and the depression...for our grandparents it was the other big war...followed by the rise of communism. For our parents...it was Vietnam, and the walk on the moon. For our generation...we had MTV, Fall of Communism, Challenger, and 9-11. All of those events however...didn't have the impact that WW1, WW2, or the depression had on our ancestor's society. We're too busy now...with too many distractions to really be able to process events and make the right call before something else comes down our throats. Our media centric society...with our short attention spans and hunger for anything to change what we consider monotony (and what our parents and grandparents considered a life goal) have resulted in a generation I think which can be defined by our own selfish desires and incredibly narcissistic tendencies. We live in a me me me world...and now our society is full of 20-30 something people who are looking out only for themselves and don't understand what sacrifice really is.
Speaking for myself...I was NOT ready to be married in 2002. I was a CODDLED spoiled brat most of my life. I had very little social skills...and I blamed the entire world around me growing up for my own issues. I didn't relate to people because somewhere deep in my soul...I believed I was better than them I think. I didn't need to mingle with other kids...cause I was so far ahead of them (in my own mind of course). It didn't help that I had a big mouth and no muscles with which to fight back when my mouth got me in trouble.
Basically I was a moron.
When I hit Junior High...I started to crave that social interaction...and found myself WAY behind the curve on how to interact with others. I struggled with it all through High School. It wasn't until I got to Oswego and met some REALLY great people who shot straight with me and dared me to be myself and let them like me for who I was. Only then was I secure enough to begin to try and stop focusing on myself.
Thing was...I was still misguided.
That last paragraph had a lot of "I" in it. That's cause back then...I was seriously focused on myself. Women for me became a validation tool...drinking a status symbol...and my voice my entrance to whatever I wanted to do. So even through my early 20's...though I was still growing up and learning what is 'socially acceptable'...I struggled to make REAL connections with people I wasn't related to. What's worse...growing up in High School/Junior High I began to suspect something wrong with me...but since I got back from College I figured it was fixed...so I didn't even BOTHER trying to make myself better because "Hey...I'd grown up so deal with it."
Again...serial Moronity at its finest.
Then I met Deb.
I've often said...Day 1...Date 1...from the minute she stepped out of her green Maxima wearing a Red Sweater, beautiful blonde hair and a tepid smile at wondering what she got herself into as she looked at some big headed semi fatboy playing on his PDA in front of Applebee's; that I knew right away that this woman would become my wife. For me it was love at first site.
For Deb it was (I think) a bit of morbid curiousity at how someone can be SO incredibly inept in social situations at first site. I've often said I intriqued Deb on the first date. But not in that Tom Selleck "what makes this guy tick" sort of intrique...but more like a Jim Carrey "REALLY...what makes THIS guy tick" sort of way.
I've often thought that I won Debi simply because she saw me as some sort of train wreck she couldn't turn away from. Other times I've referred to myself as her 'fixer-upper'...a piece of property she "bought low" to work on in her spare time...hoping someday she'd be able to customize and fix up in such a way that she'd be able to enjoy it in a way that only someone who built their own home can enjoy. Then like a virus I overcame her defenses and infected her heart making it an environment that only I could successfully inhabit.
Of course I now know the truth...that I won her because deep down she knew I'd never leave her...and that even if she didn't consciously know it at the time...a part of her knew that I was capable of becoming the love of her life.
Fast forward to our early years in marriage. Once the ring came on the finger...the governors I put on my behavior came off. I became MORE selfish...more dedicated to everything else BUT Debi. My job, a ministry I was involved with, my extended family. Deb became a woman I took for granted...I figured..."Hey...we're married. It will take MONEY, time, and a court order to get us to part...so I can just be who I am and sorry toots...you gotta deal with it."
Are you seeing a pattern here with how incredibly dumb I was (and probably still am at times)?
Then came October 2003...or what I like to call the "Friday from hell."
