I was a teenage victim...and I MADE IT OUT!
My name is Will Benson...who used to go by Billy Benson...and I am a Teenage Bully Victim.
There's so much going on the TV, Papers and interwebs about bullying lately; I guess I felt like maybe it was time to say that out loud.
I say it again...My name is Will Benson...who used to go by Billy and I am a teenage bully victim.
AHH the freedom.
I don't mean to poke light at this epidemic...but I guess I wanted to write because I think the media has this ALL WRONG. They're tackling it from the wrong angle.
I don't think covering the stories on Today and Good Morning America...interviewing puffy eyed parents who are now living through every parents' worst nightmare and reporting in angry tones about how the schools have no bullying policies, and states are cracking down is the answer.
This isn't going to be solved by the emotional detachment that journalists are SUPPOSED to engage in to do their job.
This requires something more personal.
We're dealing with kids. These aren't adults. They don't put any stock in statistics, or in policy or even law. Kids are the ultimate 'day to day' people. I remember being a kid vividly. I remember the feeling that I would NEVER be 30. It seemed an abstract concept. To believe that the world of the Canandaigua City School District wasn't going to be the setting for my adventures my whole life made no sense to me. Even today there's a part of me that would love to move back to Canandaigua because I had so many neat adventures there.
Every day I walked outside in Junior High to avoid the dreaded "tunnel" that connected the main school to the annex (it was a PRIME place for an ambush. After a week straight of dropped books, shoves and at one point my glasses being broke (again) after a good body check to the wall by Jon Bates...)...I would think "this is how my life is...and will always be". When 10 other boys (and I think some girls) shoved me around the lockers in front of Ms. Dunphy's science class in 8th grade and I received some bruised ribs. This was my watershed moment. I remember this vividly. I was passed between these kids like a frigging pinball. It was one of the most scary moments I've had growing up. I had to take 2 days off of school...not cause of the bruised ribs (which they were...and I was told by the Doctor to take at least a day...) but I took the second day I think to prepare myself mentally for going back. Junior high was inordinately hard on me. I mean realize this I avoided "The Tunnel" every day by walking outside from the main school through the cafeteria to the 'annex'!!! I walked OUTSIDE in rain, snow...didn't matter. It took my books being dumped on the floor and they got kicked from the stairs all the way back to the science wing too many times. The one time I was DEPSPERATE for time and had to go through the tunnel...I got the idea to try and RUN with my hand over my mouth (like I was gonna puke) thinking noone would want my vomit on their CB jacket.
Yes...this stuff stays with you in memories I think. But that's all it is. If you're a smart kid...at some point you realize that this will not be your entire life. I lived day to day...but lived knowing there was going to be a day this wouldn't happen to me anymore. I knew that because absolutely everyone I knew told me the same thing. That I was going to grow past this. That I just had to tough it out. I didn't just take it though...I was a snitch don't get me wrong. I got in a fight...I told the principals...sometimes they'd listen..others they would actually LAUGH at me and tell me to toughen up. (Mr. Hunter WAS kinda a jerk...). That only seemed to hurt me even more and knock me down...but again I grew past it. I got to high school and things changed. I started to become much more confident in myself. Yeah there were incidents...especially in 10th grade...but they were fewer and farther between. I grew out of it.
I think personally that going through these made me a better man. I was a stronger person because of it. Yeah it resulted in some issues. I became someone who started to insult themselves for a laugh to try and get people to laugh WITH me...so they wouldn't laugh AT me. Those issues did follow me to college and even to some adulthood. In fact...I only stopped the 'fat' jokes about me last year when I started losing weight. It was easier in some ways to laugh at myself and be a 'part of the joke' than it was to be standing up for myself.
So how do we encourage these kids to get by this bullying? My way may not be the best way...but it is A way. For me I personally think that YES...the administration of schools need to do more to protect our kids. However you can't monitor the kids every minute of every day. Just like me in the Tunnel...there are places where adults can't be. Charging these kids with crimes isn't the way either. Kids don't THINK about that. It's an abstract concept to them. Assault charges...how far are we gonna take it? Sending them to Juvie so that they become a 'part of the system'? No. That's not gonna work either.
