The Loss of a Friend...and the end of an Era.

 

The loss of a friend…the end of an era.

Cancer sucks.

It’s taken so much from me over the years.  From a Grandmother who was the matriarch of our family, to a Mother who I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to.  It took one of my oldest and dearest high school friends who while we would fade in and out of touch…was an important part of my life and growth.

Now it’s taken a good friend. 

Many of you know I often speak of my college years.  It’s spoken with some reverence.  Like Andy Bernard (From the office) when he refers to his “Cornell” buddies.  I get that I’m lame in that regard.  I accept it…because at the end of the day those friends, (hell…I’ll say it…not friends…family) I made 27 years ago when I first stepped into Tyler Hall are the truest desire of a very lonely boy’s extremely broken heart.  Many of you know what my childhood was like.   I was an awkward kid who didn’t get along real well until later in High School.  I was picked on and sometimes rightfully so.  I was weird, and unusual and didn’t have a filter and didn’t know what it meant to REALLY have friends.  Every night I’d go to bed…and I’d just pray to God that somehow…someway I’d have a group of friends.  A place to belong.

I’ve joined a lot of organizations.  I’ve made an impact in a lot of places…but here’s the thing.  Even with Drum Corps, Young Life, Drama, Choirs, Rocky Horror, Joey and Maria’s Comedy Wedding, Various shows, and even some churches…I’ve never really felt like I was supposed to be there.  That I was a part of things.  I realize now that’s my own insecurities and that external of my own incredibly harsh inner monologue that was constantly reminding me that I wasn’t liked so much as serving a purpose or just tolerated with all of those groups…in fact most people consider me a real part of their experiences.  That touches me. 

The exception to this though has always been Oswego. 

From the first day where I got in good with a group of people in my dorm that provided my initial growing pains…making dumb ass mistakes…saying the wrong thing but still a part of things.  To the slower burn of being more involved in Tyler Hall.  My smartest/best choice ever was signing up for Doc Soluri’s Music Theatre Workshop.  It was there in the spring of 93 I met my partner…Wendy.  I became a part of the culture of that department right away.  I was amazed at how inclusive it was. 

I was no picnic even then.  Again I’d say the wrong thing.  Back then if you got me alone, people would be amazed because I could carry on an eloquent and intelligent conversation, be funny and genuine…but the minute you add just two more people to the mix (and my wife literally saw it happen body language wise and called me on it back then more than once…) some switch in my head would go off and all of a sudden I’m (figuratively) putting a lampshade on my head and jumping on the table to make you listen to my impression of Jim Carrey making the most annoying sound in the world thinking that since you laughed at it in a movie you’d find it funny now.  I’d become this hyper insecure person who wanted to be in every conversation I think because for the first time…I felt a part of something and it was like my entire soul was craving the endorphin rush of being validated as a person by people I respected.  So at a party or just sitting in the listening room…I felt this overwhelming urge to impress these people and make them like me.  I couldn’t see how silly and self-defeating that was.

Until one day early on in my college career…a guy came up to me.

I was in the listening room.  I’d been in State Singers and I think he was in choir too for a few semesters…but somehow I’d known Jeff almost since my first semester. 

He was one of the most incredibly warm, genuine and amazing people I ever met.  In a world where everyone I met is someone I respected and wanted to get to know…Jeff was the leader of that list.  Well…top 5.  Again my current wife was probably at the top. 

Jeff came up to me one day between classes.  I’d had a particularly rough morning.  Gotten beat down verbally for saying something stupid and I was sitting at a table drawing and just trying to look like I wasn’t beating myself up inside waiting for my next class.

He sat down across from me and asked what I was drawing.  It was my usual X-Men stuff…and I answered and I think he saw me ‘turn on’ a bit…cause I started talking fast.  (it was something I would do if I was really impacted by something.  Overcompensate so you didn’t know I was really hurting). 

He stopped me.  He was like “Will. It’s cool.”

I looked up at him and he had that Jeff Grin.

He said “Ya know.  I watch you man.  You’re trying SO hard. “

I started to say something and he stopped me again.

“Too hard.  Look we don’t know each other that well…but I can tell you one thing.  You belong here.  You don’t have to impress us.  Just hang out.  Get to know us.  Relax.  Don’t try so hard”. 

This wasn’t a new conversation for me.

You don’t grow up as Billy Benson and not have this conversation. 

I remember being incredibly defensive. I think I told him that “I wasn’t trying.  I don’t get it.  This is me.  This is who I am.  I like to be funny.  I don’t understand why people don’t like me. “  It’s usually what I would say in those situations.

It’s weird.  I can remember vividly this conversation and what HE said.  I still can’t remember what I said really.  Just the impression and emotions I was feeling. 

He gave another Jeff smile.  “OK.  Try something.  After your next class, when you come in for lunch…try being quiet.  Just sit and listen to everyone.  If you want to say something…stop for a second and think really hard about it.  Just be here man.”

I was at first again incredibly offended.  Jesus I’d heard THIS line a bunch of times. 

But it was how he said it.  It was genuine.  Where a lot of the time in these conversations I felt it was someone trying to get me to shut up cause I annoyed them, for the first time I could remember I felt like someone had my best interests at heart…and was trying to be a friend. 

He was telling me to listen. 