We fought one Friday night...or more to the point...started a fight on IM as I was at work Friday afternoon that carried over into a level 10 knockdown dragout intense shouting match when I got home from work...and both of us KNEW this was it. After almost 2 years as a married couple and four years off and on together...we were gonna hit eject. I was gonna move back to Mom's and Deb was gonna call the lawyers. We didn't say it...but we knew. We were done. The argument that day had a finality to it. That we were gonna hit the button that would drop the big bomb from which we couldn't come back. It felt that day like the kind of fight you want to have with your boss the day you know you're going to quit or be fired at the end. Where you just roll out with both barrels every evil and mean thought you have. It's scorch the Earth time. Shock and Awe attack commencing.
Lucky for us...we ran out of time to continue the fight.
See; we had a weekend marriage conference to go to. A month or so before we heard about the conference but the cost was too high so we spoke to those in charge at our church and they graciously offered to help us go. At one point we decided not to go as we both felt it would be wasted...but Deb being sensible said that at least SHE would go because the church's money was involved...and it would be wrong to not at least respect that. She convinced me and so we decided to go and at least show our faces to those we knew. We didn't even really plan to stay past the first session. We thought we'd bail during one of the breaks and then be able to say we gave it a shot. Then (in my mind) I decided we'd come back and I'd pack an overnight bag and go stay at my parent's or my buddy Steve's for the night.
Something happened though that night. We started off putting our 'happy couple' mask on. We pretended that not an hour before we weren't ready to leave...but instead were trying to just 'fix up some areas'. We sat there together...not touching as they welcomed us and explained the weekend. Then the teacher came up.
We listened to this guy talk...and went through the books provided and suddenly our tempers started to cool. We stayed for the whole night. The drive home from the hotel where the conference was at wasn't like the drive there. We weren't talking or relating...but we weren't fighting either. It was idle chit-chat. The kind you have with someone you barely know on an airplane where you share banal stories...but you don't really get too deep. I know for me I was starting to feel pretty bad...and was VERY gunshy to say anything that might bring us back to where we were before the conference.
We slept in our seperate beds that night...but we did pray together and we prayed for God's will to be done with this. We woke up and went back to the conference the next day. Again the car ride was cordial...but again we weren't fighting. We spent the day there together. The projects we were give we took seriously and throughout that day I found my heart warming...and aching. I realized that I was a part of this problem. (Deb realized the same thing). We saw each other for the FIRST time I think that day as who we really were. In that moment...I think we fell in love all over again. We had a date night that night...and in those hours I think our marriage turned the corner from 'on the rocks' to 'on the mend'.
I will say that it hasn't been "Six Flags over Bensons" the past six years...but it has been my most meaningful and amazing relationship on this Earth in my entire life. We still struggle and even got pretty low as late as six months ago. However...I think our faith in God combined a genuine love for each other mixed in with a REAL BIG BAD stubborn streak ingrained in us both has kept us together.
My heart breaks for those around me losing those marriages. I want to shake them...say "Look what God did with me and Deb and I'm WAY more likely to screwup the simplest things in life than you are and I managed to somehow make it work". I know though...that I don't know all the information. My love story is just that...mine. I'm called to be a friend to them. Encourage them and help them. My prayer for all three couples is of course marital restoration for them with their spouse. If not that...then restoration with their spouse in a new relationship (especially for the two couples with children).
It also makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have my wife just that much more. Somehow I realized last night...I hit the lottery. The odds were (and are) stacked WAY against me. It's like if I was playing Texas Hold'Em and I'm calling an All-In at the flop holding a 2-7 off suit heads up against Big-Slick and only seeing 1 7 flop with an Ace King on the board and just praying for that third 7 to show up to win it all. The odds ARE way against me pulling that...but I got a 'feeling'.
When I look at the pictures of my wife in my office...I realize that if the same opportunity comes again...I'll do it all again cause she's worth it every time.
Thanks for reading;
Within the last 7 days...three married couples I know and care about (two I was related to (one on each side of my family actually) and one couple whom I knew from church) seperated.
This isn't a condemnation blog upon any of them. Their reasons I'm sure are valid to them...they may be legitimate to others who form such opinions. I can't really say. I only know peripheral information and to be honest...I don't need to know the hairy details. The issues matter to them and only them...I'm just heartbroken.