I think it's important FIRST OF ALL to stop making a difference in those bullied. I wasn't bullied because I was gay (though I was CALLED fag more than once...) cause I'm not. I wasn't bullied because I was part of any minority. However...I did at some points in my adolescense consider suicide an option because it was so hard to get through. Noone knows this...but those two days I was home after that 10-1 fight...I considered ending it all cause it hurt so bad INSIDE my heart that I was hit like that. I didn't though...because I knew it was going to get better. Plus I knew that it would let THEM win. Frankly saying that a subsection of those bullied (be they gay, straight, minority, ugly whatever) only serves to SEPERATE and demean those who don't fall in that category. (Since I'm a WASP...it's ok to bully me cause I've had it easy.) It shouldn't hurt me as much as it hurts others which is a crock of bull$#!+. Bullying hurts whether you're light, dark, gay, straight, ugly, pretty. It doesn't matter...so stop rallying behind one sub-culture...and tackle the problem.
Here's the thing...I was bullied because A: I was DIFFERENT. I didn't WORK with others very well. I didn't know how to keep my mouth shut. I couldn't adapt to the social world around me. I walked to my own drummer...and that is COMMENDABLE. I don't think having these kids who are bullied try to 'adapt and adopt' to the 'norms' is the way to go. It won't work...it will only FRUSTRATE kids. However you can encourage their differences...and be there for them. This is key to my second idea to help stop bullying. We need to bring these kids up to believe that their differences are WORTH standing up for. That will bring me to my second idea.
I was also bullied because I didn't stand up for myself. I CONSTANTLY took it on the chin. I wasn't a fighter. I was 80 lbs in 7th grade...and 83 lbs in 8th. I was a LITTLE GUY. I remember though...the last day I was bullied in Junior High. When I came back to school after the 'jump' incident it was a few weeks...and then I was in class and things started to get hard again. Mr. Yudichak (Mr. Y) was our Social Studies Teacher. He was AWESOME! Pretty much one of the coolest teachers I've ever had. One day he stepped out of class for a bit to take a call and immediately John Stambach and some other kids started in on me. Picking on me, threatening me. I took the feelings I'd had when I was jumped and I FINALLY had had enough and without saying a word...I POPPED John square in the nose. It was a TERRIBLE punch. NO power whatsoever. My hand didn't even hurt (and it should have...the one other time I punched someone in the face...I was in college and LOADED and my knuckles hurt for a week). He was dazed...but I think it was more about the fact that Billy struck back as opposed to the pain he was feeling. He started coming out of his daze and everyone was shocked. Then Mr. Y came back and it was over. I remember PJ Clarke leaned over and said "Billy...Dude...you just won your first fight...good job". I was like "What? Mr. Y came back...how did I win?" I was thinking "so this is what they mean by Saved by the Bell.". The word spread through the school that day...and from then on...I was pretty much ok. John came at me again...but he never had his shot...and in time (as things do at that age) he just got distracted with something else (and my great ability to HIDE from people might have helped...I was pretty good at being stealthy when I wanted to.)...and it just faded away.
That may be the best thing to encourage kids to do. To stand up for themselves. Maybe not with fists (thought it CAN come to that)...but to not compromise. To fight back if not physically...then mentally. To BECOME stronger.
The weak do not become strong by us changing the definition of what a strong person is (though many today I think believe that's a way to go). They become strong by working out. They become strong by taking the TIME necessary to prepare themselves. They have to 'work out' on themselves. They need to practice believing in who they are. They need to be able to know that to allow themselves to be bullied will NOT help them later. They need to be strong in their convictions...and if they're not able to be...then they need to be encouraged to find convictions they CAN be strong in. That will make them SUCCESSFUL people.
