Friendship...how did this happen?
I woke up this morning...thankful for my friends.
Such an odd statement coming from me. Especially given how little sometimes I truly know about being or having friends. Yet here I am...thankful for 'em.
Most of my life...I've gone through my days thinking "why can't I have friends?...what's wrong with me?" I've said it before but I was a VERY AWKWARD geeky kid. VERY hard to get to know. I seemed to revel in being unlikable at times. Sure I desired it more than anything...but my actions and outlook seemed to cloud that. I'd make a stupid joke here that could be insulting...I'd ask a stupid question...I'd play dumb for a cheap laugh. I'd throw an insult at someone so then I'd then be backed into a corner where I usually tried to fight my way out (very badly I might add...I was NEVER a good fighter...I got one good one in once...with John Stambach in 7th grade...in Mr. Y's class...he was busting on me...pushes me and I punched him in the face...then Mr. Y comes in before John can retaliate...it went as a win to the people watching...all day I heard...Billy Benson beat up John...to which John then kicked my tail later to redeem his honor.)
When I graduated high school, I reinvented myself in Oswego. The stigma of being Billy Benson was gone...and here I was. On my first night there I was renamed by a girl Will...and I think for me...I wanted ANYTHING that could seperate Billy from me...so I'm Will. This time I thought...it'd be different.
It was...but it wasn't. See...I did MAKE friends. Kari, Waldo, Bill, Laurie, Gabby; even Mike...to start...then others in the music department. Wendy, Jenn, Kate, Noah, Craner, Patti (though we were friends BEFORE college...this is where we really became good friends), John, Kelly etc. For all that though...I was still somewhat an outsider I thought. I still managed to say the stupidest things...make the wrong choices...and I heard a few years later...walked around like my crap didn't stink. All the while I was still blaming THEM...for my issues.
The fact is...I think I drew comfort from being 'unlikable' and 'an outsider'. I didn't know until adulthood...that to have friends I needed to BE one. Yes I was kind to people...and yes I was nice at times...but for all that I didn't know how to be a friend in the good times. See I was always good at crisis friendship. You're having a problem...I'd listen, I'd be there. Stand beside you and hold you up...but because I was soooo insecure...I felt I needed to be the life of the party when I was just hanging out. I was obnoxious...remarkably so. I made inappropriate comments, and thought I was funny. It was a TOTAL defense mechanism...but I couldn't see the damage it was doing.
It's been 20 years...and there are people on my fb page that may remember this...and please don't think I'm not ok now...I am. I share this only as an example of how I may have contributed to something that caused me no end of torment for like 10 years...
Often though I remember a time when I was a junior in High School...doing a show. There was going to be (what I thought was a cast) trip to the circus. Now let me say...I hate the circus. Can't FREAKING stand it. Clowns...they're evil. I know that there is a 8th level of hell reserved for clowns. I see them and I get VERY uncomfortable, and at least one time, somewhat violent. I HATE the circus.
However...this was a chance to spend time with people I thought were friends (and some were). I begged my parents for the money to go, and after some cajooling I got it. I even got permission to use the beast to take em (my old white Monte)...so I paid up on a Wednesday and got jonesed to spend some time with people I really wanted to like and like me. Yet...the day before we were going to go...one of the seniors walked up to me...a dude I respected, and liked...and told me "hey Bill..." and he hands me my 10 bucks back..."Dude...um...I don't know how to say this but there are some people going tomorrow night that really feel like they don't want you to go with us." and then he said something I remember plainly and played in my head for years to follow "You understand right?" I didn't...but I smiled. I made it easy for him (I hope), I tried to renegotiate I think...but there was no wiggle room. I got booted. That night I got a call from of all people...Matt Moon. If I was a Light Side Jedi...Matt was my sith. Two opposite sides of the same coin. I get Matt now...but then him and I tended to use each other I think to increase our social positions in life. Putting the other down in a vain attempt to stay from the bottom of the social totem pole. However that night...he called my room. I remember answering and him saying "Bill it's Matt" and me going "Dude...I haven't got the energy for any junk...whats up?" Surprisingly he told me that what happened was wrong, and he wondered if I had given my parents the money back yet. I told him I was still working up HOW to tell them...I was so danged embarrassed and I didn't want them going off...and he told me to hold onto it. That he and Elena were coming over...to get dressed and meet them downstairs. I tried to get out of it...but they weren't hearing it. 40 minutes later I was in Elena's car with her and Matt and heading to Nichols plaza to the theatre to see "The Doors" and then out to Perkins. The whole night they just were kind to me. The both of them. They told me how sorry they were...that they weren't a part of it...and that those that were were kinda jerks at times...and they wanted me to know that we're cool.
