This Saturday - My world changes again.
My world has changed.
In five days…I take a step I wasn’t sure I’d ever take again. I’m going to be a husband. A husband to Wendy Adamkoski. The words still don’t make sense in that order to me sometimes. Wendy Adamkoski is marrying me? How did this happen? I still can’t believe it. I’m the most blessed man alive.
When I think about where I was just 7 years ago. The loss of my first marriage, the decline and death of my mother, my Dad leaving to find a new life 2000 miles away, finally me moving out to another area of the state where I knew only a few people (and where I still can’t find a decent wing). It’s still surreal sometimes. My life was surrounded by change for so long that now that things have settled…I find myself wondering when the shoe is going to drop.
I keep telling myself that even if it does…the past 7 years have shown I can deal with it. I have to take the lessons from this time of change…and grow past it.
Losing my first wife hurt. Deep. When it started to collapse, there wasn’t anyone who didn’t see me fighting hard to keep it. I tried everything I could…but there wasn’t any saving it by that point. What I’m taking from that experience is simple. Most don’t know…but about a year or two before the big split there was a point where I probably could have changed the course. We were talking and she was honest about something…only it would have meant making big changes to our life in regards to church and direction. So of course…I tried to bargain. She accepted the bargain…and we never spoke of it again. I guess I thought I was hearing her…but I realize now I didn’t listen to her. I didn’t listen to how she said she was struggling spiritually and feeling unfulfilled with where we were. I was focused on my ministries, my circle of friends I’d cultivated, and on being a part of something bigger without realizing my first duty was to listen to my partner. That is what I’m taking now. I’m going to try very hard to listen to everything Wendy says, whether with words or not. To analyze how she’s saying things and not just what words she’s using…and to make sure I don’t just settle for the answer I hoped to hear. I don’t mind saying…as hard as losing my first wife was…I can’t bear the thought of losing Wendy.
Dealing with divorce is hard…but then to have it followed with Mom’s illness and death. It was very emotionally trying. I made a lot of mistakes in that time. Some were easy to make as I wasn’t healed from the separation and to start losing my Mom was almost overwhelming. It happened so fast. From an Easter where the jaundice was so obvious, to the diagnoses three weeks later, to the operations, to the MRSA/CDiff, to coming home that last month. I remember it all vividly. Losing a family member is always tough…but when it’s your main source of comfort after Trauma, and you’re still mid-trauma…well it puts perspective on things. It would be hard enough…if I didn’t learn from it too. In that time I saw something amazing that I will bring with me into my new marriage. Almost from the day of diagnosis, my Father became some sort of white knight. He took leave from work and from the day she was in the hospital…he never left her side. He would go up at 6AM, like he was leaving for work. Get there and sit in the chair next to her on his laptop. He would be there for every doctor meeting, advocate for her when the overwhelmed nurses were struggling, talk with her, and I’m sure cry with her. He’d stay until visiting hours ended at around 8…then get in his car and come back home. He’d sit in his chair for an hour or two…eat something, then go to bed and do it all again the next day. He did this 7 days a week for three months. When he needed to do laundry…he did it…but had someone there. When we needed to go see Brookie graduate, he had someone there. When we had to go and tell Betty the horrible diagnosis…he had someone there sitting with Mom. He cared for her in a real way. When she returned home for her last month…he still didn’t leave her. I have a very expensive leather recliner gifted to me by my first wife after we split. It was a nice piece of furniture and I loved it. Well…Dad ruined it. He slept in that recliner a month straight. His bed going unslept in. He didn’t want Mom waking up alone. His head sweating on the leather and leaving a mark that will never come out…and one I’m proud to see every day I look at that chair. That mark is a symbol of his dedication to his bride. It's incredible. From that…I’m taking the idea of being there through the worst of it. To put my comfort aside for the woman I love…and to be there. I have no desire to outlive my future bride…but if that’s God’s will…I know I had a good teacher as to how to navigate that particular situation. I pray I’m able to do it.