The fact is this. There will ALWAYS be bullies in our lives. Sure they don't PHYSICALLY harm us...but like Biff in Back to the Future...there are larger than life people that seek people they can lord themselves over. You can't STOP bullying because sometimes bullying is a refining fire that someone can use to become a better person. They can RISE ABOVE AND THROUGH IT! If we go at this attacking the bullies...we're going to prepare these kids to be VICTIMS. We're going to tell them that in life there are no bullies...or that there shouldn't be. That's a great idea...but not realistic. HOWEVER if we stand up to the bullies. If we FIGHT BACK (again not necessarily physically)...we can become SUCCESSFUL people. We can rise above...and no longer be targets. It will give you a feeling of self-worth.
Sure I was bullied again in High School sometimes. Then in college it came in different forms. Then after college it was a different type. Even today one of my best friends I work with can be classified as a bully. They come over the top of you and aggresively...but now I stand my ground. I do that because I know that if I don't...they'll walk all over me again. It's not right or fair that there are bullies...but without them we may lose some of our refinement. We may not be TESTED and come above it.
We need to encourage these kids. Encourage them to be STRONG and not victims. I wish the media would stop covering these suicides. I think it starts to give kids a validation to 'check out'. As a kid...you don't think about death as 'the end' sometimes. Again an abstract. If a kid thinks they can make a martyr of themselves...they may feel it's OK. They don't realize they don't get to sit up and say "AH HA...SEE HOW BAD YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?!?!". I don't think kids can EMBRACE the notion that as far as our life on this Earth is...that physical death means you don't get to have that AH HA moment...because you don't get to come back (until Jesus does). Covering these suicides in the media lends a CREDENCE to that 'out'. I miss the moratorium the media had in the late 80's early 90's on teen suicide and think it should come back.
So again...to stop bullying I believe it's important for us to encourage those bullied to believe in themselves...to stand up against a bully...and to NEVER quit. Sounds simple...but I know it's harder than that. However I survived it. Hell...I thrived because of it. If it weren't for that day I got jumped...I might NEVER have stood up for myself. We need to encourage these kids to EMBRACE who they are...so that they believe in themselves enough to FIGHT for that belief.
Thanks for Reading.
There's so much going on the TV, Papers and interwebs about bullying lately; I guess I felt like maybe it was time to say that out loud.
I say it again...My name is Will Benson...who used to go by Billy and I am a teenage bully victim.
AHH the freedom.
I don't mean to poke light at this epidemic...but I guess I wanted to write because I think the media has this ALL WRONG. They're tackling it from the wrong angle.
I don't think covering the stories on Today and Good Morning America...interviewing puffy eyed parents who are now living through every parents' worst nightmare and reporting in angry tones about how the schools have no bullying policies, and states are cracking down is the answer.
This isn't going to be solved by the emotional detachment that journalists are SUPPOSED to engage in to do their job.
This requires something more personal.
We're dealing with kids. These aren't adults. They don't put any stock in statistics, or in policy or even law. Kids are the ultimate 'day to day' people. I remember being a kid vividly. I remember the feeling that I would NEVER be 30. It seemed an abstract concept. To believe that the world of the Canandaigua City School District wasn't going to be the setting for my adventures my whole life made no sense to me. Even today there's a part of me that would love to move back to Canandaigua because I had so many neat adventures there.
Every day I walked outside in Junior High to avoid the dreaded "tunnel" that connected the main school to the annex (it was a PRIME place for an ambush. After a week straight of dropped books, shoves and at one point my glasses being broke (again) after a good body check to the wall by Jon Bates...)...I would think "this is how my life is...and will always be". When 10 other boys (and I think some girls) shoved me around the lockers in front of Ms. Dunphy's science class in 8th grade and I received some bruised ribs. This was my watershed moment. I remember this vividly. I was passed between these kids like a frigging pinball. It was one of the most scary moments I've had growing up. I had to take 2 days off of school...not cause of the bruised ribs (which they were...and I was told by the Doctor to take at least a day...) but I took the second day I think to prepare myself mentally for going back. Junior high was inordinately hard on me. I mean realize this I avoided "The Tunnel" every day by walking outside from the main school through the cafeteria to the 'annex'!!! I walked OUTSIDE in rain, snow...didn't matter. It took my books being dumped on the floor and they got kicked from the stairs all the way back to the science wing too many times. The one time I was DEPSPERATE for time and had to go through the tunnel...I got the idea to try and RUN with my hand over my mouth (like I was gonna puke) thinking noone would want my vomit on their CB jacket.