If I coulda gotten my HEAD outta my Butt...I would have used this to show me two things:
1: That I did have friends...
2: How to treat them.
See...I think I enjoyed imagining myself an outsider. That it was soooo romantic. That's bull though. I was an outsider because it was easier. If I didn't believe I had friends...I didn't need to do anything. I didn't need to learn how to care about those around me. I didn't need to grow with them...I could be who I wanted without worrying about cheesing people off. Yet inside...I desired friends so bad...I ended up on a rack of my own making...stretching myself one way and the other. I didn't realize that until college really...but by then...I didn't know how to BE a friend. I was a consumer...not a producer. Lucky for me now...that the friends I made in college were so cool. They taught me more than they know about patience, kindness and acceptance.
In time I grew up. I met my wife...and learned what it is to be a TRUE friend. She is my bestest best friend in the world. Since I met her...I know now what it is to truly be friends with those around me. To serve as well as consume. To laugh, and be myself without worrying about impressing or growing.
Now with Facebook...I see myself talking to those who knew me when. To hear them say it...I wasn't so bad. Which is nice. I do get excited to talk to people now. To hear what's going on with them. To 'make' friends with people that apparently I had made friends with before. I was just too narcissitic to enjoy it really. Now though...I revel in it.
So I woke up today...thankful for my friends. Those I've known 30 years...and those I've known 30 months. You're each very precious to me and I thank God for you.
Thanks for reading...
Such an odd statement coming from me. Especially given how little sometimes I truly know about being or having friends. Yet here I am...thankful for 'em.
Most of my life...I've gone through my days thinking "why can't I have friends?...what's wrong with me?" I've said it before but I was a VERY AWKWARD geeky kid. VERY hard to get to know. I seemed to revel in being unlikable at times. Sure I desired it more than anything...but my actions and outlook seemed to cloud that. I'd make a stupid joke here that could be insulting...I'd ask a stupid question...I'd play dumb for a cheap laugh. I'd throw an insult at someone so then I'd then be backed into a corner where I usually tried to fight my way out (very badly I might add...I was NEVER a good fighter...I got one good one in once...with John Stambach in 7th grade...in Mr. Y's class...he was busting on me...pushes me and I punched him in the face...then Mr. Y comes in before John can retaliate...it went as a win to the people watching...all day I heard...Billy Benson beat up John...to which John then kicked my tail later to redeem his honor.)
When I graduated high school, I reinvented myself in Oswego. The stigma of being Billy Benson was gone...and here I was. On my first night there I was renamed by a girl Will...and I think for me...I wanted ANYTHING that could seperate Billy from me...so I'm Will. This time I thought...it'd be different.
It was...but it wasn't. See...I did MAKE friends. Kari, Waldo, Bill, Laurie, Gabby; even Mike...to start...then others in the music department. Wendy, Jenn, Kate, Noah, Craner, Patti (though we were friends BEFORE college...this is where we really became good friends), John, Kelly etc. For all that though...I was still somewhat an outsider I thought. I still managed to say the stupidest things...make the wrong choices...and I heard a few years later...walked around like my crap didn't stink. All the while I was still blaming THEM...for my issues.