In two of the marriages children are involved...but I can't help thinking that in all three relationships...children may be partially to blame for the breakdown. At least as far as the maturity level of one or both the people involved.
There's no big secret that our generation is one of the first to come along without a defining moment. For our great grandparents it was the big war and the depression...for our grandparents it was the other big war...followed by the rise of communism. For our parents...it was Vietnam, and the walk on the moon. For our generation...we had MTV, Fall of Communism, Challenger, and 9-11. All of those events however...didn't have the impact that WW1, WW2, or the depression had on our ancestor's society. We're too busy now...with too many distractions to really be able to process events and make the right call before something else comes down our throats. Our media centric society...with our short attention spans and hunger for anything to change what we consider monotony (and what our parents and grandparents considered a life goal) have resulted in a generation I think which can be defined by our own selfish desires and incredibly narcissistic tendencies. We live in a me me me world...and now our society is full of 20-30 something people who are looking out only for themselves and don't understand what sacrifice really is.
Speaking for myself...I was NOT ready to be married in 2002. I was a CODDLED spoiled brat most of my life. I had very little social skills...and I blamed the entire world around me growing up for my own issues. I didn't relate to people because somewhere deep in my soul...I believed I was better than them I think. I didn't need to mingle with other kids...cause I was so far ahead of them (in my own mind of course). It didn't help that I had a big mouth and no muscles with which to fight back when my mouth got me in trouble.
Basically I was a moron.
When I hit Junior High...I started to crave that social interaction...and found myself WAY behind the curve on how to interact with others. I struggled with it all through High School. It wasn't until I got to Oswego and met some REALLY great people who shot straight with me and dared me to be myself and let them like me for who I was. Only then was I secure enough to begin to try and stop focusing on myself.
Thing was...I was still misguided.
That last paragraph had a lot of "I" in it. That's cause back then...I was seriously focused on myself. Women for me became a validation tool...drinking a status symbol...and my voice my entrance to whatever I wanted to do. So even through my early 20's...though I was still growing up and learning what is 'socially acceptable'...I struggled to make REAL connections with people I wasn't related to. What's worse...growing up in High School/Junior High I began to suspect something wrong with me...but since I got back from College I figured it was fixed...so I didn't even BOTHER trying to make myself better because "Hey...I'd grown up so deal with it."
Again...serial Moronity at its finest.
Then I met Deb.
I've often said...Day 1...Date 1...from the minute she stepped out of her green Maxima wearing a Red Sweater, beautiful blonde hair and a tepid smile at wondering what she got herself into as she looked at some big headed semi fatboy playing on his PDA in front of Applebee's; that I knew right away that this woman would become my wife. For me it was love at first site.
For Deb it was (I think) a bit of morbid curiousity at how someone can be SO incredibly inept in social situations at first site. I've often said I intriqued Deb on the first date. But not in that Tom Selleck "what makes this guy tick" sort of intrique...but more like a Jim Carrey "REALLY...what makes THIS guy tick" sort of way.
I've often thought that I won Debi simply because she saw me as some sort of train wreck she couldn't turn away from. Other times I've referred to myself as her 'fixer-upper'...a piece of property she "bought low" to work on in her spare time...hoping someday she'd be able to customize and fix up in such a way that she'd be able to enjoy it in a way that only someone who built their own home can enjoy. Then like a virus I overcame her defenses and infected her heart making it an environment that only I could successfully inhabit.
Of course I now know the truth...that I won her because deep down she knew I'd never leave her...and that even if she didn't consciously know it at the time...a part of her knew that I was capable of becoming the love of her life.
Fast forward to our early years in marriage. Once the ring came on the finger...the governors I put on my behavior came off. I became MORE selfish...more dedicated to everything else BUT Debi. My job, a ministry I was involved with, my extended family. Deb became a woman I took for granted...I figured..."Hey...we're married. It will take MONEY, time, and a court order to get us to part...so I can just be who I am and sorry toots...you gotta deal with it."