The pain of the last seven years seems so distant now. It’s tough still sometimes. Not having my Mom here on Saturday will be very tough for me. She’d have loved this day. She’d have loved my bride, my kids, the house, all of it. Her absence is palpable at this and Wendy said it best when she noted “honey…this is the first BIG event for you that she’s not there for”. There have been other events, birthdays for Dad and Betty, the kids etc…but this is the first one for ME. That’s the kicker. I didn’t even get a 40th birthday party because with Mom gone only 7 months…we just wanted to get THROUGH the Holidays and really…celebrating was harder then. Now it isn’t. While I’m missing my Mom…we found a way to honor her Saturday…and I’m sure there will be a few ‘microstorms’ of tears I’ll have. Yet…I’m excited. It’s a happy day. The sun shines again. The birds sing. The world spins. I don’t have to focus on my Mom’s loss because I have so much better things to see. I have a wonderful bride who shows me what being a partner is every day and who loves and LIKES me for who I am and not who she wishes I was. I have three great kids I’m joining who are amazing individuals and who I am such BIG fans of and an extended and cordial relationship with the father and partner of those kids. We have a unique dynamic of four adults focused and dedicated to making sure three humans don’t turn into jerks . I have great in-laws, great friends from college, an incredible job with an incredible calling attached to it to reach the under privileged youth in this state. I have a great Dad who has met a new partner that complements him in ways my own Mom didn’t and who’s made him happy again. She’s also pretty great in her own right. I have my sister and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew who are finding their way and I have God.
This week marks the end of a tumultuous time for me. I’m not saying the next seven years will be rosy. In my heart I know there will be struggles and change and probably loss. It’s the price I think we pay for getting older. However having the family God has directed me to, the wife and kids I’ve been asked to be a part of inspires me to face these times with a smile on my face, and probably some off-color joke that will piss off at least two people in the room.
I’m still me after all…
Thanks for reading;
In five days…I take a step I wasn’t sure I’d ever take again. I’m going to be a husband. A husband to Wendy Adamkoski. The words still don’t make sense in that order to me sometimes. Wendy Adamkoski is marrying me? How did this happen? I still can’t believe it. I’m the most blessed man alive.
When I think about where I was just 7 years ago. The loss of my first marriage, the decline and death of my mother, my Dad leaving to find a new life 2000 miles away, finally me moving out to another area of the state where I knew only a few people (and where I still can’t find a decent wing). It’s still surreal sometimes. My life was surrounded by change for so long that now that things have settled…I find myself wondering when the shoe is going to drop.
I keep telling myself that even if it does…the past 7 years have shown I can deal with it. I have to take the lessons from this time of change…and grow past it.
Losing my first wife hurt. Deep. When it started to collapse, there wasn’t anyone who didn’t see me fighting hard to keep it. I tried everything I could…but there wasn’t any saving it by that point. What I’m taking from that experience is simple. Most don’t know…but about a year or two before the big split there was a point where I probably could have changed the course. We were talking and she was honest about something…only it would have meant making big changes to our life in regards to church and direction. So of course…I tried to bargain. She accepted the bargain…and we never spoke of it again. I guess I thought I was hearing her…but I realize now I didn’t listen to her. I didn’t listen to how she said she was struggling spiritually and feeling unfulfilled with where we were. I was focused on my ministries, my circle of friends I’d cultivated, and on being a part of something bigger without realizing my first duty was to listen to my partner. That is what I’m taking now. I’m going to try very hard to listen to everything Wendy says, whether with words or not. To analyze how she’s saying things and not just what words she’s using…and to make sure I don’t just settle for the answer I hoped to hear. I don’t mind saying…as hard as losing my first wife was…I can’t bear the thought of losing Wendy.