The fact is...I think I drew comfort from being 'unlikable' and 'an outsider'. I didn't know until adulthood...that to have friends I needed to BE one. Yes I was kind to people...and yes I was nice at times...but for all that I didn't know how to be a friend in the good times. See I was always good at crisis friendship. You're having a problem...I'd listen, I'd be there. Stand beside you and hold you up...but because I was soooo insecure...I felt I needed to be the life of the party when I was just hanging out. I was obnoxious...remarkably so. I made inappropriate comments, and thought I was funny. It was a TOTAL defense mechanism...but I couldn't see the damage it was doing.
It's been 20 years...and there are people on my fb page that may remember this...and please don't think I'm not ok now...I am. I share this only as an example of how I may have contributed to something that caused me no end of torment for like 10 years...
Often though I remember a time when I was a junior in High School...doing a show. There was going to be (what I thought was a cast) trip to the circus. Now let me say...I hate the circus. Can't FREAKING stand it. Clowns...they're evil. I know that there is a 8th level of hell reserved for clowns. I see them and I get VERY uncomfortable, and at least one time, somewhat violent. I HATE the circus.
However...this was a chance to spend time with people I thought were friends (and some were). I begged my parents for the money to go, and after some cajooling I got it. I even got permission to use the beast to take em (my old white Monte)...so I paid up on a Wednesday and got jonesed to spend some time with people I really wanted to like and like me. Yet...the day before we were going to go...one of the seniors walked up to me...a dude I respected, and liked...and told me "hey Bill..." and he hands me my 10 bucks back..."Dude...um...I don't know how to say this but there are some people going tomorrow night that really feel like they don't want you to go with us." and then he said something I remember plainly and played in my head for years to follow "You understand right?" I didn't...but I smiled. I made it easy for him (I hope), I tried to renegotiate I think...but there was no wiggle room. I got booted. That night I got a call from of all people...Matt Moon. If I was a Light Side Jedi...Matt was my sith. Two opposite sides of the same coin. I get Matt now...but then him and I tended to use each other I think to increase our social positions in life. Putting the other down in a vain attempt to stay from the bottom of the social totem pole. However that night...he called my room. I remember answering and him saying "Bill it's Matt" and me going "Dude...I haven't got the energy for any junk...whats up?" Surprisingly he told me that what happened was wrong, and he wondered if I had given my parents the money back yet. I told him I was still working up HOW to tell them...I was so danged embarrassed and I didn't want them going off...and he told me to hold onto it. That he and Elena were coming over...to get dressed and meet them downstairs. I tried to get out of it...but they weren't hearing it. 40 minutes later I was in Elena's car with her and Matt and heading to Nichols plaza to the theatre to see "The Doors" and then out to Perkins. The whole night they just were kind to me. The both of them. They told me how sorry they were...that they weren't a part of it...and that those that were were kinda jerks at times...and they wanted me to know that we're cool.
If I coulda gotten my HEAD outta my Butt...I would have used this to show me two things:
1: That I did have friends...
2: How to treat them.
See...I think I enjoyed imagining myself an outsider. That it was soooo romantic. That's bull though. I was an outsider because it was easier. If I didn't believe I had friends...I didn't need to do anything. I didn't need to learn how to care about those around me. I didn't need to grow with them...I could be who I wanted without worrying about cheesing people off. Yet inside...I desired friends so bad...I ended up on a rack of my own making...stretching myself one way and the other. I didn't realize that until college really...but by then...I didn't know how to BE a friend. I was a consumer...not a producer. Lucky for me now...that the friends I made in college were so cool. They taught me more than they know about patience, kindness and acceptance.
In time I grew up. I met my wife...and learned what it is to be a TRUE friend. She is my bestest best friend in the world. Since I met her...I know now what it is to truly be friends with those around me. To serve as well as consume. To laugh, and be myself without worrying about impressing or growing.
Now with Facebook...I see myself talking to those who knew me when. To hear them say it...I wasn't so bad. Which is nice. I do get excited to talk to people now. To hear what's going on with them. To 'make' friends with people that apparently I had made friends with before. I was just too narcissitic to enjoy it really. Now though...I revel in it.
So I woke up today...thankful for my friends. Those I've known 30 years...and those I've known 30 months. You're each very precious to me and I thank God for you.
Thanks for reading...
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