Yes...this stuff stays with you in memories I think. But that's all it is. If you're a smart kid...at some point you realize that this will not be your entire life. I lived day to day...but lived knowing there was going to be a day this wouldn't happen to me anymore. I knew that because absolutely everyone I knew told me the same thing. That I was going to grow past this. That I just had to tough it out. I didn't just take it though...I was a snitch don't get me wrong. I got in a fight...I told the principals...sometimes they'd listen..others they would actually LAUGH at me and tell me to toughen up. (Mr. Hunter WAS kinda a jerk...). That only seemed to hurt me even more and knock me down...but again I grew past it. I got to high school and things changed. I started to become much more confident in myself. Yeah there were incidents...especially in 10th grade...but they were fewer and farther between. I grew out of it.
I think personally that going through these made me a better man. I was a stronger person because of it. Yeah it resulted in some issues. I became someone who started to insult themselves for a laugh to try and get people to laugh WITH me...so they wouldn't laugh AT me. Those issues did follow me to college and even to some adulthood. In fact...I only stopped the 'fat' jokes about me last year when I started losing weight. It was easier in some ways to laugh at myself and be a 'part of the joke' than it was to be standing up for myself.
So how do we encourage these kids to get by this bullying? My way may not be the best way...but it is A way. For me I personally think that YES...the administration of schools need to do more to protect our kids. However you can't monitor the kids every minute of every day. Just like me in the Tunnel...there are places where adults can't be. Charging these kids with crimes isn't the way either. Kids don't THINK about that. It's an abstract concept to them. Assault charges...how far are we gonna take it? Sending them to Juvie so that they become a 'part of the system'? No. That's not gonna work either.
I think it's important FIRST OF ALL to stop making a difference in those bullied. I wasn't bullied because I was gay (though I was CALLED fag more than once...) cause I'm not. I wasn't bullied because I was part of any minority. However...I did at some points in my adolescense consider suicide an option because it was so hard to get through. Noone knows this...but those two days I was home after that 10-1 fight...I considered ending it all cause it hurt so bad INSIDE my heart that I was hit like that. I didn't though...because I knew it was going to get better. Plus I knew that it would let THEM win. Frankly saying that a subsection of those bullied (be they gay, straight, minority, ugly whatever) only serves to SEPERATE and demean those who don't fall in that category. (Since I'm a WASP...it's ok to bully me cause I've had it easy.) It shouldn't hurt me as much as it hurts others which is a crock of bull$#!+. Bullying hurts whether you're light, dark, gay, straight, ugly, pretty. It doesn't matter...so stop rallying behind one sub-culture...and tackle the problem.
Here's the thing...I was bullied because A: I was DIFFERENT. I didn't WORK with others very well. I didn't know how to keep my mouth shut. I couldn't adapt to the social world around me. I walked to my own drummer...and that is COMMENDABLE. I don't think having these kids who are bullied try to 'adapt and adopt' to the 'norms' is the way to go. It won't work...it will only FRUSTRATE kids. However you can encourage their differences...and be there for them. This is key to my second idea to help stop bullying. We need to bring these kids up to believe that their differences are WORTH standing up for. That will bring me to my second idea.