Dealing with divorce is hard…but then to have it followed with Mom’s illness and death. It was very emotionally trying. I made a lot of mistakes in that time. Some were easy to make as I wasn’t healed from the separation and to start losing my Mom was almost overwhelming. It happened so fast. From an Easter where the jaundice was so obvious, to the diagnoses three weeks later, to the operations, to the MRSA/CDiff, to coming home that last month. I remember it all vividly. Losing a family member is always tough…but when it’s your main source of comfort after Trauma, and you’re still mid-trauma…well it puts perspective on things. It would be hard enough…if I didn’t learn from it too. In that time I saw something amazing that I will bring with me into my new marriage. Almost from the day of diagnosis, my Father became some sort of white knight. He took leave from work and from the day she was in the hospital…he never left her side. He would go up at 6AM, like he was leaving for work. Get there and sit in the chair next to her on his laptop. He would be there for every doctor meeting, advocate for her when the overwhelmed nurses were struggling, talk with her, and I’m sure cry with her. He’d stay until visiting hours ended at around 8…then get in his car and come back home. He’d sit in his chair for an hour or two…eat something, then go to bed and do it all again the next day. He did this 7 days a week for three months. When he needed to do laundry…he did it…but had someone there. When we needed to go see Brookie graduate, he had someone there. When we had to go and tell Betty the horrible diagnosis…he had someone there sitting with Mom. He cared for her in a real way. When she returned home for her last month…he still didn’t leave her. I have a very expensive leather recliner gifted to me by my first wife after we split. It was a nice piece of furniture and I loved it. Well…Dad ruined it. He slept in that recliner a month straight. His bed going unslept in. He didn’t want Mom waking up alone. His head sweating on the leather and leaving a mark that will never come out…and one I’m proud to see every day I look at that chair. That mark is a symbol of his dedication to his bride. It's incredible. From that…I’m taking the idea of being there through the worst of it. To put my comfort aside for the woman I love…and to be there. I have no desire to outlive my future bride…but if that’s God’s will…I know I had a good teacher as to how to navigate that particular situation. I pray I’m able to do it.
The pain of the last seven years seems so distant now. It’s tough still sometimes. Not having my Mom here on Saturday will be very tough for me. She’d have loved this day. She’d have loved my bride, my kids, the house, all of it. Her absence is palpable at this and Wendy said it best when she noted “honey…this is the first BIG event for you that she’s not there for”. There have been other events, birthdays for Dad and Betty, the kids etc…but this is the first one for ME. That’s the kicker. I didn’t even get a 40th birthday party because with Mom gone only 7 months…we just wanted to get THROUGH the Holidays and really…celebrating was harder then. Now it isn’t. While I’m missing my Mom…we found a way to honor her Saturday…and I’m sure there will be a few ‘microstorms’ of tears I’ll have. Yet…I’m excited. It’s a happy day. The sun shines again. The birds sing. The world spins. I don’t have to focus on my Mom’s loss because I have so much better things to see. I have a wonderful bride who shows me what being a partner is every day and who loves and LIKES me for who I am and not who she wishes I was. I have three great kids I’m joining who are amazing individuals and who I am such BIG fans of and an extended and cordial relationship with the father and partner of those kids. We have a unique dynamic of four adults focused and dedicated to making sure three humans don’t turn into jerks . I have great in-laws, great friends from college, an incredible job with an incredible calling attached to it to reach the under privileged youth in this state. I have a great Dad who has met a new partner that complements him in ways my own Mom didn’t and who’s made him happy again. She’s also pretty great in her own right. I have my sister and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew who are finding their way and I have God.
This week marks the end of a tumultuous time for me. I’m not saying the next seven years will be rosy. In my heart I know there will be struggles and change and probably loss. It’s the price I think we pay for getting older. However having the family God has directed me to, the wife and kids I’ve been asked to be a part of inspires me to face these times with a smile on my face, and probably some off-color joke that will piss off at least two people in the room.
I’m still me after all…
Thanks for reading;
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