I don’t know how successful I was.  I remember actively trying that for awhile I remember sometimes just sitting and telling myself NOT to talk…but like any habit it was hard to create and at times in periods of exhaustion or stress…I’m sure I still verbally vomited over everyone.  Still…when sitting there in that music listening room I started to see what was around me.  I started to APPRECIATE where I was.  I saw people who were so genuine and kind, likable and in our own band dork way…cool.  I learned a lot of the inside jokes.  I learned a new way to eat French fries in a paper bag (Thank you Adam Bischof)…I learned about tapping the bottom of an Orange Juice Bottle which I do to this day (Thank you Jeff Favalo).  I’m sure I still said stupid stuff…but in a weird way I seem to remember becoming more of a ‘fan’ of these people and a friend.  I was invited to things. House parties etc.  I was a part of events and for what I felt like was the first time in my life…I felt included. 

In a way I got everything I’d ever wanted, and that conversation with Jeff had a lot to do with it. 

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this story.  It felt so personal.  I guess I tell it now to showcase what a really great man my friend was.

It was the mid 90’s and of course we lost touch.  However in the early 00’s, we all started reconnecting.  First on MySpace and then Facebook.  By then I’d been married awhile, was actively involved in ministry and Jeff friended me again.  I think though he took one look at my page and got a little nervous.  I was working from home and he started texting me. 

He wanted me to know about him.  How things had changed and that shortly after he left Oswego…he came out.  He said he saw how my faith was strong and he wanted me to know personally and that he understood if that meant we couldn’t talk anymore if I was uncomfortable.  

I was floored.

First…it was obvious to me that he’d been hurt by churches in the past (and he admitted that).  That a lot of ‘church’ people had gone out of their way to condemn him and I think he was worried that someone he considered a friend might be sharpening his pitchfork and that would hurt worse.  I was grieved because I’ve always felt that it’s not MY place as a fleshling to judge ANYONE.  It’s my job to love and show God’s love.  I keep my own counsel on things but I’m not a bigot and I’d certainly never throw away (at that time) 10 years of friendship.

Second…I was touched he asked as he did.  He didn’t come at me from a position of righteousness or anger at the church over how some perceived him.  He genuinely wanted my friendship and for me to be ‘ok’.  Again…I wasn’t used to someone caring THAT much about what I thought.  It was a validation in a lot of ways…and it showed me more than ever what a completely special human being Jeffrey Thomas was. 

I reassured my friend that I loved him.  He’s family and that was the last we ever spoke of it. 

Over the years we’d catch up, talk, hang out online.  Always commenting on each other’s funny posts maybe, looking over things.  Tried to get together when he was up but my life took a few twisty turns.  Last year…when Wendy and I were planning our wedding…one of the first names we thought of was Jeff.  He declined.  We were ok with that…we figured it was too far to travel but he was getting an invite. 

When the pandemic hit, I wanted to do something fun so we started putting together these ‘zoom calls’.  Again Jeff was one of the first people we invited.  He’d pop in occasionally…and then one day a few months ago he ‘came out’ and told everyone on FB he had cancer.  (We were already in the loop on that…but obviously kept it quiet).

He showed up to a few more calls…usually in funny hats or something silly.  He always kept it about us.  If someone brought up the diagnosis (ok..it was me usually.  I won’t lie…I was worried)…he’d be his cool polite self and then graciously change the subject to one of us. 

I think that nails Jeff in an easy buzzword.  Grace.  The man was full of it.  He had this way of picking and playing with people…but he always let them keep his self-respect.  He just had this charisma that drew people to him. 

I’m blessed to have known him.  It’s yet one more blessing to count when I think about the family I made at Oswego.  So many things had to happen in just such a way.  I’ve heard it said by so many that the time when we were there was a special one.  I don’t know if it was how Exline recruited during those years…I don’t know if it was just a result of the time and that Generation X was just cooler.  When I think of how I got there (I followed my junior prom date to college cause I was nursing a monster crush…only to have her become one of my best friends and a true definition of family. ) I can’t help but think that maybe it was God orchestrating us all to be in this one place at this one time.  A serendipitous moment where the right people at the right time in the right place with the right attitudes and the right experiences created something bigger than ourselves. 

It’s almost 30 years later and we still talk regularly.  Not all of us of course.  There’s ‘pockets’ of people that are in more constant contact…but we’re all still tangentially connected to each other.  The news of Jeff’s immediate prognosis resonated like a concentric wave retreating from a rock that just dropped in the water.    When word came down that he was real sick…we all started calling each other.  Making sure we all knew and didn’t find out on Facebook.  We missed some…but it was like when a family member goes into crisis…and the ‘call tree’ starts.  We wanted to make sure everyone knew.

Even after his loss…we’re going to do another Zoom Call.  With the pandemic…an event just likely isn’t going to be able to happen (I’d have love to see some sort of concert or something)…but we all want to be together even if only online.  Saturday night we’re gonna sit in front of our monitors, drink a few pops, and hopefully laugh.  We’re going to try to heal together. 

I’m blessed to have known Jeff Thomas.  I’m blessed to know and be a part of such an amazing community.  It’s special and I really do cherish it. 

It’s hard…because though we did lose one of our own on 9/11…for the most part I don’t’ believe this group of maybe 50-60 musicians have lost anyone.  It’s harder that it was someone whom we all loved.  In a lot of ways…Jeff was the HEART of us.  The nicest, the strongest and the most awesome. 

I miss my friend…and I think I will for some time…but damn I’m glad I knew him. 

Thanks for reading.