Are you seeing a pattern here with how incredibly dumb I was (and probably still am at times)?
Then came October 2003...or what I like to call the "Friday from hell."
We fought one Friday night...or more to the point...started a fight on IM as I was at work Friday afternoon that carried over into a level 10 knockdown dragout intense shouting match when I got home from work...and both of us KNEW this was it. After almost 2 years as a married couple and four years off and on together...we were gonna hit eject. I was gonna move back to Mom's and Deb was gonna call the lawyers. We didn't say it...but we knew. We were done. The argument that day had a finality to it. That we were gonna hit the button that would drop the big bomb from which we couldn't come back. It felt that day like the kind of fight you want to have with your boss the day you know you're going to quit or be fired at the end. Where you just roll out with both barrels every evil and mean thought you have. It's scorch the Earth time. Shock and Awe attack commencing.
Lucky for us...we ran out of time to continue the fight.
See; we had a weekend marriage conference to go to. A month or so before we heard about the conference but the cost was too high so we spoke to those in charge at our church and they graciously offered to help us go. At one point we decided not to go as we both felt it would be wasted...but Deb being sensible said that at least SHE would go because the church's money was involved...and it would be wrong to not at least respect that. She convinced me and so we decided to go and at least show our faces to those we knew. We didn't even really plan to stay past the first session. We thought we'd bail during one of the breaks and then be able to say we gave it a shot. Then (in my mind) I decided we'd come back and I'd pack an overnight bag and go stay at my parent's or my buddy Steve's for the night.
Something happened though that night. We started off putting our 'happy couple' mask on. We pretended that not an hour before we weren't ready to leave...but instead were trying to just 'fix up some areas'. We sat there together...not touching as they welcomed us and explained the weekend. Then the teacher came up.
We listened to this guy talk...and went through the books provided and suddenly our tempers started to cool. We stayed for the whole night. The drive home from the hotel where the conference was at wasn't like the drive there. We weren't talking or relating...but we weren't fighting either. It was idle chit-chat. The kind you have with someone you barely know on an airplane where you share banal stories...but you don't really get too deep. I know for me I was starting to feel pretty bad...and was VERY gunshy to say anything that might bring us back to where we were before the conference.
We slept in our seperate beds that night...but we did pray together and we prayed for God's will to be done with this. We woke up and went back to the conference the next day. Again the car ride was cordial...but again we weren't fighting. We spent the day there together. The projects we were give we took seriously and throughout that day I found my heart warming...and aching. I realized that I was a part of this problem. (Deb realized the same thing). We saw each other for the FIRST time I think that day as who we really were. In that moment...I think we fell in love all over again. We had a date night that night...and in those hours I think our marriage turned the corner from 'on the rocks' to 'on the mend'.
I will say that it hasn't been "Six Flags over Bensons" the past six years...but it has been my most meaningful and amazing relationship on this Earth in my entire life. We still struggle and even got pretty low as late as six months ago. However...I think our faith in God combined a genuine love for each other mixed in with a REAL BIG BAD stubborn streak ingrained in us both has kept us together.
My heart breaks for those around me losing those marriages. I want to shake them...say "Look what God did with me and Deb and I'm WAY more likely to screwup the simplest things in life than you are and I managed to somehow make it work". I know though...that I don't know all the information. My love story is just that...mine. I'm called to be a friend to them. Encourage them and help them. My prayer for all three couples is of course marital restoration for them with their spouse. If not that...then restoration with their spouse in a new relationship (especially for the two couples with children).
It also makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have my wife just that much more. Somehow I realized last night...I hit the lottery. The odds were (and are) stacked WAY against me. It's like if I was playing Texas Hold'Em and I'm calling an All-In at the flop holding a 2-7 off suit heads up against Big-Slick and only seeing 1 7 flop with an Ace King on the board and just praying for that third 7 to show up to win it all. The odds ARE way against me pulling that...but I got a 'feeling'.
When I look at the pictures of my wife in my office...I realize that if the same opportunity comes again...I'll do it all again cause she's worth it every time.
Thanks for reading;
Comments