I was also bullied because I didn't stand up for myself. I CONSTANTLY took it on the chin. I wasn't a fighter. I was 80 lbs in 7th grade...and 83 lbs in 8th. I was a LITTLE GUY. I remember though...the last day I was bullied in Junior High. When I came back to school after the 'jump' incident it was a few weeks...and then I was in class and things started to get hard again. Mr. Yudichak (Mr. Y) was our Social Studies Teacher. He was AWESOME! Pretty much one of the coolest teachers I've ever had. One day he stepped out of class for a bit to take a call and immediately John Stambach and some other kids started in on me. Picking on me, threatening me. I took the feelings I'd had when I was jumped and I FINALLY had had enough and without saying a word...I POPPED John square in the nose. It was a TERRIBLE punch. NO power whatsoever. My hand didn't even hurt (and it should have...the one other time I punched someone in the face...I was in college and LOADED and my knuckles hurt for a week). He was dazed...but I think it was more about the fact that Billy struck back as opposed to the pain he was feeling. He started coming out of his daze and everyone was shocked. Then Mr. Y came back and it was over. I remember PJ Clarke leaned over and said "Billy...Dude...you just won your first fight...good job". I was like "What? Mr. Y came back...how did I win?" I was thinking "so this is what they mean by Saved by the Bell.". The word spread through the school that day...and from then on...I was pretty much ok. John came at me again...but he never had his shot...and in time (as things do at that age) he just got distracted with something else (and my great ability to HIDE from people might have helped...I was pretty good at being stealthy when I wanted to.)...and it just faded away.
That may be the best thing to encourage kids to do. To stand up for themselves. Maybe not with fists (thought it CAN come to that)...but to not compromise. To fight back if not physically...then mentally. To BECOME stronger.
The weak do not become strong by us changing the definition of what a strong person is (though many today I think believe that's a way to go). They become strong by working out. They become strong by taking the TIME necessary to prepare themselves. They have to 'work out' on themselves. They need to practice believing in who they are. They need to be able to know that to allow themselves to be bullied will NOT help them later. They need to be strong in their convictions...and if they're not able to be...then they need to be encouraged to find convictions they CAN be strong in. That will make them SUCCESSFUL people.
The fact is this. There will ALWAYS be bullies in our lives. Sure they don't PHYSICALLY harm us...but like Biff in Back to the Future...there are larger than life people that seek people they can lord themselves over. You can't STOP bullying because sometimes bullying is a refining fire that someone can use to become a better person. They can RISE ABOVE AND THROUGH IT! If we go at this attacking the bullies...we're going to prepare these kids to be VICTIMS. We're going to tell them that in life there are no bullies...or that there shouldn't be. That's a great idea...but not realistic. HOWEVER if we stand up to the bullies. If we FIGHT BACK (again not necessarily physically)...we can become SUCCESSFUL people. We can rise above...and no longer be targets. It will give you a feeling of self-worth.
Sure I was bullied again in High School sometimes. Then in college it came in different forms. Then after college it was a different type. Even today one of my best friends I work with can be classified as a bully. They come over the top of you and aggresively...but now I stand my ground. I do that because I know that if I don't...they'll walk all over me again. It's not right or fair that there are bullies...but without them we may lose some of our refinement. We may not be TESTED and come above it.
We need to encourage these kids. Encourage them to be STRONG and not victims. I wish the media would stop covering these suicides. I think it starts to give kids a validation to 'check out'. As a kid...you don't think about death as 'the end' sometimes. Again an abstract. If a kid thinks they can make a martyr of themselves...they may feel it's OK. They don't realize they don't get to sit up and say "AH HA...SEE HOW BAD YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?!?!". I don't think kids can EMBRACE the notion that as far as our life on this Earth is...that physical death means you don't get to have that AH HA moment...because you don't get to come back (until Jesus does). Covering these suicides in the media lends a CREDENCE to that 'out'. I miss the moratorium the media had in the late 80's early 90's on teen suicide and think it should come back.
So again...to stop bullying I believe it's important for us to encourage those bullied to believe in themselves...to stand up against a bully...and to NEVER quit. Sounds simple...but I know it's harder than that. However I survived it. Hell...I thrived because of it. If it weren't for that day I got jumped...I might NEVER have stood up for myself. We need to encourage these kids to EMBRACE who they are...so that they believe in themselves enough to FIGHT for that belief.
Thanks for Reading.
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